Category: Humanity

There’s Nothing Sweet About the Sorrow of Parting

Published by mhelbert on February 22, 2020

Juliet said to Romeo, “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”
Little did she know at the time what a great tragedy was in store for them both.

That phrase is still used today to convey hope that there will be a future return.
Those parted will one day find their paths converging in a joyful reunion.
Such is the hope, anyway.

I am finding no sweetness in the partings that lie before me.
I will be officially retiring from active employment at the end of March.
However, with cancer surgery looming large on the near horizon and at least a month of recovery time, I will be leaving my current workplace at the end of next week.

Five more workdays.
Two of those will be taken by tests for the upcoming surgery.
So, three days.

Three days to pack in almost 30 years of shared experience.

Yeah, it’s true that there are some that I work with who I will be glad to show my heels.
Not everyone gets along in any family. Right?

There are those who you know on sight, but need to check their shirt in order to remember their name.
“Hey! How ya doin’ uh, Mark?”
These are good folks, but nothing more than fellow grunts in the trenches.

The others, though.
The ones that you have laughed with over the years.
You shared in the joys of marriages and the birth of children.
They’re the ones that you would gladly take dinner to when they have need.
Friends with whom you shared their most deep and painful loss.
How do you say goodbye to these?
People who each own a piece of your heart?

I suppose that there are people who can go through their entire career and not forge bonds like these. For them, when it’s time to move on to the next phase of life they simply wave and they’re gone.

I’m not like that.
These are folks that I have spent the better share of 30 years with.
Folks that I have spent more waking hours with than my own family.
People who I love and care about deeply.

Sure, my company has graciously agreed to let me work from home for the few weeks between surgery and retirement. I am more than grateful to them for this.
So, in a way, these who are beloved will still be present with me.
But, what about their faces?
The laughter shared over a joke. Or, the eyes that suddenly open and shine with sudden understanding at the solution to a problem.
These things will be missing.
Then, when April showers come along, I will be gone.

Yeah, I know. There are ways to stay in touch. I can always go back for a visit.
Maybe, I’m just being overly emotional about this.

Sorry. I can’t help that right now.
I’m emotionally invested in these people.
Heartstrings are being pulled and stretched to the breaking point.

I hope that I can adequately thank these, my dearest friends and comrades, over the next few days.
I’m not sure that such gratitude can be expressed.
But, I’ll try.

I love you, guys.

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The Flesh Ain’t So Bad After All

Published by mhelbert on February 21, 2020

Chains come in many shapes and sizes. When I think of chains that bind my mind conjures an image of Jacob Marley confronting his old partner Ebenezer Scrooge. I’m sure that you remember that. Marley trudges up the stairs of Scrooge’s house. We here the Thump of his footfalls. There is the sound of metal dragging and clunking up the wooden steps. Marley enters the room completely bound in iron links with locks and iron boxes attached along the length of the chain.

The purpose of this blog is to look at the chains that we willing allow ourselves to be caught up in, and to get out the keys and the bolt cutters so that we can be freed from this burden.

So, I ask questions.
Most of the time I have no answers to those questions.
Just asking may be enough to remove a link or five.

One thing that I’ve questioned over many years is, “What is the flesh”?
For those of us who have our spiritual roots in the World of Evangelicalism, the answer is pretty clear.
The flesh in the New Testament refers to the sinful nature of all humans as a result of Adam and Eve disobeying God.
It is something that we are born with.
It is something that must be overcome and defeated.

In short, it is an evil stain on our humanity that is wholly corrupt.

As a result, there is nothing that humans can possibly do that will please God.
Only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ can we have any hope at all of putting our Flesh to death and becoming people pleasing to God.

Pretty cool, huh?

Now, there are some philosophical underpinnings to this idea. A thing called Neo-Platonism influenced theologians. In that philosophy the entire physical cosmos is corrupt. It doesn’t live up to some Ultimate Ideal that exists in some other reality.
(Don’t worry. I’m not gonna chase that rabbit.)

My question, though, is “Are they correct”?
Is the Flesh evil, or at least, contrary to God?

I want to say, No, it’s not.

