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Author: mhelbert

Palm Sunday…Virtually

Today is Palm Sunday. This day marks the beginning of the holiest week in the Christian calendar. Today commemorates Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem.
Less than a week later, we will remember His betrayal and crucifixion.
What began on such an exciting day in which Jesus was hailed as the King of the Jews, that signaled to the people living in occupied Palestine that all of the promises of God about their deliverance were finally going to be answered, fell so far off the rails in a matter of days.

It seems that the old saying about, ‘the best laid plans…’ is all too accurate.

But, as the story continues, all is not lost. God will get the final Word and Jesus will be exalted above every other.

As I reflect on the events of this week as we remember all that happened way back when, my thoughts wander to the final result of all of this.
The Exalted Messiah Jesus was the fruition of God’s plan for humanity from the very beginning. God had commissioned humankind to partner with the Divine purpose to be stewards and care takers of the world in which we live. God declared this arrangement to be ‘Very Good.’
Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection was the final proof that God’s plan was finally enacted.
And, through Jesus, humanity can both know God and be known by God.
We have been given the means to become a community of people who are empowered by God to be light in darkness and to give hope to the hopeless.
It’s our job description as God’s eikons; God’s image-bearers to follow in Jesus’ footsteps in order to fulfill God’s purpose here and now.

The reason this all came to mind today is because we appear to be fractured at this moment in time. Our collective reaction to the current health crisis has forced us to remain separate from one another. From outward appearances it would seem that our task has suddenly become exponentially more difficult, if not impossible.

But, (you know there’s always a ‘but’), this morning I logged into the Facebook live feed of a service from the church that I attend.
There was no congregation present to process waving palm fronds. We had no sharing of the Eucharist or even a friendly glance from others. We were all in our own shelters weathering this storm.
Yet, we shared in a few moments of prayer and reading. We used the same words and the same texts. We were, in effect, together while apart.
Yeah, that seems contradictory and paradoxical. Well, it is, actually.
One of the things about following Jesus is that our lives are mostly spent IN the paradox.
In the “Now,” but “Not Yet.”
In the Completion of the story, yet still on page one.

So, together we shared in the Communion of Saints as we, unified in purpose and spirit, worshiped our God and gave thanks for all that God accomplished during that most important week so many years ago.

May you all experience the unity that is in God.
And, may we all realize that, even though we may be separated by ‘social distancing,’ we are still truly inseparable in our shared humanity.

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Thursday Musing

First, I gotta tell you that yesterday was pretty rough.
I shared a bit about how beginning this new phase of life was, well, a tad anticlimactic.
So, I pretty much slept all day.
I do that sometimes when the melancholia shows up to play.

But, here we are!
Another day to try again.
While I’m still not feeling great, (I’m sure that the fact that my body is still pretty weak isn’t helping), I am up and actually accomplishing things.
So, that’s a good thing. Right?

There have been so many thoughts and ideas coursing through my brain over the last month that I have not been able to keep track of them.
So, let me just get some of them out there for your consideration.

Many of my thoughts have drifted toward God and what God may desire for me personally. But, also for us as a species in a rather chaotic period.
I spoke with one friend yesterday who said that he didn’t know what God was up to. But, God must be up to something Big!
I don’t know. I really don’t think so.
I wrote in another place that things like illness and disease are simply the product of evolution. They “Happen” because that’s what goes on in our natural world.
I’m all for giving God credit when it’s due. But, stating that God is using such things to get our attention or judge sin or whatever cult-du-jour idea you want to use is not only not helpful, but borders on blasphemy.
God has always, and ONLY, promised to be Present with us in these times. To that I can bear witness. God has walked with me, mourned with me, felt my pain and anxiety, and held my hand during this time of distress.
God will surely continue to do that as we slog our way through the days of coronavirus.

I am a die hard separation of church and state person. While I realize that individuals will carry their worldviews with them wherever they go, including the public square, it is dead wrong for any one person or group to impose their particular beliefs on anyone else.
Period. End of discussion.
That’s why it really, REALLY, pisses me off when I read and hear about religious organizations that think that quarantine and stay at home orders are for everyone except them. These misguided idiots think that their particular religious group is somehow “Essential” in the same way that grocery stores and pharmacies are.
Hey, Numb Nuts!
You’re not!
They endanger not only those who attend their open services, but all of the other people those folks will come in contact with.
If they truly want to embody their so-called love, they will shut their doors until this is all over.

Finally, I want to again thank all of those people who have shared their concern over my health. I really appreciate every one of you.
I do hope that I never need to return the sentiment. But, if I do; I will.

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Well, We Made It

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

So goes that old saying.
Today is supposed to be different. At least, so I’ve been told.
I officially enter the ranks of the Retired.

