Category: Where the Spirit leads

What? Another Committee?

Published by mhelbert on October 8, 2019

Tonight I’m going to be meeting with something called the “Spiritual Growth Committee” at St. Barnabas.
Now, I’m not really sure why this committee was originally formed. I guess I’ll find out later. I do know that the Bible study that I have led for the past few months is somehow under the auspices of that committee. So, there’s that.

Those who know me can maybe understand my apparent ambivalence to this. First off, I’m not a big fan of ‘committees.’ They are usually formed for some arbitrary reason like, “Gee! Maybe we should form a committee for that!” (Whatever “that” is.) There rarely is a need for them. Then, once formed, they tend to exist for the singular purpose of ‘existing.’ In the rare event that there truly is a need and a mandate for a committee to form, the mandate seems never to be met and the committee just lives on and on and on……

I also really hate meetings. Another example of existing for the mere purpose of appearing to do something. Anything. At all. Even when nothing of any real substance is, in fact, taking place.
“Hey, Bill! Let’s get the committee together to have a meeting.”
“What do we need to talk about,” Jim?
“Oh, I don’t know. But, at least we’ll look like we’re accomplishing something.”
“Good call, Jim!”
Yeah, meetings…not a big fan.

So, you ask, why am I involving myself with these two things that I really don’t hold in very high esteem?

Well, sometimes I think that we must entertain some things that appear pretty much useless in order to add legitimacy to something that IS important and NEEDS to be addressed. In this case, appearances are pretty important. People seem to really like it when something appears to be important and official. I don’t know, to me it seems pretty silly, but hey, there are “People.” You know?

Ok, so what’s so important that it can get me to leave my house and miss Jeopardy!?

Spiritual Growth and Formation. That’s what.

I’m convinced that the only thing that separates the Church from every other social justice organisation on the planet finds its source in those few words. In fact, most of those secular organisations can do the work far better than the Church. They can mobilize a larger slice of the population and, far and away, they can fetch the financial resources needed far more easily.
I’m not implying that the Church should abdicate this vital work and allow secular groups to own all of that work. No, no, no. The Scripture is clear, and our hearts concur, that justice for those who are in need and who are ostracized by society is part of what God desires us to pursue. All I’m saying is that on the ground these other organisations are really well-equipped to do that work. (In fact, it’s usually a good idea for the Church to partner with them. Together much good can be done.)

Back to Spiritual Growth.

The Church is unique in that she can help people find a path that leads to the Source of Life.

Yeah, that’s what I said. A pathway to the Source. That alone is not necessary to do good works. But, it is necessary for the Church to be the Church. It is our Raison d’être.
Awareness; Presence; Communion is the fertile soil in which ALL other expressions and acts of faith sprout and grow. This produces good fruit in the life of the Church and in the lives of the people.

I am convinced that attention to Spiritual Formation is the ONLY thing that can make the Church the Incarnate Body of Christ. The living, breathing Gift of God to the Cosmos.

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Formed by the Spirit

Published by mhelbert on September 27, 2019

“Formed by the Spirit.”

Wow! That’s a pretty loaded phrase. I mean, what does that even mean? Lots of folks over the centuries have tried to define that in ways that are clearly and easily understood by people. They offer suggestions about reading Holy Scripture so that, “The Word may dwell richly within you.” Hey, that sounds good! Or, “Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind,” to quote St. Paul’s missive to the Church at Rome. What does THAT mean? Others say that to be formed by the Spirit involves learning all that we can about “why we believe what we believe.” The big word for that is Apologetics. I have found that kind of approach really only creates arrogant, ignorant people.

What about prayer? Surely, that must form people in a spiritually kind of…thing. Right?

Maybe. Again, what does that mean? How can I, or anyone, perform any ritual, be it reading, praying, attending a church, or whatever that will actually allow for Spiritual Formation?