In fact, I want to stand in direct opposition to that entire notion.

For those who want a pithy quote to hang on to,

“The Flesh Ain’t So Bad After All.”

What?!?!
I can hear all of my evangelical friends crying out, “Heretic! Fuel the Bonfire!”

Not so fast, my friends.
There may be more to this story than your leaders have figured out.

Perhaps the most important thing that I learned in seminary was that the Bible was NOT written to us. When those ancient people, living in ancient cultures, spoke and wrote those ancient words, they were not thinking, “Gee, I think I need to write something to those folks living in America 2,000 years from now.”
The trouble is, many people believe that they did.
They think that the words in Scripture can be cut from their original context and pasted into ours.
Wrong.
They can’t.

The current thoughts in evangelicalism about the language of “Flesh” is an example of that.

The Apostle Paul is the authority that most of these folks turn to. After all, he wrote more about the Flesh than any other New Testament writer.
They cite texts about how that works of the flesh produce death. The list of the so-called works of the flesh is given in a negative context to the so-called works of the spirit.
By the end of the day we are presented with a dichotomy or warring people parts.
Flesh Bad/Spirit Good!

The problem with this lies in our Western concept of humanity. The Ancient Greeks influenced not only our philosophy, but our theology as well.
They fired their best shot at understanding the relationship of Spirit and Flesh.
And, they missed the target entirely.

When Paul wrote about the flesh he was writing about one thing, and one thing only.
This skin tent that we all live in.

That’s it.
Period.

I don’t know about you. But, I don’t see anything moral or immoral about that.
It’s necessary for us.
Can’t live without it.
It holds our bones together and keeps our innards from spilling out on the floor.

So, why all the Bad Flesh language today?

The ancient Semitic view of a person was one in which we are all a complete and unified Soul. Body, spirit, the whole shebang is a singular and inseparable unit.

There is a difference between the parts. But, all are necessary for a person to be Whole.

I want to suggest that the difference lies, not in the Flesh alone, but in the appetites that we have and how we live with those.

I think that there is a sort of asceticism that Paul and the other writers encouraged. They seemed to desire that people learn how to discipline themselves, to control their appetites, in such a way that appetites did not control them.
In their view the flesh is not evil, but can get unruly. We can become enslaved to the instincts and desires of our physical body. These may then push us beyond our needs and into the realm of doing real harm to ourselves and others.

The early Church decided in their Councils that physical things are not evil. After all, God looked at creation and said that it was “Very Good.”
Jesus, the Son of God throughout all eternity, put on a “Tent of Flesh” and became human.
Just like you and me.

No, the whole idea that our flesh is somehow an evil that must be defeated is Wrong!
It is Deadly!
It needs to go away to the Pit where it belongs.

We are Human.
We are Worthy.

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More Letters To Julia – 2/20/2020

Published by mhelbert on February 20, 2020

Good Morning, Julia!
How are you doing? I hope all is well in sunny New Mexico!
It’s been pretty sunny here recently. But, bloody cold!

Anyway, I was debating whether or not to share this with you. It’s kinda dark. And, you know how we humans hate airing our own dirty laundry in public!
(But, we really like getting other folks’ nasty BVDs out there!)

This is especially difficult for me because I have a public image that may cause folks to think I’m some squeaky-clean holy guy who has his shit all together.
Yeah, really! Who? Me?

The truth is that I don’t.
I never have.
I’m as flawed as anyone else.
Probably more than most.

For a lot of years I hung out with someone who I thought was a good friend.
He used lots of different names.
“Jack,” “Tullamore Dew,” and my favorite, “Jameson.”

Of course, these are all whiskeys.
Whiskey…the Water of the Gods…they say.

And, I jumped right into that with both feet.
I think that I spent the better part of a decade, maybe more, doing my best to drown my head; my heart; my liver.
I didn’t worry too much about it, though.
I wasn’t what you’d call a ‘Mean Drunk.’
In fact, my mother once told me that I was more fun to be around when I’d had a few.

And, I probably was. I don’t know. I really don’t remember too much about that.