I don’t know.
I feel kind of ambivalent about the whole thing.
Maybe cuz of everything else that’s going on.
Cancer; surgeries; coronavirus; stay at home orders.
This is certainly not how I imagined this day would be.

But, time moves on in spite of what may be happening around us.
And, here we are.
We made it.

I’m sure that eventually I’ll settle in to a new way of living without a time clock.
Maybe I’ll even celebrate! When the restaurants open and we’re once again allowed to gather together.

I don’t know.

Maybe.

Until then, I appreciate the well-wishes from all of you.
I hope that we can remain in touch as time moves on.

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Perhaps, Back Again!

I know that I said a couple of week ago that I was back after surgery.
At that time I was beginning to feel pretty good again.
I thought that the worst was behind and that, soon, I would be back in fine stride working toward full restoration.

That was before a perforation in my bowel knocked me back down.

On Thursday, March 12, I was suddenly assaulted by an acute pain in my lower gut. I thought that I had eaten something that didn’t agree with me. So, I took some pain meds and went to bed.
Friday I awoke feeling somewhat better. At least as far as the pain was concerned. But, I was pretty weak and listless. By Friday evening I was spiking a fever. We called my surgeon about it. He sent me to get a CT scan of the area.
The scan did show some abnormality. They ordered an ambulance to take me back to Fairview Hospital where the surgical team was waiting for me.
So, at about 2 A.M. on Saturday the 14th, I had emergency surgery to repair the perforation.
I awoke from that surgery with an ostomy bag hanging from my belly.

I gotta tell ya, two major surgeries in less than two weeks tends to sap the life out of a person. I don’t recall feeling so weak and frail as I have these past couple of weeks. I’m 20 pounds lighter than my pre-surgery weight. I have little strength left. They told me not to lift anything over 10 pounds. Hell, I can barely lift that much!

The next step will, hopefully, be near the end of May when the ostomy is to be reversed and I’ll be put back together.

I appreciate all of the concern that has been expressed to my through social media and the phone. You are all good people.

Thank you!

As far as moving forward, well, next Wednesday, April 1, will be my first full day of retirement. I am looking forward to it. Who knows, maybe my life will be able to develop some form of ‘normalcy.’ (Although for me, what really IS normal?)

I hope to get back to some form of creating content here as well as some other projects that I have swimming around in the back of my brain.
It will be an interesting time, to be sure.

So, thank you again to all of you who have stuck with me on this strange journey.
I look forward to walking with you further on down this road.

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It’s Been an Interesting Trip

I’m Back!
Well, kinda.
It would be understating things just a tad if I said that my body hadn’t just taken a pretty big hit. I guess that you can’t have your belly cut open and 12″ of colon removed then get back to business as usual.
Hell, it’s taken over a week and a half just to get one semi-formed turd!
(Ok, I get it…TMI.)
But, you get the idea.
I am still quite a way off from being anywhere close to physically well.

The week I spent in hospital was rough. I tried to share some of what was going on with friends on Facebook.
I had a lot of fluids going in, but not much coming out.
This caused the staff to get concerned.
Then, I began to get sick. Nausea. Not good with a belly wound.
They stuck an NG tube up my nose and into my stomach to help relieve the distress.
There is nothing fun about that. Not at all.
Eventually, after about a day and a half, it appeared that things had settled down. They pulled the tube and I began to take clear liquids again.
I had finally turned a corner and was on my way forward toward recovery again.

But, it’s slow. I’ve had to purposely keep from doing too much.
That has included writing here and spending much time on social media.

What all of this down time has allowed is time to reflect.
Now, for those of you who know me, that can be a dangerous thing.
Giving me time to spend inside of my own head, well, weird stuff can happen.
So, I hope to spend time discussing some of these thoughts here over the next little while.
I don’t know that I’ll be able to write every day. That’s going to entirely depend on how I feel. Right now I have to listen to my body. And, if it says, “Whoa! Not today!” Then, so be it.
But, as the name of this blog states, I am here to push boundaries. I want to offer alternatives to accepted norms. I ask questions and don’t necessarily expect answers.
And, I want to spend more time working to speak Truth to Power.
People have for too long been marginalized and held down because of religion and other human-created constraints. There are a lot of other people, like me, who have seen enough crap and are compelled to speak up.
So, that’s kinda where I hope to head in the next little while with a particular focus on critique from within concerning the Christian Church.
It needs it.

Badly.

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Gratitude

The past month has been, well, unique for me.
I began the month looking forward to my retirement looming just at the horizon. I could see the glint and glitter of my own Emerald City as the rays of the sun caressed it. The reflections dancing on the wisps of clouds that soared so high above.

Then, I have what?!?

And, the roller coaster plunged down that first hill.
Cedar Point got nothing on this one!

The weeks that followed my diagnosis have been, well, a tad turbulent.
I’ve had what appeared to be one setback after another. From suspicious spots on my liver to a failed cardiac test.
All of these things adding to the stress and anxiety that was already present.

