Author: mhelbert

When the Magic Happens

Published by mhelbert on August 13, 2013

Alone. I like to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone in a world created by my imagination. Alone with stories imagined and captured by countless others. People have recognized this and, understandably, have called me a ‘loner.’ Then, of course, they feel it their duty to invade my privacy. “It’s not right for you to be alone. Get out and meet people! Socialize! Enjoy life!” (As if it’s not possible to actually enjoy the quiet solace of solitude!)

There are times, however, when folks gather together for a common cause…and magic happens. This is the point where some people would provide a litany of group activities that are worthwhile. These would range from the marches in Selma in the 1960s to those who challenged tyranny and oppression in Tienanmen Square in 1989. They would add events in life where more than one is necessary…marriage or a soccer match.

Those who know me know that I am a musician. I’ve made music for more than 40 years. In fact, it’s when I am creating music that I find myself closest to myself and to God. I find enjoyment when I am sitting in my room, alone with my guitar, simply noodling about. There is something about closing my eyes and feeling the strings under my fingers that soothes. It can create a moment of total mindfulness. I am aware of the sound; the touch; my breath. Awareness fills my senses and I am carried away on the wings of the moment.

I have played with other musicians and singers. While, for me, being with other people is not necessarily the most comfortable experience, it is still an opportunity to experience the magic. There is something in the struggle with others to create art that adds life. Just as a butterfly struggles to free herself from her cocoon, music that struggles for its freedom can then spread its wings and fly. The band may be enriched by the experience. However, the real magic happens when the newly freed music touches the souls of the listeners.

Today, my dear friend sent me something that exemplifies how people gathered together create a magical moment that far exceeds any solo effort. She sent me a video of a song. She had introduced me this particular song a few months ago performed solo. I’m sure that some of you have heard of ‘The Cup Song’ from the movie Pitch Perfect. It’s a cute ditty where a girl sings a song at an audition using only a cup for accompaniment. When I saw it, I was intrigued by the imagination of the writer and producer. They had taken something exceptionally simple and presented it with a creative twist. And, there was magic. In the video I viewed today, the song was reimagined for quartet. There was magic four-fold! The addition of harmony, rather than cluttering, added new layers of color and texture that makes the song compelling. More than that, however, I saw people who were interrelated. They had worked and struggled to produce something together that was impossible for one person. In collaborating they created a ‘community’ gathered to enjoy the moment and each other. In the process…magic!

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I Am a Rock

Published by mhelbert on August 12, 2013

One of my favorite songs of all time is “I Am a Rock,” by Simon & Garfunkel. When I hear it, I hear a description of me.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve always envied people who, at least from my perspective, seem to have no trouble opening up to others. They have many friends and enjoy spending time with them. I am not one of them. Yeah, I have several people whom I like and get along with. We socialize and sometimes work together. But, they are not folks with whom I share myself. I’ve built walls, a fortress deep and mighty.

Over the years there have been a few people that I have let in. I’ve escorted them inside of my fortress and showed them the tapestries and paintings on the walls. I’ve opened the secret cabinets holding the silver plates and gold-rimmed chalices that I keep there. I have exposed my heart to these. But, like my cat who is socially handicapped, I don’t know when to close doors. In my exuberance to be accepted I hold nothing back. Soon, I find that my exposure is too costly. Either my emotional offering is not returned or, like Hezekiah who revealed his entire treasure to the Babylonian delegation, I find my treasure plundered and carried off.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

One would think that I would remember this. But, emotions tend to awaken. They open one eye and gaze about. If that eye spies something interesting, suddenly they become alert and search for ways to sate their desire to share themselves. You see, emotions must be shared. They cannot exist in a vacuum. While one may experience them in private, there is always some object that they are attached to outside of themselves. Taking on a life of their own, the emotions push all other considerations out of the way and present themselves with all of the false modesty and flattery they can muster. After all, one must offer oneself as perfect so that the other person will be impressed. There cannot be any warts or blemishes showing. We cannot risk rejection. Once disturbed from slumber, however, the inevitable journey toward tears begins.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve written in other places that most of the time I find the company of books preferable to that of people. Books offer refuge. They are worlds in which emotions can live safely. I can wake them and let them out for a little fresh air and sunshine. They really don’t seem to care that books are not reality. They see relationships and trees and flowers and butterflies. They are given a safe environment where they can laugh and cry. And, no one gets hurt.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

“I Am a Rock” lyrics: Copyright: Paul Simon Music, Eclectic Music. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simongarfunkel/iamarock.html Accessed: 8/12/2013.