People say that drinking causes people to become different. That they change under the influence.
We really don’t.
What alcohol does is release the beasties that already live within.
They get to run around and play and cause all sorts of havoc.
But, they are what’s in our heart.
I did a lot of really, really stupid stuff when I drank.
Because, when allowed to run free, those things that live within are really, really stupid and self-destructive.
When people told me that I had a drinking problem I would tell them, “Not really. I drink. I get drunk. I fall asleep. See? No problem!”

But, it was a problem.
I’m very fortunate that I didn’t kill anyone when I got in my car to drive to the store for more.
I’m fortunate that I didn’t kill myself when I fell down stairs or passed out on the floor.
I’m really fortunate that I didn’t destroy every important relationship that I had.
That there were still people who, although stressed to the max, still stood with me during that time.

To them, “Sorry” doesn’t say enough.

But, I’ve been alcohol free for well over two years.
I have to thank my doc for helping me treat my Alcohol Use Disorder.
(Yeah, it’s a thing.)
It took a long time to Break those Chains that had me bound and sinking into the abyss.

I shared this, I think, because I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can Break the Chains that Bind.
Addictions are big, heavy links that are forged over time. Links are added every day that we live with them.
We don’t need to stay imprisoned, though.
Freedom is just one step away.

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It’s Grace…All The Way Down

Published by mhelbert on February 19, 2020

The name of this blog is “Breaking the Chains That Bind.”
I chose that name for a reason.
Many folks are bound up in all sorts of chains.
Chains of tradition, patriarchy, theology, and expectations are just a few.
I try to talk about these from time to time in order to, perhaps, open a small crack of hope for those people. Maybe, I can hand them a key that will unlock the chains.
Other times I pull out a blade that can cut through the chains as if they were made of silk thread.

Today I want to look at something that I find all too often.
It derives from an insidious lie that has been poured into people’s hearts and minds for way too long.

Here’s how it usually presents itself.

Person 1: Hey! How’s everything?
Person 2: Not bad. You?
Person 1: I’m good. Although, I wish that I could find time to pray.
Person 2: Yeah, I hear ya. “Read your Bible, Pray everyday and you’ll Grow, Grow, Grow.”
Person 1: I know! I’ve been really convicted about this ever since Pastor brought that message about Paul writing, “Pray without ceasing.” I mean, who really does that?
Person 2: I know that I can’t. I guess that I just don’t have enough faith or something.
Person 1: Me too. I feel like a complete failure in the Christian life thing. I can’t even manage 10 minutes a day consistently.

I could go on. But, I think that you get the idea.
We are told time after time after time that unless we do certain things, like pray, in a specific manner we are something “Less Than.”
Less than committed.
Less than faithful.
Less than a true believer.

We are told that we are weak.
We are told that we are a failure.
We are told that if we don’t do everything that we are told by fallible people then God will be ever-so-pissed at us.
Shame on you!!!

The reason that I’m writing this today is to share a little secret with you.
Shhh!!!

God doesn’t care.

Whoa! What?!?
What do you mean God doesn’t care?

C’mon! Do you really think that God sits around with a scorecard to keep track of your prayer life?

God does care about you, though.
God cares that you have an abundant life.
God cares that you love your neighbor as yourself.
God cares that you care for the “least of these.” Your sisters and brothers.

And, yes, God cares when we spend time in God’s Presence.

But, keeping track of minutes and seconds?
No, not on God’s radar.
God knows that we have difficulty with this.
God did become one of us, remember?
So, God gets it.
That’s why God has provided grace for us.
Grace to desire God’s Presence.
Grace to follow in the footsteps of Jesus.
And, yes, even grace to pray.

God is faithful in this.
I know because there are days when for one reason or another I can’t find my way to that quiet place where I sit with God and we share our hearts and minds with one another.
And, God is gracious.
God is not pissed.
God’s desire is not to coerce us nor punish us because we don’t live up to the expectations of some preacher or writer or whatever.
God’s desire is simply to “Be” with us.
And, through God’s grace, we can also find a desire to “Be” with God.

So, be nice to yourself!
Don’t concern yourself with living up to someone else’s idea of spirituality.
Let God’s own Good Grace draw you gently into God’s Presence.

