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Category: Questions with no answers

Sunday Morning Lament

As I sat in silence this morning I saw an image of the president of the U.S.
standing in the rain praising a ruling by a judge in Texas that states that the
Affordable Care Act, the so-called “Obama Care,” is unconstitutional.
My mind showed me the many people, conservatives, who have spent the
last several years trying undo this simple act to help people who desperately need
the help. I asked Why? Why do these people work so hard in order to hurt others?
As my thoughts took wing, I looked down on the people lined up at our borders.
Why are the institutions that we have created trying so hard to hurt others?
I saw the poor in other countries with no clean water or consistent food source.
Why are those governments not helping their own people? They only heap up riches
and power for themselves.
I considered the so-called religious of our culture. What are they doing? After all, aren’t
they all followers of Jesus?
Who was this Jesus? “Behold, the Kingdom of God is near!” he said.
Yeah?
Where?
Because, I’m not seein’ it.
I’m not seein’ it at all.

“How long, O Lord?”
People have said this simple prayer for thousands of years.

“How long, O Lord?”
Will You wait?
Will You allow injustice?
Until You uphold the widow? The orphan? The stranger?

“How long, O Lord?”
Our governments are corrupt. Our leaders care only about their own power and prestige.
They abuse those that they have been called on to serve.

“How long, O Lord?”
The institutions that are established suffer from rot. They care only about surviving.
They care not a whit for those that put their trust in them.

“How long, O Lord?”
The systems that prevail over all things are altogether corrupt.
Racism, sexism, corporations…all tools of the powerful against Everyone Else.

“How long, O Lord?”
Atheists trust in knowledge and humanity’s ability to grow. They trust in the wind.
Progressive Christians trust in humanity’s ability to usher in the Kingdom of God.
How many centuries ago was this proven to be folly?
Evangelicals. Well, they are just dangerous. They hide behind their faux faith and
Like the Pharisees of old, “do not enter the Kingdom and prevent others from doing so.
Rome is altogether corrupt. Self-seeking old men who crave honor, prestige, and power.
Yet, they have castrated themselves and are now impotent.
Orthodox seek God in Spirit and Truth. Yet, they do nothing for anyone outside of their
own cloisters and cathedrals.

“How long, O Lord?”
Martin hoped that the arc of history would bend toward justice.
I don’t see it.

“How long, O Lord?”

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Who Are You, God…Really?

“Don’t worry! We’ll pray that God heals you!”
How many times have people said that? People who truly believe that.

Then, the other dies.

“Well, God always answers prayer. Sometimes the answer is “No”.
Or, “You must not have had enough faith”.
Or some other rationalization that lets God off the hook.

The Christian Bible is full of stories about genocide and rape; murder, lying, and cheating.
Unbelievably, these things are not only allowed, but in many cases commanded by God!
“Well, you know that God’s ways are not our ways. And, God’s thoughts are way beyond ours.
Only God can see the whole picture.”

Yet, that same Bible contains some of the most tender and intimate love stories ever penned.
And, not just The Song of Solomon.
God is portrayed as a loving parent, lover, and friend.
God defends and encourages.

My own observations are, however, a bit, er, different.

I look around and I see a world in which God is not a leading actor.
God doesn’t answer prayer. At least not in any physical way that can be analyzed and proven
to be a supernatural event.
People are afflicted and they die from causes that are entirely natural.
It really annoys me that a tornado can sweep a city off of the map and a survivor can thank God
that she was spared.
But, her next door neighbor was killed.
Where was God for that person?

There have recently been several cases in the U.S. and Canada where parents allowed a child
to die because their religion states that ‘Prayer alone will heal!’
To that… I call ‘bullshit’.

So what?

My mind has wandered.
A single question has been forming like an image on a piece of film swimming in developer:

Who are You, God…Really?

I ask this because it has become abundantly clear to me that the God I have been taught
about is NOT the God of the ‘real’ world.
The God that I learned about in Sunday school and Communicants’ class and innumerable sermons simply
does not exist. He’s a fake; a phantom.
That God is not omnipotent and is certainly NOT omniscient. That God does not answer the prayer of the sick and needy because that God cannot answer the prayer of the sick and needy.