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The Moments that Make Up Our Story

Published by mhelbert on August 9, 2013

Once upon a time…..

The story opens and new worlds and wonders open with it. I love stories. Any kind of stories. Happy ones; not so happy ones. Stories that thrill; stories that sooth. I’m currently reading one of J.K. Rowlings’ Harry Potter books…again. (Yeah, I’m that kind of geek!) I’ve read other fiction by authors as diverse as John Steinbeck and Mario Puzo. I’ve spent hours in non-fiction that only a true bibliophile could plow through. I love the stories found in the Christian bible. Especially, the gospel stories. By far, however, my favorite stories are the ones that happen in real life. These are not written anywhere on paper. They are written in people’s hearts and lives.

My own story has been a mix of triumph and tragedy, like most everyone else’s. If I could graph the peaks of joy and the valleys of sorrow it would resemble the line of an EKG. These show the points at the tops and bottoms that reveal the heart’s function. I’m still amazed that my cardiologist can see the residual effects of the heart attack I had almost 2 years ago just by looking at these points. But, how much attention is given to the lines in between? Isn’t their purpose simply to connect the dots? Maybe. But, in the real life stories that folks have shared with me, the ‘in between’ lines carry the most important meaning.

As I reflect on the form, or graph, of my life I notice that the various points are the goals that I’ve worked toward. The peaks are those goals that have been met successfully. My wedding, the births of my children, my graduation from seminary. The valleys reveal the goals unmet. Vocational choices, some relationships, realizing personal worth. These are the things that I remember. These are the signifiers of my presence in this world. But, they are only points. They are singular events. There is a lot of time in between when nothing seems to be happening. Cutting the grass and doing the dishes. Paying bills and driving to and from work. There are the hours spent in front of the television or reading books. These are the mundane moments; seemingly meaningless.

Over the past year or so, I’ve been learning, slowly learning, that these times in which nothing seems to happening are potentially full of meaning. They are not simply that part of our lives that run on ‘auto pilot.’ They are the moments in which decisions are made that will affect the next peak or valley in our lives. And, if we’re not careful, we can miss these constructive moments. ‘Mindfulness’ and ‘being present’ are terms that some people use to describe the activity of simply paying attention to the moment we’re currently experiencing. I find myself constantly looking ahead to the next thing that I must do. I have this task to complete; that place to go. What’s for supper? (Even though it’s only noon!) How am I going to pay that bill on time? Myriad things vying for my attention right now!

What if I did the dishes simply for the sake of doing the dishes? What if I was truly ‘present’ at the sink? Not allowing my mind to wander off to all of the other things that need to be attended to. Not reflecting on the triumphs and failures of the day prior to this moment. I could pay attention to the suds and the temperature of the water. I would see that spot of whatever that isn’t washing off. My mind would not be cluttered, but would be at rest; free to exist in this one moment that can never be captured or repeated. Then, this moment would be able to have its own significance in the whole of my story.

What are some of your ‘in between’ moments? How do they fit into your story?

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Who Knows the Wind…

Published by mhelbert on August 6, 2013

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear the sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.”

Yesterday, I met with my spiritual director. We get together about once a month and talk. When I first started to meet with him, I voiced a great deal of frustration about where my life had been and where it appeared to be going. I did not see a great deal of God “working” in my life. I had completed seminary and felt that God would somehow open opportunities for me use that education. The months passed, and…nothing. Well, not entirely nothing. I had a heart attack. But, that’s a different chapter in this story. When I shared my feelings with my director, he listened carefully. (I appreciate that in people.) He did not offer answers.

“Sometimes we don’t see what God is doing unless we look back,” was the gist of his response at that time. By this he meant that transformation and maturity usually happens in bits and pieces over time. In our busy-ness we don’t see this happening. We are not ‘mindful’ or present to the way that the Holy Spirit encourages us and draws us ever nearer to the heart of God. “The wind blows wherever it pleases.”

I’ve begun to take his advice and have been reflecting on some things recently. I guess that’s what old, feeble people do. We look back over our lives, the decisions we’ve made, the people we’ve known and loved, (and some we haven’t loved too much!), and consider the legacy we’re leaving. Much of that reflection for me has revealed a long track filled with many train wrecks. Don’t get me wrong, there has been much joy in my life. But, for me, personally it’s been difficult.

