Category: Relationships

Relationships…What if?

Published by mhelbert on September 10, 2013

I started to write this post a few days after we buried Dad. It’s taken a little longer to write than I had originally thought.

I’ve just gone back to work after Dad’s passing. I have mixed feelings about going back. Part of me really would like to take a few more days to recover from the emotional stress of watching Dad during his final hours. Lack of sleep and good nutrition has left me physically drained. Another part of me feels the need to get back in the saddle. Work can be a good diversion, focusing the mind on tasks other than funerals and mourning.
The outpouring of support from extended family and friends has been amazing. I’m not sure that I would be of much use to anyone if not for their encouragement and presence. Yeah, I still like books, but all of these people made the last week not only bearable, but in many ways, pleasant. What can I say? We’re all connected in some way. There is something more than just our common humanity at play here. We all share in the brevity and frailty of life. Love given and received binds us with others as we form communities.
But, there is something more. The connection between us as humans is vast and wide. Why would a person in one part of the world care about the needs of someone 14,000 miles away on the other side of the world? Especially, when that one person has more than enough cares and troubles of her or his own? How can I travel to another culture, not knowing the language, and actually communicate with someone? Perhaps, there is an affinity between us because we are the same species. You know, ‘birds of a feather.’ That could be part of it, I suppose. However, those birds simply flock together. They don’t go out of their way to care for the needs of others. Some birds don’t even care for their own young! No, I don’t see that being the common thread that binds us. I think that there is something other than our physical reality at play here.
What that something is has been speculated about ever since humans began to think. (Although, there are some folks today that I wonder about.) I’m not going to join in that philosophical discussion. I’m woefully under qualified for that.
However, I might speculate on something else… relationship. What if that common characteristic is buried deep within humanity? And, what if it is empowered by an outside source? (I’m just musing.) Could it be that what we call God, or Creator, or any number of names is responsible for touching each of us? Perhaps there is a relationship between this God and the Good Creation that acts as a catalyst causing humans to care. Not only caring for other humans, but for the Good Creation as well. That would explain why there are organizations such as Green Peace and Doctors Without Borders. There are thousands of shelters for battered and beaten people. Environmental and human rights organizations flourish. All of this in a world that seems bent on self destruction. Why? I have no pat answer. Nor, does anyone else.
Maybe, the relationship between the Creator and the Good Creation has been damaged. This has been the position of the Christian Church. They accept that sometime in the distant past, between 6 & 10 thousand years ago, God created all things and declared them ‘good.’ The entire created universe was pristine, if not ‘perfect.’ Humankind was innocent and enjoyed relationships with God and the creation. However, these humans were somehow enticed to disobey God and suffered a ‘fall’ of some sort that affected all of creation. The good relationships with God and the cosmos were damaged. Yet, there was still something within them, a broken shard of God’s image that continued to allow some people to do good things. This idea was first articulated by Augustine of Hippo in the late 4th to early 5th centuries. Personally, I don’t agree with him about the ‘fall.’ But, more on that at another time.
What if, about 14 billion years ago, the known universe erupted and began to form into the wondrous environment that we now live in? Then, somewhere around 4.5 billion years ago this system of planets and asteroids and other matter began to form around a larger mass that became our Sun. Over time changes occurred due to any number of causes and effects. On the third rock from this sun these changes caused organisms to develop that contained within them the potential for what we call ‘life.’ Eventually, millions more years passed until a certain small segment of these organisms developed and matured until humanity emerged…upright and aware of itself within this Great and Good Creation. Now, I hear the voices saying, “Whoa! Where is God in this? Isn’t this just a rehash of some Darwinian theory?” Well, yeah it is…kind of. But, what if God has been a part of this entire process? Perhaps not in an entirely active way. Nor, as the deists would say, as a passive observer. Maybe, God breathed God’s life into that original bit of matter and imbued it with God’s own presence. I’m not going to go into panentheism. I don’t think that the universe is part of God nor that the universe is synonymous with God. I’m saying that, perhaps, God is the One who animated and gave ‘life’ to the process. That God has carefully watched over the cosmos, not as an ‘intelligent designer,’ but as a caring and loving parent who knew and trusted that things would develop a certain way.
In the beginning, the breath of God…Ruach Elohim, who hovered over the formless void…was God the Spirit. The Word of God, spoken, brought order out of chaos. God, present from the beginning, shared part of God’s self with what became the Cosmos. Humans, aware of time, space and self also had the capacity to ‘know’ God. Far from being a separate entity at the top of some cosmic hierarchy, humans have derived their essence from that which erupted all those billions of years earlier. We are ‘part and parcel’ with all of the Good Creation. Relationships…they are built into us…from the beginning.

