January 21. I’m deep into S.A.D. season. You know the one. When happiness is as rare as the sunshine. I’m sitting at my desk with my Happy Light on trying to generate a morsel of vitamin D. It doesn’t seem to be all that effective. But what do I know? I’m just a feeble, old fart.
At my age I should be enjoying life. I suppose that I do. I love my wife. I tolerate my kids. 😊I have change in my pocket and 70 year old health in my bones. All good things. At least that’s what people tell me.
Brain chemistry doesn’t care about those things. It’s an animal of its own. Adding hormones and blocking others at will. It was written long ago, “Who can know the human heart?” I ask, “who can know the human mind?” It’s dark crevasses and recesses hide it. Medical science purports to know a bit about it. Yet, they are out of their depth. Trying to explain the unexplainable with their notions and potions.
Some people claim that I shouldn’t be like this. After all I follow Messiah Jesus and have God’s Holy Spirit dwelling within. “Physician, heal thyself!” One so-called pastor once told me that depression is nothing more than a grave with the ends kicked out. The implication being that all I had to do was climb out and all would be well. What arrogance and ignorance! How many have been traumatized by such idiocy? One is too many. But there are many more than that. I can assure you.
This is part of the Human Condition. It’ part and parcel of our identity as thinking primates. Offering simple platitudes and uninformed opinions doesn’t help. Not a bit.
I can say that in all of this, I’m not lost. It’s part of my life. I’ve dealt with this for my entire life. A brain that simply won’t let me rest. A mind continually churning and foaming like rapids descending from some unseen height.
The reason that I share this, as I have at other times, is to assure those who share this present darkness that it’s ok to feel this way. We tell ourselves that we should be happy. We have no reason to be consumed by our own minds in the darkness. “Turn on the Light, O Sleeper!”
That’s not how the Human Condition works. It IS reality! Not some aberration or ‘feeling’ that we can simply turn the dial down on.
It’s ok to feel like this. It’s ok to not be all together. It’s ok to share how you feel and to receive strength from others. It’s ok to stay in bed today. Eventually the sun will come out. It always does. But today? It’s snowing and cold and dark. That’s ok. I can live with it.
For now.
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