I began to realize that not all of who we are as people is revealed in what are referred to as ‘outward’ attributes. Things like relationships, financial stability, jobs and the like. Perhaps, the greatest light shines on our ‘inner’ selves. These are the things that can drive our outward responses and actions. An example would be the frustration and anger that rise to our middle finger as that other idiot on the road cuts us off. I started to look inwardly, into my heart, to see what was there. What I found has encouraged me.

Over the past half dozen years, or so, there has been a growing compassion and empathy for others. Especially, for those who are not like me. Many evangelical churches encourage their members to make ‘unsaved’ friends. The reason for that is so that they can cultivate relationships that would enable them to share their message and, hopefully, get that person ‘saved.’ Well, I’ve found that I have more friends and people I communicate with who would not fit into that ‘born again’ demographic. And, I like them. They are wonderful people who care about others. They laugh and share and enjoy life. I have no intention of ‘preaching’ to any of them. I am, and have, been ready to share my experience with God when the subject comes up. But, there is no pressure on them or me for anything more than simply being together. I’ve found that I can empathize with them. My heart fills with compassion as I listen to them. And, I have the freedom to just be with them. No agenda or ulterior motivation. We are fellow humans, spinning through God’s Good Universe on a big rock. It is good.

Ten years ago, the story would have been much different. I was much less tolerant of others’ differences. I accepted a ‘black and white’ reality that had no room in it for the rainbow of God’s grace. I was angry and my life was a mess. But, God has been faithful and good. In my reflections I see hope. Hope that somehow our good God will continue to walk at my side, guiding me ever-so-gently, into a closer relationship with God and all of God’s Good Creation. “You hear the sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.”

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Diversity and Snoopy’s Theology

Published by mhelbert on August 5, 2013

Those who know me understand that I like to stir things up from time to time. I’ve never been afraid to speak my mind. I’ve never been afraid to embellish things with a wee bit o’ hyperbole. I don’t do this to be a smart ass. I do it to push people to think about what they are saying and doing. Yeah, sometimes it bites me in the back side. Most of the time, however, I’m not sure that anyone’s actually listening. Or, maybe they just don’t have the time to think about it.

Yesterday was one of those times that I purposely poked. A Facebook friend had posted something about being a liberal. Now, I’ve made it pretty clear that I lean to the progressive/liberal side of the theological spectrum. So, when I saw this I thought that it was worth reposting on my timeline to see what kind of responses it would garner. A couple people ‘liked’ it. That was expected. One person, however, took exception to it…with gusto. I enjoyed reading his response. It was well thought and courteous. Yes, there was strong language and passion. I would expect nothing less from him.

While I disagree with some of what he wrote, I must honor his position. It’s where God has met him. This thing that we call orthodoxy is a fairly wide playing field. There is a lot of room for diverse ideas and beliefs. This may have been the single most important lesson I learned in seminary. ‘Doing’ theology is not simply reading someone’s book on Systematic Theology and spewing it at people. It is conscious reflection on what we understand from the Scripture, the Church and its traditions, the creeds and how they intersect with the reality of our culture. It’s wrestling with the tough questions and issues while resisting the tendency to offer simple answers that help no one. My friend has done this. So have I. We have come to different conclusions. That’s ok. God, whom we follow, is a big God. I’m fairly sure that God is not worried about our differences. We each have different gifts and purposes in life that the Holy Spirit distributes as the Holy Spirit sees fit. For me, or anyone else, to say that someone else has missed the mark is simply wrong. Yes, we can encourage one another to greater understanding. Yes, we can use hyperbole to poke and prod one another to continue to think and reflect. And, yes, we can piss each other off. But, through it all, we’ve got to remember that we can have only a small piece of God’s truth. And, chances are, we’re wrong a lot more than we realize.

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Milestones…

Published by mhelbert on August 3, 2013

Milestones. Wikipedia defines it as “a series of numbered markers placed along a road or boundary.” The purpose is to provide some point of reference along a road. They serve the multiple purposes of letting travelers know that they are on the right path and to reveal distance travelled toward a given destination. The Hebrew Bible has a term for this, also. In 1 Sam. 7 there is a story about God securing victory over Israel’s enemy, the Philistines. The prophet Samuel set up a stone to mark God’s provision and called it ‘Ebenezer,’ which can be translated as “the stone of help.” He placed it as a memorial…something to help people remember what had happened.