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What’s in a Legacy, Anyway?

Published by mhelbert on September 4, 2013

I’ve spent the last two weeks mindlessly wandering. I can’t seem to put one cogent thought with another. I don’t know if this is a normal step in the mourning process. Perhaps, the incredible number of tasks that must be done after the death of a loved one is simply overwhelming me. After all, my brother and I have been left with the responsibility of disposing of my parents’ property and liabilities. We’re kinda new at this. We are listing their condo for sale. It’s not expected to sell for much. Hopefully, we’ll be able to get enough to cover what is still owed on it. There are outstanding medical bills that need to be paid. And, we still have a lot of ‘stuff’…furniture, odds-n-ends, and papers…lots of papers to deal with.

What we’re finding is that my parents had very little in the way of a material legacy. They did not prepare for a secure financial future. And, they certainly didn’t spend time thinking about what they were going to pass on to the next generations. They lived for the present. Some might say they lived ‘in the moment.’ Theirs was a relationship that was devoted to enjoying life with one another. I remember Mom saying that she had some regrets that they had not given more thought to their legacy. She would have liked to leave something more materially substantial. But, by that time it was really too late to begin preparations for that. The best that they could do was to ensure that my brother and I simply split whatever property and assets they had.

My question, is this a bad thing? Should children expect their parents to take care so that there is something to leave as a material legacy? My parents lived for each other and their family. They gave a lot to us while they lived. Not ‘stuff,’ but love and care. They modeled devotion through their relationship. My dad, if nothing else, was loyal to his wife and to us. No, they did not show us how to accumulate things. They certainly did not instruct us in how to stay out of debt and to be ‘fiscally responsible.’ Saving money or spending it on large insurance policies didn’t seem to be a high priority for them. Dad once told me that he and mom made a lot of money…and, they spent a lot of money. For them it was more important to use what they earned to enjoy life.

Yes, I’m losing sleep and focus with all that needs to be done in order to settle my parents’ obligations. And, yes, there won’t be much left when the task in finished. But, maybe…just maybe…there really is more to leaving a legacy than leaving a lot of pictures of a green guy named George lying around.

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When the Magic Happens

Published by mhelbert on August 13, 2013

Alone. I like to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone in a world created by my imagination. Alone with stories imagined and captured by countless others. People have recognized this and, understandably, have called me a ‘loner.’ Then, of course, they feel it their duty to invade my privacy. “It’s not right for you to be alone. Get out and meet people! Socialize! Enjoy life!” (As if it’s not possible to actually enjoy the quiet solace of solitude!)

There are times, however, when folks gather together for a common cause…and magic happens. This is the point where some people would provide a litany of group activities that are worthwhile. These would range from the marches in Selma in the 1960s to those who challenged tyranny and oppression in Tienanmen Square in 1989. They would add events in life where more than one is necessary…marriage or a soccer match.

Those who know me know that I am a musician. I’ve made music for more than 40 years. In fact, it’s when I am creating music that I find myself closest to myself and to God. I find enjoyment when I am sitting in my room, alone with my guitar, simply noodling about. There is something about closing my eyes and feeling the strings under my fingers that soothes. It can create a moment of total mindfulness. I am aware of the sound; the touch; my breath. Awareness fills my senses and I am carried away on the wings of the moment.

I have played with other musicians and singers. While, for me, being with other people is not necessarily the most comfortable experience, it is still an opportunity to experience the magic. There is something in the struggle with others to create art that adds life. Just as a butterfly struggles to free herself from her cocoon, music that struggles for its freedom can then spread its wings and fly. The band may be enriched by the experience. However, the real magic happens when the newly freed music touches the souls of the listeners.

Today, my dear friend sent me something that exemplifies how people gathered together create a magical moment that far exceeds any solo effort. She sent me a video of a song. She had introduced me this particular song a few months ago performed solo. I’m sure that some of you have heard of ‘The Cup Song’ from the movie Pitch Perfect. It’s a cute ditty where a girl sings a song at an audition using only a cup for accompaniment. When I saw it, I was intrigued by the imagination of the writer and producer. They had taken something exceptionally simple and presented it with a creative twist. And, there was magic. In the video I viewed today, the song was reimagined for quartet. There was magic four-fold! The addition of harmony, rather than cluttering, added new layers of color and texture that makes the song compelling. More than that, however, I saw people who were interrelated. They had worked and struggled to produce something together that was impossible for one person. In collaborating they created a ‘community’ gathered to enjoy the moment and each other. In the process…magic!

