Have you ever had one of those moments of clarity when suddenly, as if and epiphany, various and discordant seeming thoughts coalesce into a complete image?
No?
Nor have I.
But, this morning as I was quietly sitting in my office, dark except for the light of a few candles, I began to put some pieces together about who I am that I’ve only seen as disparate thoughts, now here; now gone.
I mentioned in some earlier posts that I’ve been doing some much needed introspection. It’s much needed because I think that over years and decades we become immune to the passions and voices that at one time helped to form us into the people that we now are. Some people refer to this as “adding baggage.”
So, I’ve been taking an inventory of sorts. I began to recall memories from as far back as I can. It seems that “helping” my dad build a fence when I was 4 yrs. old is one of the earliest.
Part of doing this kind of exercise is to look for patterns and triggers that may provide clues to why I am who I am today. It can be an interesting and fun endeavor, to be sure.
But, the overarching “Why?” for taking this path may be more problematic.
You see, it begins with the assumption that something Must Have Gone Wrong at some time. Because, I am obviously broken and in need of repair.
At least, that’s the impression that I’ve been given by people around me. Including, and especially, those closest to my heart.
So, the introspection became a forensic investigation. I was a sleuth looking for clues of a crime that I surely must have committed. Else, why am I like I am? If I had not done something wrong, taken a turn when I should have gone straight, then I would have turned out much differently. (re. ‘Better.’)
Well, I haven’t found anything that stands out.
I’m beginning to think that I never really did.
That fact has been the result of many different thoughts, feelings, and memories that I have sorted through. And, continue to sort.
I found that in this world that seems to be established as one where there are Round Holes and Square Holes, I’m a bit of a rhomboid.
I will obviously not fit into a Round Hole. I don’t care if it’s a circle, and egg, or an oval. My harsh, straight-line corners won’t allow that.
I won’t fit into a Square Hole, either. I don’t have the requisite right angled corners for that.
I am, what Lewis Black might say, “askeeeeewwwww.”
That’s all well and good.
It helps me reconcile myself to myself.”
“Hello, Mike? Meet Mike!”
Where the rub comes, though, is when others can’t seem to get past my Rhomboidishness. They think that in a world with only Round and Square Holes someone like me is an aberration. I MUST BE BROKEN!
So, they get out the saws and the sandpaper and go to work on fixing me.
They don’t realize that all they are doing is destroying who I truly am.
For most relationships, I can simply walk away. They don’t ‘get’ me, whatever that means. And, I really don’t have the time nor need to deal with them.
But, if you want to know me.
If you want to be with me.
If you want to Love me.
Well, be forewarned.
Because, if you think that you will ‘fix’ me, then we are headed for a relationship in which neither of us will be happy and both will be frustrated.
I wrote before that I must echo the wise words of the old sage, Popeye:
“I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”
I’m tired of trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own.
Selfish?
Ok, if that’s how you want to view it.
I, however, see it as Self-Preservation with a Hope to Flourish.
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