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Category: Confession

A Confession

Recently I wrote several posts about Unity in the Church.
While much of that is applicable to our everyday relationships with anyone, I want to be clear that my main focus was on the Church. How do we strive for Unity within the Body of Christ?
That was Paul’s focus when he wrote that letter to the Church at Corinth. And, it was mine while writing of our task today.

I also wanted to make it clear that I do NOT support the thoughts or “Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs” of some members of our Tribe. They are hurtful, hateful, and bigoted. They should be called out for what they are, “Barriers to keep “Others” out.”

There are other thoughts, though, that play a similar role.
That of ‘Keeping Ours IN.’
If we are honest, most of us really desire to be a part of something larger than we are. We want to identify with the winning team. (Those of us in the Cleveland, OH area have difficulty relating to that!)
We hope that the tribe that we align with will be regarded as ‘Good’ and ‘Strong.’
I remember when I first chose to follow Jesus I was part of a community of people who truly desired to follow Jesus just like the folks in the First Church. Part of our hope was that the people in the city where we lived would see us living together in love. We tried to embody the communal love of God conspicuously. We were convinced that if the World could only see how Christ followers could truly live together that they would start beating down our doors in order to share in the Love with us.
But, alas, they only saw a bunch of hippies who had horses in the garage.

That didn’t stop us though, from trying to build a counter-culture that could speak to those who were Lost and Wandering in the Darkness that was Secular Culture.
We developed our own music and art. We chose private Christian schools for our children. Or, homeschooled them so that they would not be tainted by the secular doctrines of death that were foist upon unsuspecting public school students.
Our leaders began to show us how our way of thinking and living was the only true and virtuous way.
And, the gatekeepers got stronger.
Soon we had our own stores and businesses. Of course, we were all expected to patronize these because, well, they were Christian, Silly! It didn’t matter that they were not nearly as good as the secular places. They were members of our Tribe!
The music that we developed was, at best, second rate. One singer asked the question in a song, “Why Should The Devil Have All The Good Music?”
Well, because ours was just bad!!!
Yet, we kept forging ahead trying to develop “Real, True Christian Stuff” so that we didn’t need to sully ourselves with that worldly stuff.

Those who told us that they were anointed to lead us continued to direct us toward so-called Godly writers and teachers and other guides who would help us to become more and more transformed into the likeness of the god that we created.

People like James Dobson became our life gurus on how to raise children. Others, like Dave Ramsey, started groups to advise us on financial matters. These people, and many others, touted a Biblical Standard that would enable everyone who followed their practices to live free in an imagined “Bible Land” where we would thrive in Holy Peace.

In the community I was a part of the leaders actively taught these principles. And, because of the heavy-handed pastoral guidance that was part of our life together, many times demanded our compliance.
Of course, this was done because the ‘loved’ us and only desired that we be free to worship God in Spirit and Truth.

So, we willingly followed like sheep follow their beloved shepherd. In fact, that very image was used to describe our relationship with the leadership.

Here’s the rub for me as I look back.

No one put a gun to my head and told me that I HAD to comply with this. I followed them willingly. Even when I knew that something didn’t sound or feel right. I rationalized away my concerns because I Trusted these people to guide me.
I placed my life and my family’s in the hands of men who said that they were leading us along the Straight and Narrow path that would ensure our well-being, indeed, our very salvation.
I chose that path.

Until, I didn’t.

The damage that I did to my family and myself is my own responsibility. I checked my brain at the door and lived in a world where I could say to God, “It wasn’t me, Lord! I just did what I was told by those guys that YOU PUT IN CHARGE! Not my fault!”

But, it was my fault.

We humans like to deflect responsibility from ourselves when there are negative outcomes.
Just like Flip Wilson so many years ago, “The devil made me do it!”
I could point at those leaders and say, “But, they told me to do that!” like it was some sort of magic get out of jail free card.