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But, What If?

Published by mhelbert on February 18, 2020

Folks who know me understand that I have no qualms about asking questions.
Tough questions.
Of anyone.
For any reason.

Most of the time I ask questions in order to evoke reflection.
I’m not really challenging anyone.
I want them to think deeply about what they are saying or doing.
And, questions open up the possibility of discussions.
Discussion is always good.

Especially, for someone like me.

You see, many times I have no idea what I think about something until I actually say it out loud. (Or, write about it. Like now.)
So, in forming and stating questions I am more able to process the internal thoughts that roam free upon the ranges of my mind.

I take this same approach when I speak to, and about, God.
Hey! I heard that collective gasp out there!
“What?!? You question God?”

Sure. Why not?
Do you really think that God is afraid of my questions?
Perhaps I might catch God off guard with something?
One time I said to a pastor of the church I was attending that God is OK with our questions.
His response?
“Well, maybe. But, I wouldn’t push it.”

Push God?

How exactly does a person “Push God”?

Anyway, that said, I want to get to the real reason for this post.
(The mark of a true writer is to be able to write a whole bunch of words before making a point. It boosts word count.)

Most of you know that I’m currently dealing with colon cancer.
It’s like going to a party and receiving a White Elephant gift.
“Ok, now what am I supposed to do with this purple Bobbing Bird?”
Many people have expressed their concern and have said that they will keep me in their thoughts and prayers.
I appreciate this sentiment. It reveals our common concern for others. We’ve all suffered through one thing or another. So, we try to empathize with those who are currently suffering.
So, to all of you, a heartfelt, “Thank You”!

But, what if……

There are a lot of people out there who think that all they need to do is garner enough faith and pray. They think that God will then miraculously heal them.
If they follow the correct procedure, according to their unique reading of Holy Scripture, God is almost obligated to heal them.
“But, God said if I have faith like a mustard seed I can tell this mountain to throw itself into the sea! And, it will! Hallelujah!”
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen a lot of heavenly landscaping recently.
These same people have built million dollar industries on the fear of people.
Folks get sick. The diagnosis is dire.
Benny Hinn says, “God will heal you!” as he puts his hands on your head.
The emotions of the moment are overwhelming.
You find yourself being helped to the floor by attendants who work for the scamvangelist.
People in the room and around the world see this and happily reach into their undernourished bank accounts to send money so that “God’s work can continue.”

But, what if……

God doesn’t work that way?

But, what if……

God’s only real promise to us is that,
“I will never leave you nor forsake you”?

But, what if……

God never intended for us to avoid all of the stuff, good and bad, that makes us human?

But, what if……

God understands our suffering and sorrows and will walk with us as we move forward?

I know that some folks will take issue with these thoughts.
Some may even question my faith.

But, what if……

God is not afraid of the questions?

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Words Are Important

Published by mhelbert on February 11, 2020

I’ve written about this before.
In the movie, “Brother Sun; Sister Moon,” there is a line spoken by the character of St. Francis that goes something like, “Words. I used to believe in words.” The implied meaning being that words no longer have meaning to him.
While, in the context of that story I can see what that screenwriter was trying to do, elevate action above mere talk, I find that I can’t necessarily agree with the sentiment.

Words are important.
They convey meaning from speaker to hearer.
Words can start and end wars.
They can also sooth and calm those who are distressed.

So, I place a great deal of importance on words.
As a wannabe Wordsmith, I try to choose the appropriate words and fashion them in such a way that the idea I am trying to communicate is done with clarity and meaning.

I know that it’s hard in this day of Instant Messaging and e-mail to put much stock in clear communication. We want to hit that ‘Send’ button as quickly as possible. It’s our texting version of trying to get a word in “edge-wise.” We want to make sure that ours is the last word spoken. After all, our own opinion is the best and most important.

It concerns me, then, how those to whom we look for information and enlightenment are so bad at using Words. (Yeah, I’m looking at you @BetsyKling! “Nother” is NOT a word!)
We have become a semi-literate culture that emasculates the language. Then, we wonder why we are misunderstood.