So, Who are You, God…Really?

Please don’t think that I’m trying to stick it to anyone or their beliefs.

This is a real and honest question that I’m asking.

I truly want to find an answer.

If God truly is God, then there should be no problem with asking.

Questions should be no threat.

I talked to my Spiritual Director about these things.
We both saw the path that I should take.
Jesus told his disciples, “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.”
So, we decided that searching the Gospels would be a good place to start
looking for an answer to my question.
Now, I’ve pretty much lived in the Gospels for the last 5+ years.
But, even after all of that time, this question still vexes me.

With that in mind, I have embarked on a new journey.
My path lies through the words written by ancient men who created stories
about the one person in history who claims to have seen God. (”I only do the things that I see the Father doing.”)

At the end, if there is one, I hope to have at least an inkling of who this God that I worship really is.

 

 

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A Confession

Before I publish the last part of my series on the rapture, I must confess something.

No, nothing like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!

No, this is a confession about being torn.

Last week I shared on Facebook that I was having difficulty finishing this series. I wrote that I didn’t want to be mean. I even posted a video from Buckaroo Bonzai about not being mean.

Consequently, during my quiet time with God I sat with my doubts and concerns about this. How can I present a view that is opposed to one that is popularly held without being mean? This is what I wrote in my journal…

I’m still torn. So much of American Protestantism is built on lies. The lies are not stable. They cannot stand. Yet, people cling to them and build towers on them. These people are secure in the lies. The lies are like old friends. They are comforting. They are familiar.

They are lies.

The lies must be destroyed. The buildings and structures built upon them will fail and collapse. People will get hurt. Or, worse.

Some will survive the crash. These will flounder around like fish on the beach. They will try to grasp anything that appears secure. Anything to save themselves.

So, therein lies my dilemma.

The lies need to die.

But, how to kill them without killing the people?

It would be easy if the lies caused real pain and discomfort, like a bad tooth. Then the lies could be removed, like a tooth, and comfort would be restored.

But, the lies are comforting.

There is security in the lies.

There is prosperity in the lies.

Destroying them will be painful.

I don’t want to be vindictive toward those who protect and defend the lies.

Besides, who am I to decide what a lie even is?

Am I not committing the Sin of Certainty?

Yet, that too, is a lie.

There is no Certainty.

Not for us, anyway.

Maybe for God.

No, my dilemma grows.

So I cry out, “Avi! People are being crushed and killed by the Lies! Can we not rescue them without destroying the foundations of their lives?”

Avi replied, “If the foundation is a lie, how can truth be built upon it?”

 

So, I write. I dig. I confront. I can do nothing else.

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To Know Or Not To Know…That Is the Question

This morning in my time of quiet, that time I center myself in God’s Presence, I prayed for a particular Church leader. That’s really not unusual. I regularly ask God to grant grace, wisdom, and humility to those in leadership.

What was different today was how I felt that the prayer should be directed.

Rather than seeking God’s stability for this person, I prayed for God’s grace of uncertainty. For questions and doubt. I asked that God would grant an ability to see paradox.

In asking these things I am praying for this leader to find himself living in the tension of now/then, faith/doubt, reality/pie-in-the-sky.

I would that all who find themselves serving in Church leadership learn to embrace uncertainty. After all, at the end of the day, that’s what we’re left with.

Perhaps, Pete can help.

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Thoughts for a Wednesday Morning

hd-nebula-wallpaperAll of us go through periods when the light seems to be far off and obscured. We spend time in introspection wondering what ever happened to the joy and innocence that existed so very long ago. Anger, frustration, hurt and shame seem to be constant companions. How in the world did my life turn out like this? This question is one that I’ve been asking myself. Why have I taken every opportunity to shoot myself in the foot? I look in the mirror and really don’t like the person staring back at me.

I approached God about this. “Why,” I asked, “haven’t things ‘worked together’ for my good?” Now, I know that some will ask me why I’m counting lemons when there are so many cherries around. So, yes, I’ll concede that not all things are a downer. But, those things are external. What I’m talking about here are the internal things. The feelings and emotions, thoughts and dreams that make us human seem to have fallen in the desert where they shrivel and die.