It wasn’t.
I am still the only person responsible for my actions.
And, they have not always been virtuous.
Lack of faithfulness to my wife and family? — Check.
Poor stewardship of my resources? — Check.
Lousy parenting? — Yep, that too.
Unloving son and brother? — Check.

I could go on and on.

The point of all of this is that I gave my God-Given responsibilities to people who were never supposed to take them from me.
I did that.
Me.
Alone.

I bear the responsibility for my own failings.
Unfortunately, others bear the the scars from my failings.
For that, I am deeply sorry.
I knew better.
But, I did worse.

This is the danger of placing one’s trust in others who, themselves, are struggling and ignorant of the hurt that they inflict on people.

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Self-Reflection and Motivation

When I began writing this blog way back in the dark ages, I never assumed that everyone who read it would agree with me.
About anything.
I did, however, promise myself that I would take any criticism seriously.
Yeah, I know that there are trolls out there. They’re different. I won’t engage with them when/if I see them.
However, serious comments that call me out for something that I write are welcome.

I received such a criticism yesterday.
I don’t recognize the person’s name. So, at first I simply considered dismissing the comment.
I didn’t, however. I approved it for viewing and replied.

Just so everyone understands what I’m doing here, let me explain a couple things.

All of us have blind spots. You know, those areas of our character that we simply cannot see. We need others who can point these out to us. Once they do, we have some choices.
1) We can dismiss them and ignore their observations. This may make us feel good about ourselves for a moment. But, the blind spot is still hidden. We will fail in that area again.
2) There’s the good ol’ American knee-jerk reaction that attacks the other person. If we can diminish them through a counter-criticism we can inflate our own ego and sense of self.
No positive outcome will come of that.
3) We can deny what the other person says. “Who? Me? No way am I like that! You are soooo wrong!”
Again, counter-productive. It keeps us living in Never-Never Land with the other children.
4) Accept what the other person says as plausible and take the time to reflect on it.
This is the course that I choose when confronted with criticism.

This approach forces me to self-reflect on who I am and why I do things.
It also, for me anyway, forces me to seek God’s Spirit to shine a Light on the area that has been questioned. You see, if there is a blind spot that someone else sees, then I need to have Help to see it myself and deal with it.

So, I sit.
I pray.
I reflect.

I ask questions of myself. Particularly, what are my purposes and motivations for writing the things that I do.
Is it pride? Do I want people to see how educated and intelligent I am?
Is it to be known? Do I want to see the number of views continue to grow?
Is it anger? Do I desire to make those who have hurt me pay for their sins?

Is it to shine a light in the darkness of today’s culture and the world?
Is it to truly offer people hope that the hurt they have experienced through religious or cultural abuse may be alleviated?
Is it to reveal the Nature of God that is revealed in Jesus and brought to life through the Spirit to a world that desperately needs to see it?

If I am totally honest, it’s all of the above.
And, more.

The apostle Paul is famous for writing about what we call the “Already, but Not Yet” reality of life in Jesus. Yes, there is truth to the fact that we are already living in a world that has been inaugurated into God’s new world. Jesus is risen. Sin and Death have been defeated.
Already.
But, we are not all the way there. Just look around and it’s obvious. Love has not blossomed all over the world. Hate, distrust, wars, suffering, hunger, etc. are still our lived reality.
Not Yet.

For me, personally, that means that my motivations are, and will be, mixed.
Altruism; Self-Centeredness.
Me; You.
Self; Others.

I can’t help that. Not while living in this tent.

It also means that I need people like yesterday’s critic to call me out when they see something that reveals a blind spot in my life.
I don’t like it. Who does like the taste of the medicine?
But, it’s necessary in this world to have those with the courage to speak out.
So, to my critic,
Thank You.

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More Letters To Julia – 2/20/2020

Good Morning, Julia!
How are you doing? I hope all is well in sunny New Mexico!
It’s been pretty sunny here recently. But, bloody cold!

Anyway, I was debating whether or not to share this with you. It’s kinda dark. And, you know how we humans hate airing our own dirty laundry in public!
(But, we really like getting other folks’ nasty BVDs out there!)