As you might guess, I do have an idea or two. Well, maybe only one. I’m really not sure myself. But, I think that it stars with…wait for it…Grace.

What?!? Grace? Now, what does THAT mean?

It means that I have no idea. It means that I’m not the one making the call. It means that any formation, or better, transformation is by nature out of my hands.

Now, I also want to make something else clear. We are NOT without responsibility in this. At the end of the day, I must make the decision to accept that grace. But, I truly think that’s pretty much all that I can do. Why, you ask? Why am I not more integrally culpable in my own formation? I think the easiest answer is the first one to come to my mind.

So that I may have nothing to boast about.

That’s right, kids. If I don’t have the wheel in my hands. If someone else is driving, re. God, then I can’t go around telling folks to “Look at ME! I’m spiritual!

Another reason that may not be as obvious, but is certainly more important, is that I really don’t know what it is that I really need. What does formation look like in my life? I am truly without a clue. But, there is One Who does know.

That’s where faith comes in. “Faith,” you ask, “Do you mean blind following your invisible friend to some unknown destination”? Well, no, not at all.

It means that no matter what practices I may find myself doing, I trust that God is doing something. What that is I neither know nor care. Not in my pay grade. It means that I accept that God actually DESIRES to be graciously active in my life. And, that God is actually CAPABLE of being active in my life. Perhaps more importantly, that God actually IS active in my life. There is no following the Yellow Brick Road to some paradisiacal Emerald City. There is only faith.

That, my friends, is where Spiritual Formation is securely moored.

What that all looks like is impossible to describe. For every person there is a different world being created. God doesn’t work in systematic ways that can easily be adduced and analyzed and then mass produced for everyone. No. Can’t be done. Although, many have tried with their surveys and polls. God is Spirit. God is essentially “Other.” We cannot describe nor define God. Period.

We can only sit quietly and let God’s grace flow over us, through us…permeate every cell. To, in essence, alter our Spiritual DNA.

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It Is Finished. Or, Maybe, It Has Just Begun

Published by mhelbert on December 9, 2018

Well, folks, I pulled the trigger. I have deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and tumbler accounts. I do need to tell you that it wasn’t easy. Even as I sat with my finger hovering over the‘Enter’ key, I was considering ways that I would be able to maintain some presence. Facebook offers partial canceling. I thought, that might work ok. I can use that. Then, when I find myself in the throes of Social Media Withdrawal I can simply log in and say, “JK!”

Both Facebook and Twitter have a 30 day wait period before they actually begin to delete stuff. So, I do have that time to reconsider. And, like I wrote in my last post, I don’t have any idea if or when I’ll be back traversing the InterWebs. However, having escaped it, I’m afraid that venturing back along the strands of the web may put me in peril like Ynyr in the 80s fantasy movie, “Krull.” I don’t think that I would be able to escape unscathed. Even if I could get my hands on some of the sand from the enchanted hourglass.

Anyway, it’s done.

Now what?

I plan to spend more time here. I hope to continue posting material that you all have found so riveting. All, what, 5 of you?

I’m going to try to use this platform for sharing, also. So, I may create more posts that are shorter. But, they will have links to other sources that I may comment on.

Like this:

Yesterday I read a blog post written by Carl McColman. In it he shared a common problem associated with social media.It does not lend itself to well-developed discussion. Like any remote communications, e-mail, social media, even writing letters, we aren’t able to communicate our true thoughts and feelings. There is lacking the physical presence and ‘body language’ that helps others to really “get” what we try to say. That problem seems to be more pronounced, however, when we simply react to something that someone writes or shares. There have been many times when I’ve had to come back and explain something that I shared that someone else misinterpreted. Those are awkward and can be damaging to relationships.

Relationships? Can people even have and develop those through social media? I don’t think so. It’s too easy to fall into the sin of “assumed familiarity.” We connect with someone online. We read what they share. And, we begin to think that we actually know that person. However, our understanding is far from the reality of things. I recently experienced this. I ‘assumed’ that I was a friend with someone. In fact, we even know each other away from the internet. But, I apparently misunderstood the depth of that relationship and feelings were hurt all around.