Then God began to show me the flaws and imperfections, some deadly, that existed throughout the Cosmos.

Tectonic shifts, volcanic activity, super-novas, meteors and asteroids crashing into planets and each other. The universe is a very dangerous place. Yet, look at the beauty that can spring forth from these ashes. Beautiful islands and majestic mountains are created by the natural ebb and flow of the earth’s molten core. Great nebulae expanding out from some great cosmic explosion. From these new stars or planets may even be birthed.

Then God said, “I love all of this! The forces, great and small, that work together to create and recreate reveal the life that I have shared with all things. Yes, some of the forces destroy. Yet, even in death there is the seed for new life. You are no different. With the darkness and struggle you find yourself in is a spark that promises creation of new things.”

Has this changed how I feel? No. It has, however, given me something to consider. Perhaps, in time I’ll be able to fully embrace who I have become and not mourn the loss of innocence. Perhaps, not. That’s tomorrow’s concern. I’m having enough difficulty dealing with here and now.

I really don’t know if any of this makes sense. Or, if it’s just more ramblings of a mad man. But, I suspect that I’m not alone in all of this.

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Relationships…What if?

CreationI started to write this post a few days after we buried Dad. It’s taken a little longer to write than I had originally thought.

I’ve just gone back to work after Dad’s passing. I have mixed feelings about going back. Part of me really would like to take a few more days to recover from the emotional stress of watching Dad during his final hours. Lack of sleep and good nutrition has left me physically drained. Another part of me feels the need to get back in the saddle. Work can be a good diversion, focusing the mind on tasks other than funerals and mourning.
The outpouring of support from extended family and friends has been amazing. I’m not sure that I would be of much use to anyone if not for their encouragement and presence. Yeah, I still like books, but all of these people made the last week not only bearable, but in many ways, pleasant. What can I say? We’re all connected in some way. There is something more than just our common humanity at play here. We all share in the brevity and frailty of life. Love given and received binds us with others as we form communities.
But, there is something more. The connection between us as humans is vast and wide. Why would a person in one part of the world care about the needs of someone 14,000 miles away on the other side of the world? Especially, when that one person has more than enough cares and troubles of her or his own? How can I travel to another culture, not knowing the language, and actually communicate with someone? Perhaps, there is an affinity between us because we are the same species. You know, ‘birds of a feather.’ That could be part of it, I suppose. However, those birds simply flock together. They don’t go out of their way to care for the needs of others. Some birds don’t even care for their own young! No, I don’t see that being the common thread that binds us. I think that there is something other than our physical reality at play here.
What that something is has been speculated about ever since humans began to think. (Although, there are some folks today that I wonder about.) I’m not going to join in that philosophical discussion. I’m woefully under qualified for that.
However, I might speculate on something else… relationship. What if that common characteristic is buried deep within humanity? And, what if it is empowered by an outside source? (I’m just musing.) Could it be that what we call God, or Creator, or any number of names is responsible for touching each of us? Perhaps there is a relationship between this God and the Good Creation that acts as a catalyst causing humans to care. Not only caring for other humans, but for the Good Creation as well. That would explain why there are organizations such as Green Peace and Doctors Without Borders. There are thousands of shelters for battered and beaten people. Environmental and human rights organizations flourish. All of this in a world that seems bent on self destruction. Why? I have no pat answer. Nor, does anyone else.
Maybe, the relationship between the Creator and the Good Creation has been damaged. This has been the position of the Christian Church. They accept that sometime in the distant past, between 6 & 10 thousand years ago, God created all things and declared them ‘good.’ The entire created universe was pristine, if not ‘perfect.’ Humankind was innocent and enjoyed relationships with God and the creation. However, these humans were somehow enticed to disobey God and suffered a ‘fall’ of some sort that affected all of creation. The good relationships with God and the cosmos were damaged. Yet, there was still something within them, a broken shard of God’s image that continued to allow some people to do good things. This idea was first articulated by Augustine of Hippo in the late 4th to early 5th centuries. Personally, I don’t agree with him about the ‘fall.’ But, more on that at another time.
What if, about 14 billion years ago, the known universe erupted and began to form into the wondrous environment that we now live in? Then, somewhere around 4.5 billion years ago this system of planets and asteroids and other matter began to form around a larger mass that became our Sun. Over time changes occurred due to any number of causes and effects. On the third rock from this sun these changes caused organisms to develop that contained within them the potential for what we call ‘life.’ Eventually, millions more years passed until a certain small segment of these organisms developed and matured until humanity emerged…upright and aware of itself within this Great and Good Creation. Now, I hear the voices saying, “Whoa! Where is God in this? Isn’t this just a rehash of some Darwinian theory?” Well, yeah it is…kind of. But, what if God has been a part of this entire process? Perhaps not in an entirely active way. Nor, as the deists would say, as a passive observer. Maybe, God breathed God’s life into that original bit of matter and imbued it with God’s own presence. I’m not going to go into panentheism. I don’t think that the universe is part of God nor that the universe is synonymous with God. I’m saying that, perhaps, God is the One who animated and gave ‘life’ to the process. That God has carefully watched over the cosmos, not as an ‘intelligent designer,’ but as a caring and loving parent who knew and trusted that things would develop a certain way.
In the beginning, the breath of God…Ruach Elohim, who hovered over the formless void…was God the Spirit. The Word of God, spoken, brought order out of chaos. God, present from the beginning, shared part of God’s self with what became the Cosmos. Humans, aware of time, space and self also had the capacity to ‘know’ God. Far from being a separate entity at the top of some cosmic hierarchy, humans have derived their essence from that which erupted all those billions of years earlier. We are ‘part and parcel’ with all of the Good Creation. Relationships…they are built into us…from the beginning.