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I Am a Rock

Published by mhelbert on August 12, 2013

One of my favorite songs of all time is “I Am a Rock,” by Simon & Garfunkel. When I hear it, I hear a description of me.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve always envied people who, at least from my perspective, seem to have no trouble opening up to others. They have many friends and enjoy spending time with them. I am not one of them. Yeah, I have several people whom I like and get along with. We socialize and sometimes work together. But, they are not folks with whom I share myself. I’ve built walls, a fortress deep and mighty.

Over the years there have been a few people that I have let in. I’ve escorted them inside of my fortress and showed them the tapestries and paintings on the walls. I’ve opened the secret cabinets holding the silver plates and gold-rimmed chalices that I keep there. I have exposed my heart to these. But, like my cat who is socially handicapped, I don’t know when to close doors. In my exuberance to be accepted I hold nothing back. Soon, I find that my exposure is too costly. Either my emotional offering is not returned or, like Hezekiah who revealed his entire treasure to the Babylonian delegation, I find my treasure plundered and carried off.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

One would think that I would remember this. But, emotions tend to awaken. They open one eye and gaze about. If that eye spies something interesting, suddenly they become alert and search for ways to sate their desire to share themselves. You see, emotions must be shared. They cannot exist in a vacuum. While one may experience them in private, there is always some object that they are attached to outside of themselves. Taking on a life of their own, the emotions push all other considerations out of the way and present themselves with all of the false modesty and flattery they can muster. After all, one must offer oneself as perfect so that the other person will be impressed. There cannot be any warts or blemishes showing. We cannot risk rejection. Once disturbed from slumber, however, the inevitable journey toward tears begins.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve written in other places that most of the time I find the company of books preferable to that of people. Books offer refuge. They are worlds in which emotions can live safely. I can wake them and let them out for a little fresh air and sunshine. They really don’t seem to care that books are not reality. They see relationships and trees and flowers and butterflies. They are given a safe environment where they can laugh and cry. And, no one gets hurt.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

“I Am a Rock” lyrics: Copyright: Paul Simon Music, Eclectic Music. http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simongarfunkel/iamarock.html Accessed: 8/12/2013.

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Who Knows the Wind…

Published by mhelbert on August 6, 2013

“The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear the sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.”

Yesterday, I met with my spiritual director. We get together about once a month and talk. When I first started to meet with him, I voiced a great deal of frustration about where my life had been and where it appeared to be going. I did not see a great deal of God “working” in my life. I had completed seminary and felt that God would somehow open opportunities for me use that education. The months passed, and…nothing. Well, not entirely nothing. I had a heart attack. But, that’s a different chapter in this story. When I shared my feelings with my director, he listened carefully. (I appreciate that in people.) He did not offer answers.

“Sometimes we don’t see what God is doing unless we look back,” was the gist of his response at that time. By this he meant that transformation and maturity usually happens in bits and pieces over time. In our busy-ness we don’t see this happening. We are not ‘mindful’ or present to the way that the Holy Spirit encourages us and draws us ever nearer to the heart of God. “The wind blows wherever it pleases.”

I’ve begun to take his advice and have been reflecting on some things recently. I guess that’s what old, feeble people do. We look back over our lives, the decisions we’ve made, the people we’ve known and loved, (and some we haven’t loved too much!), and consider the legacy we’re leaving. Much of that reflection for me has revealed a long track filled with many train wrecks. Don’t get me wrong, there has been much joy in my life. But, for me, personally it’s been difficult.

I began to realize that not all of who we are as people is revealed in what are referred to as ‘outward’ attributes. Things like relationships, financial stability, jobs and the like. Perhaps, the greatest light shines on our ‘inner’ selves. These are the things that can drive our outward responses and actions. An example would be the frustration and anger that rise to our middle finger as that other idiot on the road cuts us off. I started to look inwardly, into my heart, to see what was there. What I found has encouraged me.