This is especially difficult for me because I have a public image that may cause folks to think I’m some squeaky-clean holy guy who has his shit all together.
Yeah, really! Who? Me?

The truth is that I don’t.
I never have.
I’m as flawed as anyone else.
Probably more than most.

For a lot of years I hung out with someone who I thought was a good friend.
He used lots of different names.
“Jack,” “Tullamore Dew,” and my favorite, “Jameson.”

Of course, these are all whiskeys.
Whiskey…the Water of the Gods…they say.

And, I jumped right into that with both feet.
I think that I spent the better part of a decade, maybe more, doing my best to drown my head; my heart; my liver.
I didn’t worry too much about it, though.
I wasn’t what you’d call a ‘Mean Drunk.’
In fact, my mother once told me that I was more fun to be around when I’d had a few.

And, I probably was. I don’t know. I really don’t remember too much about that.

People say that drinking causes people to become different. That they change under the influence.
We really don’t.
What alcohol does is release the beasties that already live within.
They get to run around and play and cause all sorts of havoc.
But, they are what’s in our heart.
I did a lot of really, really stupid stuff when I drank.
Because, when allowed to run free, those things that live within are really, really stupid and self-destructive.
When people told me that I had a drinking problem I would tell them, “Not really. I drink. I get drunk. I fall asleep. See? No problem!”

But, it was a problem.
I’m very fortunate that I didn’t kill anyone when I got in my car to drive to the store for more.
I’m fortunate that I didn’t kill myself when I fell down stairs or passed out on the floor.
I’m really fortunate that I didn’t destroy every important relationship that I had.
That there were still people who, although stressed to the max, still stood with me during that time.

To them, “Sorry” doesn’t say enough.

But, I’ve been alcohol free for well over two years.
I have to thank my doc for helping me treat my Alcohol Use Disorder.
(Yeah, it’s a thing.)
It took a long time to Break those Chains that had me bound and sinking into the abyss.

I shared this, I think, because I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can Break the Chains that Bind.
Addictions are big, heavy links that are forged over time. Links are added every day that we live with them.
We don’t need to stay imprisoned, though.
Freedom is just one step away.

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Another Messy Monday

Yeah, that title doesn’t have the ring to it that The Bangles song did.
But, for those of us in Northern Ohio it is appropriate. The Lake Erie snow machine fired up over the weekend to spill snow and yuck over many parts of the area. Snow, slush, ice, and road spray are ubiquitous during these events. Cars and trucks find it hard to stay between the white lines and ODOT has difficulty keeping up. So, it’s a mess.
You’re welcome.

I spent a good share of the weekend catching up on some reading and study. Saturday and Sunday A.M. early I prepared for the weekly Bible study at St. Barnabas. We have been following the Revised Common Lectionary in the study since it began last June. It’s been a lot of fun digging into these ancient texts to see what nuggets can be mined for us today. If you’re ever in the area at 9 A.M. on Sunday, stop by!

Yesterday, after church, I got home and cleaned a bit. Then, built a fire because of the above mentioned Mess Maker that was happening. I sat in my recliner, (Yeah, life’s hard. I know it!), broke out my laptop and several books, and spent about 4 or 5 hours prepping for a class on Centering Prayer and Meditation that I will be leading Tuesday evening. It’s going to be a kind of Introduction to Contemplative Prayer 101.
We spend so much of our lives rushing here and there. When we talk to God, IF we talk to God, it’s usually in a gush of complaints, wants, and desires. We seldom stop. Breathe. Sit. Shut up. Listen. The prayers that we are going to learn about, and actually practice, this week are designed to give us space to simply ‘Be’ in God’s Presence.
So, for anyone who reads this and is in the area, you are more than welcome to stop in this Tuesday, Jan. 21, at 7 P.M. at St. Barnabas in Bay Village, OH.
We would love to share time with you.