I admit that I don’t always get words right. I may choose one that is not clear in meaning. I may string together sentences that don’t make sense.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t see the importance of clear communication.

That brings me to the actual topic of this post.
(Yeah, I know, you are all waiting for me to make a real point. Here it comes.)

Yesterday, I received the preliminary results of a CT Scan that I had done last week.
The docs wanted to see if the cancer in my colon had spread, or metastasized, to any other part of my body.
The report reads, ” NO DEFINITE METASTATIC DISEASE IN THE ABDOMEN OR PELVIS.”

At first blush, this is a beautiful statement. The cancer is still contained in the original location. Cool! Let’s go in there and pull that sucker out!
Let’s do it NOW!!!

But, our language is strange sometimes.
Look closely at the above statement from the report.

What, exactly, does “DEFINITE” mean?
To me, that’s a qualifier.
It tells me that there may, in fact, BE some kind of spreading that they simply are not able confirm definitively.

See how words work?

I really wish that they would have written, “No Metastatic Disease Present.”
Or, even, Yes, there is evidence of it.

Now, my mind is thrust back into the land of Not Knowing.

Maybe this is normal for people who are diagnosed with a disease like cancer.
Our minds may simply kick into gear and continually ask, “But, what if?”

I guess we’ll find out for sure soon.
I meet with a surgeon later this week to determine what next steps must be taken.

Until then, I guess there’s no definite resolution to this.

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It’s Monday, Only Different

Published by mhelbert on February 10, 2020

Here we are. It’s Monday again. You know, that day that comes after a weekend.
It happens every week about this time.
Folks bemoan it, “Oh, man! I gotta get up and go to work! I wanna Sleep!”
Others are a tad more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, “Yay! A new week! Let’s Go!!!”

For most of us, it’s just another day in a long string of days that sort of blur together.

This Monday marks one week since I had that colonoscopy thing that revealed cancer.

And, I really don’t know how or what to feel about that.

The first couple of days my gut was tied up in knots. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My mind racing all over the place.
“What’s next?”
“How do I fight this?”
“Why me?”
I didn’t fall into that category of people who try to deny the reality of their illness.
I was ready to put up my fists and kick some ass.

But, I was in that Betwixt and Between place of knowing and not knowing.
I knew something was not right…but, not for sure.
The doc said that it was probably cancer.
Probably.
I waited four days in that place until I got the official word.
Yep, cancer.
Now, even though I now know kind of what I’m up against, I still must wait.
I had a CT Scan to see if the cancer has spread.
Waiting on results.
I have a date with a surgeon.
Waiting for that day.

Living in this Twilight World is hard.
My heart goes out to those of you who have already experienced this.
It’s no longer day.
It’s not quite night.
It’s something else.

So, no, I don’t know how I should feel right now.
After the initial shock I guess that I just feel numb.

Not denial. Just numb.
Not angry. Still numb.
Not really anxious. Numb again.

As an aside, this is really an interesting dive into what’s involved with being human.
I’ll post more thoughts on that later.
For now, I do appreciate your consideration during this time.
Those whom I trust I know will walk with me.
The rest? I hope that they will be moved to care for themselves and their loved ones.

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“Think” Is Not A Dirty Word

Published by mhelbert on February 9, 2020

I’m not going to post every day about my health. I know, I know, you’re all waiting with bated breath to find out the next tidbit of information about my new war with cancer.
I will continue to update that regularly.
But, this is my blog and I get to decide what to write about.
And, today I want to spend a little time to talk about ‘Thinking.’

Specifically, thinking in the context of the Church.

I’ve shared some about my current journey with the community at St. Barnabas and the Episcopal Church.
I have been walking with them for almost a year and a half.
And, I am enjoying the journey a lot.

This morning I was talking with someone who has been a regular at the Sunday morning Bible Study that I help out with. She shared that she had never attended any kind of Sunday School before. For whatever reason, they never interested her. This study, though, seems to have piqued her curiosity. She stated that what I bring to the study is a desire to make people think.
As we continued to talk she mentioned that Thinking seemed to be what inspires me to lead this way. That I seem “at home” here because of that.