See? Short and sweet with a link to boot! We’ll see how this type of posting goes. I can always tweek it depending on how it is received.

I also hope to use this platform to share things that I write. I may share some poetry or excerpts from some other piece that I work on. Perhaps, eventually, I may be able to offer completed works to followers who are interested.

I don’t know where this will ultimately go. Since I began it several years ago I have experimented with different things. I would expect that changes will continue to be made. Nothing is etched in stone. This is, after all, only a bunch of 1s and 0s gathered together in a specific order.

So, I hope to see you here. Bring friends! We’ll have a party! (You will have to supply your own libation of choice.)

Be sure to ‘Follow’ the blog if you want to receive updates. Also, leave a comment!

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Spiritual Discipline, or Disciplined Spirit?

Published by mhelbert on June 14, 2017

I recently read a devotional written by Christian philosopher Dallas Willard. I’ve read Willard’s other works on Christian prayer and have found it to be insightful and quite helpful. The excerpt that I read was from a collection of devotional readings produced by Richard Foster entitled, “Devotional Classics.” This particular reading was taken from Willard’s, “The Spirit of the Disciplines.” While I appreciate where he is coming from, I have some reservations. For those Pentecostal type folks out there, I had a ‘check in my spirit.’

I wondered why those feelings were present. It was a simple reading. No big doctrinal discussion. Something to contemplate. Then it hit me. The term ‘disciple’ smacked me upside the head. Why, though? That word is used throughout the New Testament to describe the followers of Jesus. Hey! I’m one of those! Then I realized what triggered me. Willard coupled the word ‘disciple’ with the word ‘obedience.’

Now, many in the Evangelical traditions may ask, “So what? Disciples are obedient to there Master.” Nothing out of the ordinary with that. That’s true. Regardless of the tradition, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, fill in the blank, disciples follow a Master. Christians are followers of their Master, Christ. Or, so the saying goes. The last time I checked Jesus was nowhere to be found. At least not so we can see Him on T.V., or something. And that presents a problem. Who decides what Jesus would say or do in the 21st century?

Back in the early 1970’s I was part of what has become known as the ‘Jesus Movement.’ We were for all intents and purposes a rag-tag bunch of hippies who professed faith in Christ. I believe to this day that God was active during this period. It was exciting! We thought that we had somehow been called by God to reclaim and rebuild the original spirit of the Church that existed in the 1st century. We believed that what had happened in the book of Acts was happening again in our time.

We gathered together to worship and sing and hear brothers teach about the scriptures. Some of us moved into common households so that we could ‘hold all things in common.’ There were a few men who assumed positions of leadership. We believed that they were anointed in the same way that Timothy and Titus and the elders of the early church had been. And, we were taught that we were to be obedient to these men as ‘unto God.’

Now, I want to make it clear that there was no subterfuge involved. We, all of us, were truly trying our best to follow the words of the Bible as faithfully as we could. The only thing was, we were NOT the Church of the first century. We were not wrestling with what it meant to follow a dead Messiah in a pagan culture. We had 2,000 years of developed theology to follow. And, we lived in a culture unlike anything that the first church would have understood. Basically, we were privileged white kids trying to emulate a movement that began as an oppressed minority.

To return to the devotional, we were taught that discipleship has as its root the idea of ‘discipline.’ Physical, spiritual, and emotional discipline. We began to see the Bible as a User’s Manual. It had all of the answers on how to live a vibrant and successful life. That is, if one would follow all of the rules faithfully. And, the elders were there to make sure that we did follow them. In effect, we became disciples of those elders, who we trusted were disciples of Christ.