Today I have a milestone that marks my progress in the Way of Jesus. This is the 200^th blog post that I’ve written. Holy Smokes! Whodathunkit? Over the past few years I’ve had the pleasure to publish my thoughts and musings in the most public forum that humans have ever enjoyed. I’ve been read by people in Russia and Europe; India and Asia. These words of mine have been dispersed throughout the U.S. Yes, God has provided for me in this endeavor. I am extremely grateful to our Good Creator for granting me this privilege.

So, today as I sit in my office with incense burning and enjoying a wee bit ‘o Irish coffee, I say ‘Thank you!’ to those who have put up with my rants and raves. To you who have taken the time to share my heart and mind. Especially, I thank those who are my friends and still like me after they read what I write. (No easy task, I assure you!) I intend to continue on this journey, placing other milestones along the way. I so love all of you who have chosen to join me. God Bless You Real Good!

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Therefore, What God has Joined Together…Sometimes Gets Broken

Published by mhelbert on August 2, 2013

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” These words written by the apostle Paul to the folks who followed Jesus in Rome are included in his description of what a community of people who are being transformed from those who live according to the rules of human culture into a spiritual community. These people, he stated, were in actuality part of a single ‘body.’ They were a unified whole in which each part was dependent on the others for their very existence. This is a way of viewing our interdependence with others that has, for the most part, been lost to Western culture. It has been also lost in the one place that one would expect to find it…the Church.

We followers of Jesus have been known for a long time as one of the few groups who shoot their own wounded. When life gets tough and some of us struggle to move, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, we often accuse, shame, and shun that person. I’ve seen this happen in others. And, I’ve experienced it personally.

Please understand that my intention is not to bash anyone. I know these people. I have been these people. They have good hearts and desire more than anything to serve God. But, we all get caught up in a righteous fervor from time-to-time that makes it difficult to get past the letter of the law to the graciousness that God has exampled for us in Jesus.

With that being said, I am going to turn my attention to divorce. I am not going to quote statistics other than to mention that the divorce rate among people who follow Jesus is pretty much the same as those who do not. Some say that anywhere from one third to one half of all marriages end in divorce. Whatever polls are used, that adds up to a lot of hurting people.

How should we respond to this? Should we follow the letter of the Scriptural prescription? Jesus made it very clear that divorce was not God’s intention for people. He is recorded as saying, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” There’s nothing ambiguous about that statement. Divorce is not an option that God desires. Many people in the church read this statement written by Matthew and conclude that divorce is therefore a sin. God said it. I believe it. That settles it. But, what does that look like in real life?

I had a friend many years ago who was in an abusive marriage. At times she feared for her safety. She and her husband went to church leaders for help. Much of what they received in counsel was that the husband needed to learn to love her sacrificially, just as Jesus loves the church. And, the wife had to submit to her husband no matter what. That meant that she was told to stay with him, abuse or no. At one time she became so afraid that she left to find a safe place to stay. She was commanded by the church leaders to return to her husband. Confused, hurt, and shamed she acquiesced and like a good little wife, went back.

After time, however, the fear and tension in that home became too much to bear. She moved out and began divorce proceedings. Shortly after this she received a letter from the church leadership stating that if she and her husband moved forward with a divorce they would be considered to be actively sinning and would no longer be welcome in the church. They did divorce and are now both remarried and seem to be doing very well.

The reason that I used this example is to demonstrate, what I feel, is a pastoral fail. Again, I don’t intend this to be a personal attack on any particular group of people. This kind of Biblicist action takes place in many churches. The thought being that if Jesus has apparently condemned some action or behavior, we must condemn it, also. After all, the Bible is God’s word and we don’t want to go against that.

Ok, well, let’s take a look at how Jesus handled a situation where the letter of the law, God’s word, was called as a witness. In the Gospel according to John there is a story about a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. A group of religious leaders dragged her before Jesus and explained, rightly, that the law demanded that she be stoned to death. After all, Torah was God’s word. Jesus realized that. At no point did he deny that Moses had written that adultery was a capital offense. He could have simply agreed with those men and righteously condemned the woman. But, he did not do that. Instead, he turned the issue into an opportunity to show all of the people that we are all fallible and subject to error. In essence he said, “Let the person who is without sin throw the first stone.” No one came forward. In fact, all of the accusers turned and walked away. In the end, no one was left to condemn her. Jesus, then, said, “I do not condemn you either.” He sent her on her way with an encouragement to stop sinning.