Over the past half dozen years, or so, there has been a growing compassion and empathy for others. Especially, for those who are not like me. Many evangelical churches encourage their members to make ‘unsaved’ friends. The reason for that is so that they can cultivate relationships that would enable them to share their message and, hopefully, get that person ‘saved.’ Well, I’ve found that I have more friends and people I communicate with who would not fit into that ‘born again’ demographic. And, I like them. They are wonderful people who care about others. They laugh and share and enjoy life. I have no intention of ‘preaching’ to any of them. I am, and have, been ready to share my experience with God when the subject comes up. But, there is no pressure on them or me for anything more than simply being together. I’ve found that I can empathize with them. My heart fills with compassion as I listen to them. And, I have the freedom to just be with them. No agenda or ulterior motivation. We are fellow humans, spinning through God’s Good Universe on a big rock. It is good.

Ten years ago, the story would have been much different. I was much less tolerant of others’ differences. I accepted a ‘black and white’ reality that had no room in it for the rainbow of God’s grace. I was angry and my life was a mess. But, God has been faithful and good. In my reflections I see hope. Hope that somehow our good God will continue to walk at my side, guiding me ever-so-gently, into a closer relationship with God and all of God’s Good Creation. “You hear the sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.”

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Therefore, What God has Joined Together…Sometimes Gets Broken

Published by mhelbert on August 2, 2013

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” These words written by the apostle Paul to the folks who followed Jesus in Rome are included in his description of what a community of people who are being transformed from those who live according to the rules of human culture into a spiritual community. These people, he stated, were in actuality part of a single ‘body.’ They were a unified whole in which each part was dependent on the others for their very existence. This is a way of viewing our interdependence with others that has, for the most part, been lost to Western culture. It has been also lost in the one place that one would expect to find it…the Church.

We followers of Jesus have been known for a long time as one of the few groups who shoot their own wounded. When life gets tough and some of us struggle to move, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, we often accuse, shame, and shun that person. I’ve seen this happen in others. And, I’ve experienced it personally.

Please understand that my intention is not to bash anyone. I know these people. I have been these people. They have good hearts and desire more than anything to serve God. But, we all get caught up in a righteous fervor from time-to-time that makes it difficult to get past the letter of the law to the graciousness that God has exampled for us in Jesus.

With that being said, I am going to turn my attention to divorce. I am not going to quote statistics other than to mention that the divorce rate among people who follow Jesus is pretty much the same as those who do not. Some say that anywhere from one third to one half of all marriages end in divorce. Whatever polls are used, that adds up to a lot of hurting people.

How should we respond to this? Should we follow the letter of the Scriptural prescription? Jesus made it very clear that divorce was not God’s intention for people. He is recorded as saying, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” There’s nothing ambiguous about that statement. Divorce is not an option that God desires. Many people in the church read this statement written by Matthew and conclude that divorce is therefore a sin. God said it. I believe it. That settles it. But, what does that look like in real life?

I had a friend many years ago who was in an abusive marriage. At times she feared for her safety. She and her husband went to church leaders for help. Much of what they received in counsel was that the husband needed to learn to love her sacrificially, just as Jesus loves the church. And, the wife had to submit to her husband no matter what. That meant that she was told to stay with him, abuse or no. At one time she became so afraid that she left to find a safe place to stay. She was commanded by the church leaders to return to her husband. Confused, hurt, and shamed she acquiesced and like a good little wife, went back.

After time, however, the fear and tension in that home became too much to bear. She moved out and began divorce proceedings. Shortly after this she received a letter from the church leadership stating that if she and her husband moved forward with a divorce they would be considered to be actively sinning and would no longer be welcome in the church. They did divorce and are now both remarried and seem to be doing very well.

The reason that I used this example is to demonstrate, what I feel, is a pastoral fail. Again, I don’t intend this to be a personal attack on any particular group of people. This kind of Biblicist action takes place in many churches. The thought being that if Jesus has apparently condemned some action or behavior, we must condemn it, also. After all, the Bible is God’s word and we don’t want to go against that.

Ok, well, let’s take a look at how Jesus handled a situation where the letter of the law, God’s word, was called as a witness. In the Gospel according to John there is a story about a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. A group of religious leaders dragged her before Jesus and explained, rightly, that the law demanded that she be stoned to death. After all, Torah was God’s word. Jesus realized that. At no point did he deny that Moses had written that adultery was a capital offense. He could have simply agreed with those men and righteously condemned the woman. But, he did not do that. Instead, he turned the issue into an opportunity to show all of the people that we are all fallible and subject to error. In essence he said, “Let the person who is without sin throw the first stone.” No one came forward. In fact, all of the accusers turned and walked away. In the end, no one was left to condemn her. Jesus, then, said, “I do not condemn you either.” He sent her on her way with an encouragement to stop sinning.