Alas, experience has taught me something else entirely. The Christian Bible is a collection of writings by many, many people from many, many different time periods. It has inconsistencies and contradictions and holes in it. For instance, there’s nothing in the Bible about water on Mars. The fact that our Sun is actually a star somehow got past the Biblical writers. What to do about global climate change isn’t addressed. Shoot! Global climate change itself missed the writers’ cut. The fact is that the Christian Bible does not, it CANNOT, have all of the answers for people to live vibrant and successful lives. And, it truly was never meant to fill that role.

So what? What does any of this have to do with my devotional? Willard made the statement that obedience, by itself, was sufficient for a person to live the so-called ‘abundant life’ promised in the Gospel of John. In a way, that may be accurate. But, because of the manner in which it is taught to so many poor, unsuspecting people, it is not. In so many fundagelical churches people are taught that they must grit their teeth and press forward in order to reap the benefits of discipleship. They even have a saying, “Fake it til you make it.” Pretty cool, huh? No! It’s not. This is another link in a long chain that binds people. They try. They fail. So, they try again. They fail…again. All the time feeling inept, unloved, strange, or an anomaly. After all, didn’t their spiritual elders tell them that this would work? But, it didn’t. They think, ‘It must be my fault, my lack…my sin.’ So, the link is forged. From my perspective the link is forged in the fires of Hell.

The Psalmist wrote, “Be still and know that I am God.” I think that is pretty good advice. Truthfully, until we can rest and be still we cannot be transformed. No amount of sweat and grit will suffice. We can batter and bruise our bodies. Yet, we will still be lacking. In more than one place the writers of Scripture mention a ‘still small voice,’ or that God isn’t in the tempest and flame, but in the gentle breeze.

As I have walked, (maybe, crawled is a better word), along this spiritual path, I’ve found that the more I work and strive, the less I progress. It has only been in the last 6-10 years that I have learned that the Spirit of God doesn’t need our outward help. The Spirit needs us to shut up and listen. In the quietude of silent contemplation the Spirit, Ruach Elohim, chips and sands and refinishes. It is ALL grace and ALL God!

Perhaps, the most important insight for me is that I no longer have the shame and guilt that comes from FAILING to keep all of the rules. There truly is ‘no condemnation’ in following this path.

Please, if you’ve been troubled or weighed down by trying to follow all of those damnable rules; trying to force obedience; faking it hoping that you’ll make it; Take heart! Sit back! Relax! And, turn your heart toward the true lover of your soul. You’ll not be disappointed.

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Which way? God Knows

Published by mhelbert on February 2, 2016

This morning as I sat in contemplation, I began to think of the choices that people make during their lives. In the tradition that I came out of, people spent their lives trying to “discern” God’s will for them. We would fret and fume about making the so-called ‘right’ choices. We certainly did not want to make a wrong one and risk at the very least God’s blessing. And, at the worst, God’s condemnation. It was a nasty way to live. Always on the edge. Not quite knowing. Waiting for some Damascus road experience so that we could move forward with some degree of certainty.
As I reflected on this, the following began to form in my mind.

Many paths there are that we may choose.
Where do they lead?
God knows.
Which shall I choose? The one with rich, green grass?
What about the one flag’d gray?
Perhaps, the one of rut and mud?
God knows.
“Choose any,” a voice did say.
“For upon all I will with you stay.”

I think it doesn’t really matter. Follow you heart.
For God will be present and will bless wherever we roam.

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More Musings on a Wednesday Morning

Published by mhelbert on October 9, 2013

The journey begins. No one said that it would be easy. Rocks; boulders; deep crevasses impede forward motion. Yet, forward we must go. For, to retreat…to backtrack…is futility itself. Clambering over obstacles. Vaulting over lacerations in the earth, deep and unhealed that no salve can sooth. Forward, ever forward.

Yet above, you know, that place where God dwells insulated from the mundane…the “everyday.” The place where mere mortals press onward. Forward, ever forward.