Oh, and still trying to get all of the details nailed down for that retirement thing.

It’s been, well, interesting.

Yet, even as I sit here, still uncertain about what’s next, I am filled with gratitude.

I am extremely grateful that on that November Monday morning in 2011 that Dr. Dean Nukta was on call at Fairview Hospital. He was the person who put two stents in the main artery of my heart that was 100% blocked. He saved my life that day.
I am grateful that he is still my doctor and, when an abnormality showed up in a stress test, immediately scheduled a cardiac cath so he could determine what was happening. He cared enough about my upcoming cancer surgery to shoe-horn me in. He also oversaw this procedure. In all of the years that I’ve been his patient, yesterday was the first time that I saw him smile as he told me that everything looked great.
So, thank you Dr. Nukta.

Staying with that theme, I want to sincerely thank the entire cath team for their work.
They were professional, yet personable. They were a comfort both in their presence and their expertise.
The team in Pre/Post, especially Jackie, deserve cudos. Again, their care, compassion, and professionalism were greatly appreciated.

I want to thank all of you who have been following this continuing saga. Your concern and well-wishes are appreciated more than you can ever know.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Of course, my wife and daughter have been pillars for me. Even though they are both battling illness, they have risen to the task of supporting me physically and emotionally.
There are not enough thanks that can be offered for them.

God, too, is deserving of my gratitude. Perhaps not for the reasons that some of you may expect. I am grateful to Yahweh for Presence. I am not some kind of holy person. I don’t walk around with my religious head up my sanctified butt.
But, I do recognize God’s Presence. If I seem comfortable and peaceful it’s not because I have some ability to rise above circumstance. I don’t. In truth, I am a real pain in the ass. However, if I can testify to anything at all it’s that God has been fully Present throughout this time.
Please don’t think that I’m saying that God is somehow orchestrating the process. I don’t believe that for a second.
God is Present in the process.
God Empathizes wholly with what I am experiencing and has chosen to walk beside me as I go through all of this.
So, yes, I am grateful to God for Presence.

I am still awaiting the outcome of that MRI I had yesterday.
That will be the final determinate as to whether I have surgery on Monday or, um, something else less encouraging.

I do appreciate you all for your support.
And, I hope that I don’t need to return this particular favor.
I don’t wish what I am experiencing on anyone.
But, if the time should come, I will do my best to walk with you.

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I Think That I Need A Sherpa Guide To Navigate These Mountains

Ok!
I said that I was going to chronicle my journey with cancer. I found out a little over two weeks ago that I have a mass in my colon. Biopsy showed it is cancer.
Now, for a normal person that would mean a CT scan to see if there was any spread.
Once done, surgery would be scheduled and the cancer removed.

Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who knows me knows that there’s nothing normal about me. So, of course this has turned into one major cluster-f@#k.
First, the CT scan showed a couple spots on my liver. They are too small to determine xactly what they are. So, the surgeon ordered an MRI. Of course, that requires
pre-certification from my insurance company.
Add 10 days to the wait for surgery.

In the mean-time, I had to involve my cardiologist because I had a heart attack in 2011. They put 2 stents in the LAD artery, the so-called “Widow Maker.”
My cardiologist ordered a nuclear stress test to determine how well the blood flows through my coronary arteries.
Even though I studied hard, I apparently failed that test.
I saw my cardiologist yesterday. He explained that there are two parts of my heart that showed poor blood flow.
He ordered a cardiac cath so that he can go in and see exactly what the issues are.

So, what does all of this mean?

Here’s the down low.

  1. MRI
    If the spots on my liver are normal cysts or something else that isn’t a problem, I would be cleared for colon surgery on Monday.
    If, however, the spots are possibly cancer, the surgery is off and I get to start chemo.
    fun.
  2. Heart cath
    If the cath shows no major problem, then I go home and am clear for surgery on monday.
    If the doc finds something serious and needs to put in a stent or other intervention, then I stay in hospital and the surgery is postponed.

As you’re reading this, I’m prepping for the MRI.
And, I still don’t know a thing about anything.

I won’t know if surgery is a go until, perhaps tomorrow.

So, for a normal person the surgery would have been done almost 2 weeks ago and that person would be sitting at home healing.

For me?

Well, shit!
Normal’s no fun!!!

I will try to keep you all updated as this somewhat rocky journey continues.

Oh, does anyone have a compass?

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Sleep, Blessed Sleep

Midnight.
Sleep eludes.
It runs and hides from the Maelstrom of my Mind
Menacing.

Thoughts.
Images.
Emotions.

Rushing, Churning.
“When will it stop?!”

Awake and restless.
Like a Horizontal Square Dance,
“Toss to the left; Turn to the right.
Sit up straight; Awake all Night.”