Jesus did not do away with the law. He set it aside in order to pour out compassion on a hurt and confused woman. He reinterpreted the text in the context of real life with real people who have real needs. Yes, the Bible is clear on Jesus’ feelings about divorce. We, however, need to recognize that what Jesus said is an ideal. How we apply that must be tempered with compassion. One commentator wrote, “Only an unjustifiable Biblicism will force the idealism of New Testament ethics in a cruel and heartless manner by an adamant insistence upon the teaching of this passage, (Mat.19:3-12), as merely a collection of detailed laws.”

Whatever position on divorce someone takes, we as people who desire to follow Jesus must look closely at the things that Jesus did, not just the words that he spoke. As the quote at the beginning of this post states, we must show empathy, not judgment when our sisters and brothers are hurting. We are, after all, sewn together in a glorious tapestry of humanity. Each joined to the other in the love of God through Jesus.

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Relationships can be Messy

Published by mhelbert on July 30, 2013

Relationships are stressful. Yeah, Hollywood makes them look all nice and pretty. Two people who are attracted to one another, walking hand in hand along the beach toward the setting sun to live happily ever after. Umm…not in this lifetime. The reality is relationships are messy and complex.

Two people sitting at a table in some bar or café see each other and smile. There’s a song playing that both of them like and they mouth the words together. One of them gets up and introductions are made. Close up, they look into one another’s eyes and a kind smile reinforces the feelings that are growing in intensity. Small chit chat. Maybe a drink or latte. An exchange of contact information. What really seals the deal, however, is if I feel that this person really likes me! Being accepted by another person is the glue that binds the hearts together.

The new couple can’t wait to spend time together. There’s so much to learn about each other. Besides, there are those tingles! You know the ones. They make you giddy with expectation. When you hear her voice butterflies flit around somewhere deep inside. It’s exciting to explore someone’s life. Especially, this person who makes us feel sooo good. We get to know what they like and don’t like. What kinds of foods are good. Music, clothes, theater…all reflecting the personality of that person who is becoming a significant part of our life. We ask each other about home and family. “Where were you born? Do you have any siblings?” We want to know as much about this person as we possibly can. Why? Because we’re genuinely interested. And, we really want them to know that we are interested!

As time goes on, though, some folks find that something’s not quite right. The mutual admiration society that was shared at the beginning becomes a tad deflated. The spots of dirt begin to appear. Disagreements arise over things that at one time enamored us. You know, that quirky little laugh of hers? It grates on us now. She used to love it when you touched her. Now, you feel her tense up and pull away. We begin to feel that we give more than we receive. (At least in our own mind.) Finances become a contentious topic. She actually wants to know your credit rating! Dirty dishes and laundry create frustration and anger. The other person never seems to be ready on time. The bedroom becomes a desert where only a few scorpions and cacti live. Messy.

As stress builds, so does anxiety and fear. Anxiety over the possibility of the relationship’s failure. Fear over being stuck in a bad relationship…for-freakin’-ever! This is when that part of our brain called the amygdala kicks into high gear. The amygdala is an ancient part of the brain that many believe “processes information regarding threats and fear.” It is important in the ‘fight, flee, or freeze’ reaction we experience when some threat or stress is present. (Brian McClaren notes that some experts add a fourth ‘f’ to the list. For them the list is ‘fight, flee, freeze, or…copulate.’) It is here that some relationships are pushed to the breaking point.

What started out so fresh and exciting has become a source of pain and struggle. Acceptance and affirmation have long since gone the way of the dinosaur. Rejection and dismissal have taken their place. In a way, trust has been broken. Disappointment and disillusionment seem to fill every moment; every crack and crevice of our consciousness. Choices need to be made…and quickly.

If one person in the relationship does not share the frustrations of the other, she/he may be able to withstand the pressure and tough it out. However, that will not guarantee that the other person will. There is a chance that the more satisfied partner may encourage some kind of counseling or intervention. Reconciliation may be possible. (Calling in the outside cleaning service to help with the mess.) Even with these measures, there’s a good possibility that the relationship will end. We humans have proven ourselves quite ready and adept at breaking relationships. For many, however, this is the only viable option that can allow each individual to maintain their own integrity as a person. Both reconciliation and separation have their limitations. Neither is perfect.