Jesus did not do away with the law. He set it aside in order to pour out compassion on a hurt and confused woman. He reinterpreted the text in the context of real life with real people who have real needs. Yes, the Bible is clear on Jesus’ feelings about divorce. We, however, need to recognize that what Jesus said is an ideal. How we apply that must be tempered with compassion. One commentator wrote, “Only an unjustifiable Biblicism will force the idealism of New Testament ethics in a cruel and heartless manner by an adamant insistence upon the teaching of this passage, (Mat.19:3-12), as merely a collection of detailed laws.”

Whatever position on divorce someone takes, we as people who desire to follow Jesus must look closely at the things that Jesus did, not just the words that he spoke. As the quote at the beginning of this post states, we must show empathy, not judgment when our sisters and brothers are hurting. We are, after all, sewn together in a glorious tapestry of humanity. Each joined to the other in the love of God through Jesus.

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One Chapter Ends; A New Chapter Begins

Published by mhelbert on August 1, 2013

Our family has spent the last week cleaning out Dad’s house so that we can sell it. He’ll never be able to move back there. His dementia has settled that issue. He must have 24/7 care. We are unable to provide that care for him. So, he will spend the remainder of his sojourn here in a skilled facility.

We have tried to be careful. So much stuff! So many memories! We have excavated through the layers, each one revealing a sight, a sound, a smell retrieved from the deep recesses of our memories. Laughter and tears originating decades ago rush back and live again in our minds. We found special papers. Baptism certificates for Mom and Dad. Their marriage license and original typed Last Will and Testament. There were the adoption papers for my brother and me. Our own “Ancestry.Com” in a small accordion shaped box. My mother’s jewelry had to be sorted. And, still, almost three years after her passing, we found a cabinet full of her old medications. There were shoes and boots, scarves and other clothing that belonged to her. Dad never could say goodbye. He allowed her ghost to live with him; comforting him.

As their lives piled up in the living room awaiting relocation, I began to wonder how more than 8 decades of life could be reduced to this. I remember being 4 years old and ‘helping’ dad build a fence around our backyard. We would walk to the lake where he taught me to fish and skip stones. Mom would make the world’s best cinnamon rolls. They were small; small enough for my preschooler size fingers to hold onto. Through many years we experienced joy and sorrow. Yet, they gave my brother and me a good life. We have so much to be grateful for. And, now…I gaze on what’s left. I never expected a huge legacy from them. Dad always told me that he made a lot of money, and he spent a lot of money. He lived by that old adage, “you can’t take it with you.”

Yet, that doesn’t make standing over these leftovers from their lives any easier for me. I don’t know. Maybe, it’s because Dad is still with us. I have a recurring fear that he will suddenly become lucid and want to go home. “Uh, Dad…I’ve got some bad news…” But, that will not happen. Besides, he is happy in his new home with his other ‘roommates.’

I guess I shouldn’t feel too badly. After all, this is how they would want us to handle their things. We have to inspect every knick-knack. All of the papers and clutter from Dad’s desk need to be opened and read. We will touch, see, and smell the lives of these two people over and over again. We will laugh, like when my wife found a box of Viagra. And, we will cry as we feel the weight of the years pressing down on us. The dishes that my grandmother passed on to my mom have found yet another temporary home with us. Eventually, they will move along to another generation. Mom and Dad will live on in us, our children, and their children. The thread drawn from the spool, pulled ever forward.

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Relationships can be Messy

Published by mhelbert on July 30, 2013

Relationships are stressful. Yeah, Hollywood makes them look all nice and pretty. Two people who are attracted to one another, walking hand in hand along the beach toward the setting sun to live happily ever after. Umm…not in this lifetime. The reality is relationships are messy and complex.

Two people sitting at a table in some bar or café see each other and smile. There’s a song playing that both of them like and they mouth the words together. One of them gets up and introductions are made. Close up, they look into one another’s eyes and a kind smile reinforces the feelings that are growing in intensity. Small chit chat. Maybe a drink or latte. An exchange of contact information. What really seals the deal, however, is if I feel that this person really likes me! Being accepted by another person is the glue that binds the hearts together.