“When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child.” But, I am no longer a child. I am enveloped by the ‘NOW!’ Beneath azure skies where the gods dance I am enshrouded by the nebulous mist of incense filling the temple of my heart. NOW! Pressing me forward, ever forward.

Attentive to the sound of my breath; my heart playing rhythms reaching out to the life that surrounds me. Searching for intimacy. Where are you, my Soul? Come! Take my hand as we leap, dance and run forward, ever forward.

In those days darkness will draw near. The sound of flies buzzing in my ears. I will lie down to rest. Sleep! Blesséd sleep! Yet, the journey does not end. For even now…I must press on forward, ever forward.

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Walking the path of Ignatius Loyola

Published by mhelbert on October 7, 2013

Today I am embarking on a new spiritual journey. My Spiritual Director is going to lead me through what are known as the Ignatian Exercises. For the next 36 weeks, or so, we will travel a path first explored by the 16^th century founder of the Society of Jesus, better known as the Jesuits, Ignatius Loyola. Born into the feudal culture of northern Spain, Loyola dreamed of being a part of the grandeur that courtly love and knighthood could provide. He very nearly realized his dream when he was severely wounded in a battle against the French. During the time in which he recuperated from his wounds he read books on the lives of Jesus and the saints. He discerned that people described in these lives exhibited many of the same heroic and chivalrous characteristics that he admired. At the same time, however, he continued to dream about life at court. As he continued to reflect on and examine his thoughts and feelings he noticed that as he contemplated the lives of Jesus and the saints, he felt inner peace and satisfaction. When he thought about life at court, feelings of dissatisfaction predominated. This awareness inaugurated his life quest that culminated in the development and propagation of the Spiritual Exercises. Loyola realized that through prayer, study and a process called examen, perhaps the cornerstone of the Exercises, one could “detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us.”

Ok, so why am I even considering this process? After all, I’m old and feeble. My life has been lived according to the standards and expectations of our culture. I’ve worked hard at a vocation to provide for my family. All of the requisite activities of parenthood and marriage have been accomplished. Yet, like Loyola, I continue to strive with feelings of dissatisfaction and restlessness. I have labored for 40 years in an industry that creates in me anxiety and a great sense of helpless entrapment that eats away at my soul. Even family life does not completely fill the void in my heart that our culture, particularly the evangelical culture that I was a part of, claims that it should. There are those who would say that all I need to do is surrender to God’s will and all will be well with the world. But, that begs the question…what is God’s will? And, I’m not really that interested with all things being well with the world. Occasional happiness and satisfaction would be quite alright. I’m not hoping to experience any profound theological insights. Nor, am I envisioning some kind of neo-monastic lifestyle. The Exercises are about self-discovery. They are a tool for discernment and direction. They are a way to know and experience God’s presence in one’s life. That is why I am forging ahead with Loyola.

As my Spiritual Director and I follow Loyola’s footsteps, I hope to write about the experience here. Perhaps any who read this blog will have insights that can help me and other readers. Please share these in the comments. Do I think this process will be a panacea that answers all of my life’s questions? Not at all. But, even at this stage of my life I must have some direction about my vocation…my calling…in life.

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Musings on a Wednesday Morning

Published by mhelbert on October 2, 2013

I love sitting in the stillness of the morning. Outside there are the sounds of crickets and the occasional acorn falling on a nearby rooftop. A candle, the scent of cinnamon, burns and fills the room with autumn. My thoughts wander here and there. They touch memories and sensations within me; without me. In the core of my being, my heart, I sense God’s presence. Peace. Be still, O my soul.