This morning in my own quiet time I was acutely aware of my own shortcomings and failures. They loomed in front of me like a wall of granite. I could not see the top of the wall, nor the ends of it. The barrier seemed insurmountable to me.
So, I did what I do best.
I whined about it.
I know that I tend to say and do things impulsively that I immediately regret. I dwell on these until I have nearly convinced myself that God made a huge mistake letting me join the Club. Who would want someone like me around? Someone driven by desires and passions that are antithetical to all of the purity that the Scriptures seem to require of us.
I have been, and continue to be a failure, unworthy to tie the laces to Jesus’ Chuck Taylors.
That’s when I saw an image of God in my mind. Yeah, God is my imaginary Best Friend. Deal with it. Anyway, God’s eye had a gleam as God smiled and slowly shook God’s head. The God said, “You do realize that by My power I raised Jesus from the grave? And, that I formed a new body that He indwells to this day, right?”
I stopped. The realization that my fears, failings, and foibles simply could not be as earth shaking as my mind made them suddenly came upon me.
Yeah, I fail. That’s what I do best.
But, God’s Good Grace and Mercy are more than sufficient to lift me and set my feet back on the Path.
I God is able to do such for me, I know that God is more than capable to lift all of us.

Anyway, those are some thoughts that I have today.

What are some of yours?
Feel free to share in the comments.

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Confession: I’ve A Way To Go

I don’t think that anyone really likes looking in mirrors.
Regardless of how much of a narcissist we may be, I think that we always find something lacking. There is some imperfection that our eyes immediately zoom in on. There’s that hair I missed while shaving this morning. And, damn! it’s right under my nose! Or, that zit that appeared in the last five minutes. Or, there’s a new wrinkle.

And, yet, we must look at ourselves in order to view these things. How can I get rid of that hair if I don’t see it? Yeah, riddle me that!

Oh, I suppose I could not look and wonder why when people look at me their eyes are drawn to that spot on my face that’s growing an oak tree sized hair. Of course, they would be too polite to say anything. The hair would remain until I could see it in a reflection of some sort, whether a mirror or Narcissus’ pool. Then, I could shave it off and all would be well again.

There are other kinds of reflections that we don’t like to see.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of visiting with our parish priest and his husband as they opened their home to us. They provided food and good hospitality. Many from the parish stopped in to visit share our time and lives, however briefly, with one another.

As I sat, munching on some really good food, (thanx Rob!), I listened to various conversations. People talked about art and ballet, restaurants and theater. They shared about their kids and their homes. They laughed and joked about high prices and low values. It was a typical gathering of folks living in middle-class America.

And, I felt hopelessly out of place.

It’s not because I don’t live a privileged life. I do.
Nor do I begrudge these others their good fortune. I don’t.

However, there’s no way that I can relate to them.
I’m from a different era than most of these.
While my parents tried to keep up with the Joneses, I am a child of the 60s. We had an idealism that pretty much abandoned that whole race of the rodents. And, it seems 50 years on I still hold to some of that old idealism.
But, there is a part of me that would really, really like to be able to afford tickets to Broadway plays or to travel in order to see some exhibit of art or ballet.
The bottom line is, though, my wife and I simply can’t do those things.
Especially now that I’m looking at retirement. There are limits, some of them pretty constricting, to what we are able to do.

That leads me to my confession.

Envy.

Yep, that Green Eyed creature that lurks in the blackness of want and desire.
While I would really like to think of myself as above such material things that these other folks were talking about, I’m not. Don’t think ill of me. I’m just a guy who struggles with the whole being human thing.

So why is this an issue?

My envy belies something that is deeper than just desire.
It reveals a feeling of entitlement and superiority.
I am exposed as someone common and vulgar.
Envy shows me that I am still attached to stuff.
There are still gods and idols that my heart and mind bow to that are not worthy of my attention. Yet, they snatch and grab at me. My eyes become averted from the overwhelming blessings that I have received and focus on what I don’t.

That’s why it’s an issue.
I looked in the mirror and saw envy staring back at me.
Hopefully, now that I see it I can cut it off.

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