The new couple can’t wait to spend time together. There’s so much to learn about each other. Besides, there are those tingles! You know the ones. They make you giddy with expectation. When you hear her voice butterflies flit around somewhere deep inside. It’s exciting to explore someone’s life. Especially, this person who makes us feel sooo good. We get to know what they like and don’t like. What kinds of foods are good. Music, clothes, theater…all reflecting the personality of that person who is becoming a significant part of our life. We ask each other about home and family. “Where were you born? Do you have any siblings?” We want to know as much about this person as we possibly can. Why? Because we’re genuinely interested. And, we really want them to know that we are interested!

As time goes on, though, some folks find that something’s not quite right. The mutual admiration society that was shared at the beginning becomes a tad deflated. The spots of dirt begin to appear. Disagreements arise over things that at one time enamored us. You know, that quirky little laugh of hers? It grates on us now. She used to love it when you touched her. Now, you feel her tense up and pull away. We begin to feel that we give more than we receive. (At least in our own mind.) Finances become a contentious topic. She actually wants to know your credit rating! Dirty dishes and laundry create frustration and anger. The other person never seems to be ready on time. The bedroom becomes a desert where only a few scorpions and cacti live. Messy.

As stress builds, so does anxiety and fear. Anxiety over the possibility of the relationship’s failure. Fear over being stuck in a bad relationship…for-freakin’-ever! This is when that part of our brain called the amygdala kicks into high gear. The amygdala is an ancient part of the brain that many believe “processes information regarding threats and fear.” It is important in the ‘fight, flee, or freeze’ reaction we experience when some threat or stress is present. (Brian McClaren notes that some experts add a fourth ‘f’ to the list. For them the list is ‘fight, flee, freeze, or…copulate.’) It is here that some relationships are pushed to the breaking point.

What started out so fresh and exciting has become a source of pain and struggle. Acceptance and affirmation have long since gone the way of the dinosaur. Rejection and dismissal have taken their place. In a way, trust has been broken. Disappointment and disillusionment seem to fill every moment; every crack and crevice of our consciousness. Choices need to be made…and quickly.

If one person in the relationship does not share the frustrations of the other, she/he may be able to withstand the pressure and tough it out. However, that will not guarantee that the other person will. There is a chance that the more satisfied partner may encourage some kind of counseling or intervention. Reconciliation may be possible. (Calling in the outside cleaning service to help with the mess.) Even with these measures, there’s a good possibility that the relationship will end. We humans have proven ourselves quite ready and adept at breaking relationships. For many, however, this is the only viable option that can allow each individual to maintain their own integrity as a person. Both reconciliation and separation have their limitations. Neither is perfect.

Another possibility is to stay in the relationship even though there is no longer any real personal connection. This was once encouraged by some conservative religious leaders in cases where children were involved. One such leader stated that staying together for the sake of the children is the only correct and proper action to take. I disagree with him on many levels. Not the least of which is raising children in an unloving, adversarial environment cannot be good.

Still one more option is to start the process all over again…with someone else. This path is taken by those who are afraid to lose their current, seemingly, secure relationship. Or, they truly don’t want to hurt the other person. They feel, however, there is no other way to experience love and acceptance. This is how infidelity begins and lives are destroyed. This is McClaren’s fourth ‘f’. Yeah, there’s the hope of something fresh and new. Excitement over being accepted by another bubbles to the surface. The person may actually believe that the object of their affection feels the same toward them. But, this path goes nowhere. Eventually, the other person is not going to want to play the game and will demand that this new relationship move on to greater commitment. Out of the possibilities stated here, this is the most hurtful and destructive. In its wake are only anger, frustration and shame.

Why has God formed humans in such a way that we struggle with intimate, committed relationships? Why can’t it be easy? Honestly, I have no answer for these questions. And, spoiler alert, no one else does, either. If anyone says that they do they’re either deluded or lying.