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The Curse of Dementia…or is it?

For the past couple of years my family has been watching as my dad slowly slips away from us. He has dementia. This condition has reduced a once strong and independent man to a shadow; a wispy wraith trapped within a failing mind and body. I cannot think of a more insidious jailer than this. It has robbed him, and us, of life and liberty and locked him in a cell that is growing darker and smaller with each passing day.

A Bit about Dementia

For those unfamiliar with this condition, let me share a bit of what I’ve been able to learn. Dementia, according to one source, is not a true ‘disease,’ but rather the symptoms of various kinds of brain disorders. There are several underlying causes for dementia. The one that, I believe, effects dad is a type of Vascular Dementia. I had the opportunity to speak with a neurologist who had done an MRI on dad. He explained that the scans revealed evidence of many small strokes. This, coupled with his coronary disease and other risk factors, had ultimately led to his present condition. However, in our day when medical science can ‘fix’ many things, dementia is not one of them.

Back Story

Without going into a detailed, biographical sketch, I’d like to share a bit about events that have led us to this place. As I stated above, dad was predisposed to this condition. Eventually, it was destined to overtake him. But, I believe, there were life events that occurred which caused the disease to grow and flourish. This process has not been proven clinically. It is simply the fruit of my observations.

My parents were married a long time. 62 years. My mom was dad’s life. He adored her. He was the faithful vassal to his Queen. When she became ill, he doted on her. You could not find a more devoted care giver. Ultimately, though, she became too frail for him. We had to find a place where she could receive the skilled treatment and watchful attendance that she required. While this was a difficult adjustment for dad, he adapted. He spent every available moment with her. He sat at her bedside. When she was able, he would take her for rides in the car. His life and hers developed a kind of symbiosis. Maybe, that’s what the Scripture meant when the writer inscribed the words, “and they shall become one flesh.”

In 2010 mom passed. Her weak body, wracked by many infirmities, simply could not carry the life within her any longer. For dad…he lost his Beloved. Many prayers and hugs and tears were shared in those days. Dad slipped into a deep depression that lasted for months. We took him to counselors. His doctor prescribed anti-depressants. We spent more time with him, trying to console him. No, to distract him. But, the only thing that we witnessed was the dementia driving an ever increasing distance between him and reality.