I allow the Muse to guide me. ‘Where shall we go? To what far off land or sea or star?’ Perhaps, we’ll simply drift on a river as it meanders through green fields. We listen to the sound of the water flowing gently over a bed of small rocks and pebbles. It tells tales of aeons past. It knows the fish and the fowl by name. Ancient people traveled along its banks; floated on its back. Never tiring, it bends and winds its way from its source to the Great Sea. There its life mingles with that of the Other in brackish love-making in which it is embraced, consumed by this One. Is this not the way of it? We travel the path before us. Touching and being touched we grow and we learn. From our beginning, our source, we are destined to live, laugh, cry…love. If fortune smiles upon us, another may join in our journey. A companion, a friend…a lover. However, our path and theirs are not the same. Even though we walk together I have my own quest. And, you have yours. Joyful as our time spent together may be, one day our ways must diverge. You will be joined to Another. Embraced by the One who is the true Source. And, I…I will flow into the Great Sea.

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On Being Vulnerable

Published by mhelbert on June 25, 2013

I’ve begun work on a story that I think should be told. This project requires that I dig deeply into my mind. I search for memories, sights, smells and experiences that I can use as structural support for the story and its characters. As I reflect and remember, I realize that there is one thing that I’m really pretty good at. It’s not my job. It’s not playing guitar. It’s not writing. Although, I am pretty good at all of those. No, what I’m best at is something much darker. I am really good at breaking relationships. From my earliest memories I find I have a knack for hurting people. I don’t know why. Perhaps, I’m self-destructive and can’t allow anyone to get too close. I have a constructed a safe zone that no one is allowed to enter. When someone tries to get a bit too familiar, Bam! Explosions and gunfire erupt.

At one time in my life I would put myself out there. I shared my deepest thoughts and feelings with people. Maybe, this was to encourage them to do likewise. Usually, they didn’t and I felt naked and ashamed. Over the years I learned to cope and hold back. If I don’t place my life on the altar of Relationship, then no one can take a knife and cut out my heart.

I envied the Mr. Spock character on Star Trek. Emotionless. I could not be hurt if that emotion was eliminated. But, I’m not Vulcan. Crap! Green blood sounds so cool!

I found that the only safe place to be was in solitude. There, I don’t have to deal with and interact with other people. I don’t have to live up to whatever expectations they have for me. I don’t have to be anxious about not meeting those expectations. But, in a social construct like a community or a family there is always going to be stress and tension. Especially, for someone like me. Yeah, there are times when I like being with others. But, on my terms. I know, this is really a selfish way to live. I should have to wear a sign, “Alert! Narcissist Walking!” At the end of the day, I’m left feeling ashamed and guilty.

In this place, this ‘life’ I’ve built, there is a glimmer of hope. You see, even when I’m alone, I’m not really alone. There is One who knows me intimately. One who is always present. One who sees me at my worst. This One, let’s call him Jesus, understands. He has experienced what I have. He knows failure and forsakenness. When he was murdered he was left naked and exposed. As he offered his final, tortured breath to God, he failed to have faith and felt the reality of being left alone. At that moment, God learned what it’s like to be human. This is a person that I can trust.

So, over time I’ve begun to allow myself to be a tad more open. I try to ‘pull back the veil’ that conceals who I am. It’s hard, to be sure. Vulnerability is dangerous. But, nothing that can happen to me compares with what Jesus experienced. And, nothing can separate me from his love.

Vulnerability…how do you look at it? Is it important? Why? Why Not?

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Where I come from…and a bit about Where I’m Going

Published by mhelbert on June 17, 2013

I’ve been blogging since 2009. Originally, I started it as part of a class that I was taking in seminary on technology and the Church. The blog was to be an integral part of a website I developed. Well, the website was built, but never published. However, I got an ‘A’ in the class, and that was my focus at the time.

Although I only wrote sporadically, I kept the blog open. About a year and a half ago, I had a heart attack. It was serious. In fact, it should have ended my life. Why didn’t it? Providence; a strong body; luck…I’m not sure. As a result, I began to reflect deeply on my life. I suppose that most folks who experience such life altering events do this. For me, it took the shape of looking within myself. I began to get out of bed earlier in order to spend time with God. Over a few months, this time began to grow until I was hopping out of bed at 3:30 A.M. Ok, people think I’m nuts for this, but it is the result of grace, not willpower, I assure you.