There are some things to consider, though. Throughout history there have been conflicts. Two people, or two nations, become dissatisfied with their current relationship. Maybe there is some breach of treaty or other provocation. Some of these conflicts are large, like wars and ethnic violence. Some small, like fights and arguments on the playground. God has revealed God’s self as loving and caring…unconditionally. God displayed that love by wholly identifying with the Good Creation, including humanity, through the life, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus. Selflessness. In our messy relationships we have the opportunity to emulate God. The apostle Paul wrote to the folks living in Philippi,

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

We can share in the suffering of Jesus and offer our pride and our desires and, yes, ourselves to the person who has chosen us as a partner to walk through life with. Is this a guarantee that a relationship will be successful? No. In fact, I think that there are some relationships that should have never been established in the first place. These are very likely to fail no matter what the partners try. What this can do, however, is provide perspective for our desires. It can shift the focus away from what I want to what my partner wants. That may be the spark that keeps love’s light shining.

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No Longer Borg

Published by mhelbert on July 28, 2013

In June of 1971 I became absolutely convinced of the reality of God. I was at a retreat sponsored by the Roman Church called ‘Search.’ Being protestant, much of the structure was foreign to me. What was not, however, was a sense that something Transcendent was present. I experienced…felt…a true ‘touch’ that left me changed in a deeply significant way.

Over the next few years my fledgling faith was given substance and form through, first, my Presbyterian church and second, a free style commune-type Para-church. I found that the experience I had could be named. It was being ‘Born Again.’ Wow! Just like Jesus told that guy Nicodemus in the gospel according to John. In a way, this connected me to the earliest Christian church. And, I and those I hung with exploited that connection. Other churches like the one in Rome and any flavor of institutional Protestantism had somehow strayed from the path that Jesus, Paul and the others had originally intended. We, however, had regained the truth. (Sounds kinda cultish…maybe, it was.)

My journey eventually took me into what has become known as the Evangelical Church. Yeah, I put on the whole right-wing, conservative ‘Go Reagan’ regalia that has since stereotyped that entire segment of society. I even wore a suit for awhile! (GASP!) Eventually, I and my family fell in with a group that tried to be less formal; some may say ‘cool.’ We held church in people’s homes and sang contemporary songs. Many had long hair and just about all of us wore jeans and t-shirts with some kind of pithy Christian saying on them. Ah, yes! We were the chosen generation! Chosen to win the world for Jesus. Chosen to lead everyone to the Promised Land.

But, a funny thing happened on our way to heaven. We became more and more antagonistic toward our ‘other-religious’ neighbors. We began to politicize our version of the ‘gospel’ in a way that excluded everyone but us. It was ok to have friends and associates who did not believe like us. That is, as long as we were working and praying for their ‘conversion.’ Our emphasis became the assimilation of all people so that they could become just like us. (Resistance is futile.)

In the process something happened to me. You see, when I was younger I was an aspiring young freak. I wasn’t quite old enough to be a bona fide Hippie, but I was totally immersed that attitude and culture. We saw ourselves working for freedom. But, wait, there was more. We wanted to create a new reality in which people of all races, religions, genders and orientations were welcomed and affirmed. We saw ourselves as the vanguard of a new social reality in which government actually served the purpose of justice. Oh, and we wanted our rock-n-roll LOUD! As I reflected on this, my inner liberal came back to life. You might say it was resurrected. I began to realize that the Evangelical culture that I had so long been a part of simply did not fit me anymore. I’m not sure it ever did. The worship and the message coming from the pulpit were shallow. The confrontational spirit and exclusion of all ‘others’ was distasteful. The words I heard simply could not be reconciled to my understanding of Way of Jesus as the gospel writers presented it.

In the past couple of years I have found myself identifying more and more with people often referred to as Millenials or Gen Xers. These people have come to the table with observations and questions that are refreshing and not easily dismissed. They doubt. They don’t accept rote dogma nor pat answers to their concerns. They are seekers. Theirs is an inclusive spirituality that defies the specific, hard-edged parameters that earlier generations had built. I LIKE THAT!!! Forty years ago, that was me. Now, that’s me again.

So, what do I want? I want transparency. I want to be able to reveal myself as I am, not as someone in some pulpit wants me to be. I want to be part of an inclusive community filled with a diverse contingent of fellow-travelers. I want to be able to ask hard questions of God and God’s people without receiving some well-rehearsed but, ultimately, meaningless drivel. I want depth in our discussions and music and art. I’m tired of the cookie-cutter mentality of the Evangelical tribe. And, I’m no longer afraid of the gatekeepers who try to keep people out. Rachel Held Evans articulates well what many of us desire. She wrote, “What millennials really want from the church is not a change in style but a change in substance.” That’s what I want, too.

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