“Please, Yahweh, Let Sleep, Blessed Sleep
fall upon me.”

Yet, here I am still.

Waiting.

Hoping.

Praying.

“Please, help.”

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Breaking Out To Become Light

I’ve written before about the use of the word “Metamorphosis” in the Gospels and Paul’s Epistle to the Church at Rome. How it’s translated as “transformed,” or “transfigured.” I’ve also written that those words really seem to lack in nuance. Compare the image of transformed, like water when heated transforms into steam, with the image of Metamorphosis, a beautiful butterfly breaking free from its previous form.

This past Sunday the lectionary selections were from the Gospel according to Matthew and 2nd Peter. Both shared the story of Jesus’ transfiguration.
In that story we see Jesus going to the top of a mountain with his three buds, Peter, John, and James. While on the mountain Jesus was transfigured. His face shone brightly and his clothes became radiant. The Light that Is God filled Jesus and He shone as a source of light, not a reflection of it.
Stop here and think about that.
Visualize it in your mind’s eye.
What did that look like?
I’m just thinking, Wow!

As I listened to our parish priest talk about this, suddenly gears began falling into place.
I saw something beyond the exegesis that I shared at our Bible study that morning.
Our priest alluded to what I began to think.
That the Church, AKA the Body of Christ, may be the only Light that many people see. He went on to encourage us to walk in the footsteps of Jesus. Helping the poor, the outcast, the Other, and leaning into humanity just as God did in Jesus.

I get that.
That’s how we who follow Jesus should not just act, but should BE to the world around us.

I saw something else, though, in these texts.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus told his followers, “You are the light of the world.”
Ok, cool. How do we do that? How do we become that Light that Jesus talked about?

Paul wrote to the Church at Rome and told them, “Hey, folks…don’t follow the ways of this world. Don’t let your life be formed in that mold. But, rather, allow your mind to be renewed so that you may Metamorphosize.”

I think that if we who follow Jesus truly desire to walk that path, we too, must experience that Transfiguration that Jesus experienced.
Somehow, our minds are capable of renewal and we are capable of experiencing transformation that will, in fact, make the Church a source of Light in this world.
A beacon of love and hope where all are welcome.

Unlike many who claim to be christian, who choose to remain in larval or pupate form, who eat and eat and eat, and take and take and take, we are asked to grow beyond that narrow life. We are asked to look to a Big God Whose Light may course through us a shine from deep within.

Let us seek God’s renewal.
Let us BE transformed.
Let us BE LIGHT!!!

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There’s Nothing Sweet About the Sorrow of Parting

Juliet said to Romeo, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
Little did she know at the time what a great tragedy was in store for them both.

That phrase is still used today to convey hope that there will be a future return.
Those parted will one day find their paths converging in a joyful reunion.
Such is the hope, anyway.

I am finding no sweetness in the partings that lie before me.
I will be officially retiring from active employment at the end of March.
However, with cancer surgery looming large on the near horizon and at least a month of recovery time, I will be leaving my current workplace at the end of next week.

Five more workdays.
Two of those will be taken by tests for the upcoming surgery.
So, three days.

Three days to pack in almost 30 years of shared experience.

Yeah, it’s true that there are some that I work with who I will be glad to show my heels.
Not everyone gets along in any family. Right?

There are those who you know on sight, but need to check their shirt in order to remember their name.
“Hey! How ya doin’ uh, Mark?”
These are good folks, but nothing more than fellow grunts in the trenches.

The others, though.
The ones that you have laughed with over the years.
You shared in the joys of marriages and the birth of children.
They’re the ones that you would gladly take dinner to when they have need.
Friends with whom you shared their most deep and painful loss.
How do you say goodbye to these?
People who each own a piece of your heart?

I suppose that there are people who can go through their entire career and not forge bonds like these. For them, when it’s time to move on to the next phase of life they simply wave and they’re gone.

I’m not like that.
These are folks that I have spent the better share of 30 years with.
Folks that I have spent more waking hours with than my own family.
People who I love and care about deeply.

Sure, my company has graciously agreed to let me work from home for the few weeks between surgery and retirement. I am more than grateful to them for this.
So, in a way, these who are beloved will still be present with me.
But, what about their faces?
The laughter shared over a joke. Or, the eyes that suddenly open and shine with sudden understanding at the solution to a problem.
These things will be missing.
Then, when April showers come along, I will be gone.

Yeah, I know. There are ways to stay in touch. I can always go back for a visit.
Maybe, I’m just being overly emotional about this.

Sorry. I can’t help that right now.
I’m emotionally invested in these people.
Heartstrings are being pulled and stretched to the breaking point.

I hope that I can adequately thank these, my dearest friends and comrades, over the next few days.
I’m not sure that such gratitude can be expressed.
But, I’ll try.

I love you, guys.

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