I began to query God about my life’s purpose and vocation. You see, I’ve been frustrated with my life. The things I do to get by in this world vex me. I know; I know; I know that what I am doing is not my calling. So, I turned to Creator for answers. The response? “Write. Just, write.” Ok, God, I can do that! Uh, wait…write what?

This is a question that I’m sure many others are asking. If I am to write, what the hell am I supposed to write about? I whined and cried for months about this. “God! You want me to do this, but You aren’t opening the doors for me to accomplish it! Waahhhhh!!!”

Recently, I have begun to dig around a bit. Perhaps, God has planted some seeds that are beginning to germinate. Writers’ websites have become standard daily fare for me. I must know what it takes to build a successful writing career. Yes, I said it…a writing ‘career.’ For over 40 years I’ve been doing something that is not fulfilling and, for lack of better words, a waste of my gifting. I’ve been very successful at doing something I really don’t like. It’s time to start working at something I do.

Back to the Beginning…

Anyway, I digress.

I wrote couple hundred posts. Most of these, ok, all of these were directed toward a specific audience. That audience was the faith community that I had been a part of for most of my adult life. I wrote to challenge that community. But, most of all, I wrote in order to get their approval. The results were disappointing. I got excited over 30 views in a day. Most of the time, it appeared as if no one was out there. ‘Hello! Anybody there?’

Nope, it was just the echo of my own voice reverberating around an empty chamber. I think that the main reason for this was that I was trying to please someone other than myself.

Reflecting…

So, I began to take an assessment of my life. Where did I come from? What has been important to me? Where does my passion really lie? The responses are freeing.

I grew up in the 1960s. It was a time of social and cultural shifts of the tectonic kind. Continents of social convention and propriety were crashing together creating mountains and valleys that would change the course of modern history. And, I was on the ground floor! By the time 1970 rolled around I was an aspiring young freak and rock-n-roll lead guitar player. Those of us at that time were anti-everything. There was no established taboo or moré that was above questioning. Then…I got a job. It wasn’t a great job. But, I had money in my pocket and gas in my car. I began to forget about my rebellious teenage years. There were real rewards for dismissing the idealism of youth. After all, you can’t by food on principles. You need hard currency.

Spirituality

During this same period of time, I had a spiritual experience that sent my life on a new trajectory. I began to believe in a higher power that cared about me. No one else seemed to. I embraced this fledgling spirituality with gusto! I read books, (mostly the Christian Bible), I went to meetings, I offered my music, and I found a community. To receive such a boon was life giving nectar to a culturally estranged young person. In response, I gave myself away. In order to continue to connect and receive the sap from the root, I left my true self somewhere else. You see, for us, that was called ‘dying to self.’ Yeah, Jesus loved us. He just didn’t particularly care for who we were. So, we had to change…conform to something else. In our case, that was to embrace conservative ideology. We read and learned from people like James Dobson, and later Al Mohler and John Piper. We voted Republican. We put away our rock-n-roll and embraced something called Christian Contemporary Music. (Call it what you may…but, “music” is stretching it.) All the while, I found myself drifting further and further from the person that God had made me to be.

Today

Through several events, not the least of which was 5 years in seminary, I have begun to find my way back. It seems that God loves me for who I am, not for who someone else thinks I should be. God loves the rebellious person who pushes back against the accommodations of culture. Creator has imbued me with gifts that no one else has. Gifts that are to be used; placed on a mountain and not under a bushel. So, I have begun a new blog. I am reinventing myself and my presence in the world. I have no one to answer to but God and myself. I’m too old to do anything else. I’ve spent my entire life compromising, no…prostituting, myself to others. No more!

How do you feel about where your life-travels have taken you? Are you frustrated, like I’ve been? Are you content? Please reply to this and let’s talk.

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