Another possibility is to stay in the relationship even though there is no longer any real personal connection. This was once encouraged by some conservative religious leaders in cases where children were involved. One such leader stated that staying together for the sake of the children is the only correct and proper action to take. I disagree with him on many levels. Not the least of which is raising children in an unloving, adversarial environment cannot be good.

Still one more option is to start the process all over again…with someone else. This path is taken by those who are afraid to lose their current, seemingly, secure relationship. Or, they truly don’t want to hurt the other person. They feel, however, there is no other way to experience love and acceptance. This is how infidelity begins and lives are destroyed. This is McClaren’s fourth ‘f’. Yeah, there’s the hope of something fresh and new. Excitement over being accepted by another bubbles to the surface. The person may actually believe that the object of their affection feels the same toward them. But, this path goes nowhere. Eventually, the other person is not going to want to play the game and will demand that this new relationship move on to greater commitment. Out of the possibilities stated here, this is the most hurtful and destructive. In its wake are only anger, frustration and shame.

Why has God formed humans in such a way that we struggle with intimate, committed relationships? Why can’t it be easy? Honestly, I have no answer for these questions. And, spoiler alert, no one else does, either. If anyone says that they do they’re either deluded or lying.

There are some things to consider, though. Throughout history there have been conflicts. Two people, or two nations, become dissatisfied with their current relationship. Maybe there is some breach of treaty or other provocation. Some of these conflicts are large, like wars and ethnic violence. Some small, like fights and arguments on the playground. God has revealed God’s self as loving and caring…unconditionally. God displayed that love by wholly identifying with the Good Creation, including humanity, through the life, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus. Selflessness. In our messy relationships we have the opportunity to emulate God. The apostle Paul wrote to the folks living in Philippi,

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

We can share in the suffering of Jesus and offer our pride and our desires and, yes, ourselves to the person who has chosen us as a partner to walk through life with. Is this a guarantee that a relationship will be successful? No. In fact, I think that there are some relationships that should have never been established in the first place. These are very likely to fail no matter what the partners try. What this can do, however, is provide perspective for our desires. It can shift the focus away from what I want to what my partner wants. That may be the spark that keeps love’s light shining.

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Why Should We Even Care About Forgiveness?

Published by mhelbert on July 18, 2013

A few days ago I wrote about forgiveness. I have continued to reflect on this. And, like so many other things, the more I consider it I realize how much I neither know about it nor practice it. I have read about it. I have thought about it. I’ve spent hours praying about it. Why does it seem so elusive? Why is it so hard for one person to offer forgiveness to another? Why do we even care?

A lot of years ago I was in a band. Ok, so I’ve been involved with a lot of bands over the years. But, this one in particular was my baby. I had always been a sideman following someone else’s lead. Not so with this one. I worked hard at it. I had great guys playing with me. And, we sounded pretty good, if I do say so myself. After several months I was approached by one of the guys and another person who was kind of an associate with us. They had decided that they were going to leave and put together a project of their own…sans me. I pretty much saw this as a coup. I was devastated. I had poured myself into this band and these guys were dismissing my work and ripping my heart out. Immediate anger, hurt and a desire to reciprocate. I decided to shun them. (Oh, wow, that’ll show ‘em.) It didn’t take long for me to realize that they were doing quite well while I was steeped in anger and bitterness. Hmmm…this payback stuff wasn’t working so well. I shared all of this with a friend and we found that at the root of what I was experiencing was unforgiveness. Oh, Crap! I couldn’t even blame those other guys for what I was feeling! Eventually, I arranged a sit-down with them and we talked and I was able to forgive them. Freedom! The bitterness began to melt away. Over time, we were again able to work together and today one of them is one of my closest friends.

This episode in my life revealed to me that relationships that are meaningful and important are the ones that can cause the most pain. I really don’t care about mere acquaintances. These people can say and do things to me that don’t affect me. I can simply ignore them and they’ll go away. Truly meaningful relationships, on the other hand, have an element of trust built into them that can easily be bruised. Trust defines our vulnerability. It determines how much of our heart we will expose to another person. Deeper trust means that we will bleed more profusely if that trust is violated.