End Game

Within one year the dementia became problematic. Dad’s memory was failing rapidly. He started to forget to take his meds. He would forget to eat. The fragments of memory that he could retrieve became more disjointed and confused. We were able to get the V.A. to provide some in-home care. My brother and I began to go over daily to see that he ate and took his medication. But, even these efforts could not impede the relentless progress of the dementia. Like a tsunami it pushed further and further, drowning and destroying the person that was our dad.

Ultimately, we had to acquiesce and make arrangements for him to live in a skilled nursing facility. As much as we would like, we simply cannot care for all of his needs. We enlisted a local hospice to oversee his medical needs. We had to face the realization that his sojourn would soon be over.

Blessing in Disguise?

A few days ago I was with dad. In the midst of his semi-coherent ramblings, I noticed he made several references to mom as if she was alive. She was just in another room somewhere. At first I was sad that he was becoming so confused. I was angry that he had been reduced to living in such a broken and fragmented world. One of the hospice nurses had explained to me that people with this condition try to access any pieces of memory, no matter how small or disconnected, in order to make sense of their world. Dad was finding the memories that made his world acceptable. Perhaps, in the small room that is his world, he built a place of solace. His sadness and depression have passed. In this world he has as many experiences available to him as a kaleidoscope has shapes and colors. His broken mind randomly juxtaposes the fragments of his memories to create a world, while unreal to us, is very real to him. In this world he has peace. In this world the pain and loss are whisked away. In this world, his Beloved is just in the next room.

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Our Common Human Frailty

This is not the post that I have been planning to write. That one is going to take another couple of days to prepare. But, I’m really having a difficult and emotional moment right now. You see, my dad is getting up in years. He’s 84. That’s ok, I guess. But the real issue is the dementia that has robbed him of his life. I just came from the rehab center that is his current home. He had surgery to remove his gall bladder a couple weeks ago and has not been able to return to his ‘normal life.’ I understand that dementia redefines ‘normal.’ But, I was totally unprepared for what I saw today. I will not go into details, but suffice to say that the light…no, the fire in dad’s eyes has been extinguished. I remember playing tennis with him way back in the day. He never had mercy on me, even though I was some 26 years his junior. He wanted me to learn! Today I looked into his eyes and saw…well…nothing. They are pale blue and lifeless. He even told the nurse present that his wife was gone and I am gone. He knows. The time for exiting this life is ever so near. I am preparing a eulogy. I think that God the Holy Spirit know that Bill’s life is nearing its culmination. I pray that I can do justice to the life of this man. Formed in his mother’s womb, grown up in the sight of Yahweh, and passing in the grace of God through Yeshua Ha Mashiach.

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1984 was a very, er, Interesting Year

I’ve got some kind of virus right now. It’s kicking my butt. So, I really am trying to take it easy. But, I was checking some of the posts out there in the blogoshpere and came by one by James F. McGrath. The only reason it jumped out at me is that I am currently reading 1984 by George Orwell. (For the first time. Ok, I’m a little behind, let it go.) Most of the time when I read fiction I find myself transported into the world that the author has created. For C.S. Lewis I find myself in Perelandra, Malacandra or Narnia. Tolkein takes me to Middle Earth. With Orwell, I find myself in Oceania. However, McGrath makes the point that “Orwell has written a book that seems like it ought to change the world.” This I find interesting. More than making a political statement, he was making a critique of society and culture at a very basic level. Classism, racism and any other social construct came under his scrutiny. I appreciate McGrath’s insight on this. I may have to re-read the book with my own worldview placed under the microscope.

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Thoughts…

Humanity marches ever onward.
Tho there are no more lands to conquer,
No people to displace,
No new territories to plant our banners,
No fauna to drive to extinction,
No minerals to exploit and deplete,
No place left to spread our disease.
Gone, the proud people of the Land,

Gone, the free Range,
Gone, the mighty Bison stampeding o’er the plain,
Gone, the trees and woodland creatures,
Gone, the innocence of this place.
O, virgin continent!
Lost to the ravishing of the rapist who overpowered you
And took Your virginity.
Exploited for a moment’s gratification…
Left lying in your own blood.

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