Midnight.
Sleep eludes.
It runs and hides from the Maelstrom of my Mind
Menacing.
Thoughts.
Images.
Emotions.
Rushing, Churning.
“When will it stop?!”
Awake and restless.
Like a Horizontal Square Dance,
“Toss to the left; Turn to the right.
Sit up straight; Awake all Night.”
“Please, Yahweh, Let Sleep, Blessed Sleep
fall upon me.”
Yet, here I am still.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
“Please, help.”
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Last week I wrote that this year, 2020, is not going to be like most other years.
There are new things sitting on the horizon. If you squint just a little and tilt your head to the left a tad, you should be able to see them.
In just under three months I am going to enter the ranks of “Those Who You Used to Work.”
Aka: Retired.
I began working in the printing industry 49 years ago. For those keeping score, that’s a loonngg time ago. Little did I know then, as I cleaned spray powder off the ceiling and pipes, that I would spend my entire adult life helping to push paper through machines.
But, I have come from those first days of cleaning the overhead to sweeping floors and working in the warehouse, through helping on presses and nearly 45 years in prepress, to here today getting ready to say goodbye.
I have a lot of different feelings right now.
So much has happened during the last nearly half century. Most of it good. Some time spent in the valley. But, that’s the way life is, right?
There is so much that I would like to write about.
But, I am still processing some of this.
Yeah, I’ve been planning for this for quite a while.
That doesn’t change the feelings of anxiety and fear that lurk around the periphery of my heart and mind. It’s not until you etch the decision in stone that the reality of change begins to truly come into focus. As long as you’re talking about what’s coming it still has a fairy tale feel.
But, when you actually bite into the apple and feel the truth coursing through your veins, well, let’s just say that it’s different.
It’s real.
This is actually happening.
Yikes!
So, change is coming.
No stopping it.
We just try to not get squashed by it.
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First, I wish that you all will have a happy and prosperous New Year in 2020. The ball dropped. The old is past. Hope looks ahead.
Many of us look to this date as a resetting of the clock. We are full of optimism and hope for fresh changes in the twelve months that lie ahead. Resolutions for personal improvement and growth are made once the effects of last night wear off. (Hint: Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate!)
Then, by February the resolutions are largely forgotten and we get on with life as usual. In my entire life I only made one resolution that I successfully implemented. That was to never make a New Year’s resolution. I have kept that one.
I am not going to have the luxury of allowing life to simply carry on as usual this year. There are changes coming that will upend the routines that I’ve spent nearly 50 years building and reinforcing. They say that time waits for no one. This year is proof of that.
And, I have to admit to no small amount of fear and uncertainty. Any changes that come our way cause anxiety. Major life events, no matter how well prepared for, bring that anxiety on steroids.
I remember how my wife and I walked into marriage 43 years ago. Yeah, there was great joy and celebration. But, our lives were changed that day. We looked forward to our life together with optimism and fear. A strange emotional cocktail. We drank it, however, and for better or worse we have muddled our way through.
We looked forward with happy expectation as our children entered the world and joined us on this journey.
Again, though, worries and anxiety came to the party.
How would we be as parents?
Concerns about finances, health, housing, education, etc., etc., etc. clouded our minds every day.
Life as we knew it had changed forever.
We watched as our own parents aged and walked on from this life.
Our friends and siblings grew up and apart over the years.
People change.
That’s part of the journey, isn’t it?
And, still we trek on. Putting one foot in front of the other.
In the midst of, or perhaps, in spite of the anxiety.
The alternative is to stop walking.
The result of that is to wake up on the wrong side of the grass.
All of that to say, 2020 will be a year of profound change for us.
And, yes, I am afraid of what lies ahead.
It is an unknown.
If thar be beasties out there, then we’ll meet them together.
Perhaps, though, there is a new world awaiting us with new joys and gifts and promises.
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Here we are, folks!
The holiday season is upon us.
Turkeys will be roasting.
Families and friends will gather for Feasting, Fun, and Fellowship.
Soon, the holiday lights and Christmas trees will appear in lawns and windows.
Cookies will be baked. (Some might even last long enough to be decorated!)
Carols and hymns will be sung.
Gifts will be exchanged.
Yippee!
Did I ever happen to tell you that I really, really hate this time of the year?
And, no, Hate is not too strong of a word.
I, and many, many others like me struggle every year at this time.
Anxiety keeps me awake at night.
I have to watch that anger doesn’t leak out and splash on everyone.
My wife asked what I hoped to see happen this holiday season.
I told her that I would really like to go to sleep on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and wake up on January 2.
Of course, that was blown off with a “Bah humbug” response.
But, for a lot of us, this season isn’t something that can be easily blown off with light platitudes. The anxiety is real. Many of us also struggle with S.A.D. every year. That just adds to the mess that our hearts and minds become.
We do try to put on our holiday game face. “Joy to the World” and all of that. My desire to hibernate through the season hasn’t worked yet. So, I must play the part as best as I can. Keep the peace and all of that.
I’m sure that I’ll get through this year, just like I have every other year. January will come eventually and I can get my life back a little.
But, when you see me, or anyone else like me who struggles with this season, please don’t tell us to just get over it. Don’t mumble something like “Bah humbug” that only adds shame to our already full plate.
Give us space.
We’ll get through this with or without your help.
We always do.
In fact, we don’t want your advice.
We’ve heard it.
At least, I know that I’m taking steps to work through this time.
So, thanks, but no thanks to the ‘helpful hints.’
Just try to understand a little.
Please.
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