In my reflection, I’ve discovered that I am one of those people who can be hurt easily. Part of that is because I really, really don’t tolerate rejection well. (And I want to be a writer? Sheesh!) The larger reason, though, is that although I try to keep a façade in place to protect me, (one dear friend said that I should wear a sign that says, “Hides Behind Humor”!), I do let people affect me. I want to trust. I want to be trusted. While I hold on to my desire to trust others, I, myself, am wholly untrustworthy. I know that, because there are times when I allow a thoughtless word to escape from my mouth that crushes someone I love. I am untrustworthy because I do things that seem good to me, but are deeply hurtful breaches of trust for others. And, I lie. I say that I trust others, when deep inside I really don’t. Maybe, this self-revelation will help me to understand my need for forgiveness and my need to forgive others.

So, why should we care about forgiveness? Throughout the Hebrew Bible God’s followers wrote about the forgiveness of God. The Psalms and Prophets are full of examples of God’s character as One who is patient and quick to forgive. (e.g. Ps. 65:3 & 86:5, Jer. 31:34.) But, it took God’s actions to prove it. It’s recorded that Jesus prayed for those who had beaten and crucified him. “Father, forgive them…” And, the Father did. The Good Creation and all of humanity were freed that day. Freed from the anger of God and from the chains that bound creation with bitterness and unforgiveness. We were set free from the old ‘eye for eye, tooth for tooth’ system of retribution. We were set free to forgive. It doesn’t matter whether we are wronged through the careless uttering of a single word in a meeting, or one of the greatest breaches of trust. We have the freedom to choose to forgive.

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Forgiveness…For You and Me

Published by mhelbert on July 15, 2013

Forgiveness. That’s a strange word in today’s culture. I don’t think many of us really know what that word means. I’m sure we don’t understand the power that lies embedded within it. Someone hurts us and apologizes, “I’m sorry.” Our usual response is “That’s OK, no worries.” Is that offering forgiveness for the wrong? Or, is it simply a gloss that social convention has decided can amicably fix things? I think the latter is closer to the heart of things. And, I think it falls woefully short. Any discussion about relationships must necessarily take a trip through forgiveness.

There’s a story about a woman who was unfaithful to her husband. Apparently, she was caught doing the nasty with the other man. I don’t know who caught her. Maybe it was her husband. Maybe, it was a nosy neighbor. In any case, she was taken to the local assembly where she was accused of breaking their law. This all male council decided to use her as a test case for an upstart young teacher. “Let’s see what the hotshot new guy has to say.” So, they gathered her up in the best angry mob style they could muster and hurried her off to stand before the ‘judge.’

When they arrived, they pushed the woman to the front and brought their accusations. “This woman was caught in the act of adultery. Our law states that she must be put to death. What do you say?” The young man took this all very seriously. He stooped down and began to doodle in the dirt. The mob, growing impatient, continued to press for an answer. Finally, he stood and faced them. I think that he may have looked a tad exasperated with this group of men. “Ok…if there is anyone, anyone at all among you who has never fallen short. Who has never wronged another person. Who has never made a bad decision. Who has never…sinned. Let that person throw the first stone.” He then went back to his doodling. The story tells us that one by one, from the eldest to the youngest, each walked away. Finally, there was only the woman and the young teacher. The man stood and looked around. “Where’d everyone go? Isn’t there anyone left to accuse you?” “No sir,” she replied. “No one.” The young man responded to her, “Then neither do I. Go, now, and don’t do this thing anymore.”

The word ‘forgive’ is nowhere in this story. Some folks may even say that forgiveness isn’t even the main point. But, I see this brief account filled to overflowing with mercy and forgiveness. This woman had indeed broken the law. There were witnesses. She had incurred a debt that required her life to repay. The mob was ready to exact payment. I can’t even begin to imagine what was going through that woman’s mind. Panic? Anxiety? Remorse? I’m sure those and much more. “What would this young teacher say? After all, he is a man! Will he join these others to condemn me?”

The teacher’s response must have been puzzling to her as well as her accusers. Didn’t he know how grave this situation was? His nonchalant attitude was troubling. But, then he stood. He raised his voice so all could hear. And, in so many words, declared everyone guilty. Yet, he passed no judgment against them. He allowed their own consciences to do that. After the accuser left, he rose and again looked into the woman’s eyes. With compassion in his eyes and his voice, he spoke and refused to make her to pay her debt.

The language of the Bible allows us to understand forgiveness as setting aside or dismissing a debt. That’s why the Pater Noster in Matthew is translated “Forgive our debts even as we have forgiven the debts of others.” In this story Jesus, the young teacher, dismissed the woman’s debt. She was no longer liable for it. We are not told anything else about this person or those who accused her. Did she go home to her husband? Did he take her back? What of that mob? We simply don’t know. That’s what makes this a great story. We are allowed to imagine all the many possibilities and outcomes. One thing that I’m pretty sure of, that woman, who had been forgiven much, most likely had her heart enlarged and learned to love much. I can see her telling her friends at the well how that young teacher had poured out compassion on her. She, now, would be able to pour out compassion on others. That, I think, is the point of forgiveness. It frees the one forgiven to forgive others…including themselves.

How have you experience forgiveness from others? From God? From your own self?

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Let’s Walk Together

Published by mhelbert on July 12, 2013

With your indulgence, I’m going to continue writing about these messy things called relationships. I’ve already written about how I’m pretty good at screwing them up. Yeah, I don’t play well with the other children. Also, there is the fear that leads to shame. I want to play with you….No, I don’t….Yes, I do….No, I don’t, (cue Dr. Doolittle, the animal whisperer).

Today, I’d like to walk awhile with woundedness and broken trust. I think that these two things are not only closely related, but may be at the root of broken relationships.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a low threshold for being unaccepted. Actually, if someone looks at me the wrong way my brain sees that and interprets it as a personal attack. I remember a man that I used to meet with fairly regularly. We’d talk about life and family and relationships. He used to like giving me advice on these things. (Meddle is a better word.) One time he told me that he could tell when he had gotten too close and I was about to close down. He could see it on my face. (Funny how our thoughts, those quiet little neuron firings deep in the recesses of our mind, can sneak out and play with us physically.) He was right, of course. As far as I was concerned the topic was now out of play. A foul had been committed and I was walking off the field.

Many of us use speech to figure out what we think and believe. By that I mean, we process our thoughts out loud. This can be a dangerous practice for those of us who are easily hurt. Several years ago I was reflecting on some matter of religion. I don’t remember what that was exactly. I was speaking with another person, trying to make sense of the topic in my own mind. Soon the other person said, “I get really offended when you talk like that.” Uh, What? That person had just established an ‘unsafe zone.’ This was now a place where I could not be open and share my thoughts or feelings. Here I am, bleeding again.

The results of these interactions were small, but significant, wounds. These were no longer ‘safe places’ for me. Safety is necessary for trust to grow. If we perceive that a person is no longer providing a safe environment, trust cannot exist.

I wrote a couple of days ago that God desires humans to live with others and the Good Creation in community. Maybe, then, God has also built into the system a way to maintain our relationships.

I have been fortunate in the last year and a half to have hooked up with a Spiritual Director. This is a person who is not a counselor, but someone who ‘walks alongside’ me on this journey with God. One of the tools that he has brought with us on the path we share is something developed by Ignatius of Loyola in the mid-sixteenth century. Ignatius developed “Spiritual Exercises” that have been used through the years to assist people to experience a closer relationship with the Divine. A recent lesson has opened a discussion on woundedness. This particular lesson discussed the wounds that Jesus received at the hands of the Roman soldiers who crucified him. Of special interest to me was the observation that Jesus’ wounds were still visible after he returned to the land of the living. The writer of the lesson shared, “Jesus rose with his wounds still in his hands and feet and side. His wounds do not humiliate him but give God a chance to show the divine power. So can yours.” (Italics mine.) Ok, how? Wouldn’t it have been a better show if Jesus had received a ‘glorified’ body that was strong and without mark or blemish? No, I don’t think so. Here’s why. The lesson continued, “Jesus kept his wounds in his risen body as a means of consoling his friends. Whenever one Christian lovingly lets another know his or her woundedness, the Holy Spirit consoles them both.” In experiencing woundedness, God, through Jesus, was enabled to identify with God’s Good Creation in a way that had not been possible before. In a way, Creator shared in our suffering. I believe that, because of this, we, too, are empowered by God to share the suffering of one another. Does that mean all of my hurts and mistrusts are miraculously transformed into some kind of cosmic Neosporin? No. There are still walls that have deep pilings holding them in place. It does, however, allow me to understand that you…the one who hurt me…are also wounded. We share that part of the human condition. Together, maybe…I’m not sure, vulnerability can grow between us and we can begin to build that community of the walking wounded that God shares with us.

What do you think? Is it possible to live together as damaged people, sharing our woundedness?

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