I thought for a second.
You know, she was right.
One of the things that I really appreciate about the Episcopal Church is that it is not afraid of ‘thinking’ people. It’s not afraid of questions. And, more importantly, it’s not afraid of Paradox or Ambiguity.

I think that lies at the heart of how the Church should truly be.

I have been in churches where the leadership tells parishioners how and what to think. Several years ago one pastor told us that, although he couldn’t tell us how to vote from the pulpit, if we wanted we could see him after the service and he would be happy to convey that information. The scariest part of that would have been if anyone actually took him up on it.
These church leaders try to make themselves out to be the chosen oracles of God on Earth. People are expected to hear their words as Gospel.
Yeah, I know, many of them pray before they speak that only the words that God would desire should come out of their mouths. At best, this is a false humility that anyone with a brain should see through. The pastor is going to say whatever was prepared, God’s words or not.
The biggest problem with that is that all of the words that are spoken after such a prayer are then regarded as God Ordained. After all, God allowed them to be spoken! Right?
Wrong.
On so many levels that’s wrong.
But, that’s a subject for another post.

What I want to emphasize here is that churches with authoritarian leadership want everyone to accept what they say as the Certain Words and Position of God.
No questions will be accepted.
No other opinions are welcome.
God said it, (through them); I believe it, (Cause they said so); That settles it, (got no choice!).

The Episcopal Church, however, is not like that at all. While there are boundaries, as there should be, anything within those bounds is up for discussion. I am welcome to think for myself and assert my own thoughts on any number of topics regarding God, Jesus, the Church, and anything else that presents an interest to me.
Perhaps more importantly, I am allowed to give others the same grace and latitude to think and believe as they are led by God’s Spirit.
After all, isn’t that what this is all about?
Being led by God’s Spirit?
Trusting that God speaks through the multitude and not simply the ordained?

“Think” is Not a dirty word.

“Think” is a Gift from God that we are obligated to do.

“Think” is how we emulate God whose Image we are.

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Engage!

Published by mhelbert on February 8, 2020

LOS ANGELES – JANUARY 8: Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION episode, “The Hunted.” Season 3, episode 11. Original air date, January 8, 1990. (Photo by CBS via Getty Images)

First, I want to say Thank You for your gracious outpouring of support. I do appreciate it a lot.

The main reason that I want to share what’s happening with me with all of you is to emphasize the importance of screening and preventive measures. Colon cancer is extremely common. And, it’s one of the most treatable cancers. That is, if it’s caught early enough. (Hopefully, mine has. We’ll see next week.)
Yet, even though these facts are true, many, if not most, people will never get tested.
I don’t mean those mail-in poop-scoop tests that are advertised on T.V. While any action is good, the only truly accurate way to detect the illness is by colonoscopy.
You may say, “Ewww! They stick a camera up your butt!!!”
Well, yeah they do.
They also give you versed. That alone may be worth the test.

People complain about the costs involved.
Those without health insurance are afraid.
Right now, I believe that the basic test is considered a Wellness Visit. So, there’s no copay and whatever insurance you do have covers the entire cost.
Now, if there’s any kind of treatment that must be done, like pathology or any complications, you may be liable for that.

But, what are the consequences of NOT getting tested?

Actually, for a lot of folks there will be none.
They will never have any issues at all.
Good for you all!
You’ll also never know for sure, will you?

For the rest of us?
Colon cancer kills.
That’s the alternative of not getting tested.
By the time symptoms become too great to ignore, it’s likely too late to treat successfully.

So, the point of all of this?

If I am one of the fortunate who can be successfully treated and become cancer free, then I hope this story encourages you to see a doc soon. Especially, if you are high risk.
Ask your doc what that means or do a simple Google search on risk factors.
Then, we can celebrate my success together.

If, however, I find that things have turned sour and I’m not one of the successful ones, then I hope that what I share will: 1) Still encourage you to get screened. DO IT!!! 2) share with you the inevitable part of our human journey that none of us gets a pass on.

In any case, I really hope to be encouraging through all of this.
If my experience helps anyone else avoid this, then Yay!
And, I expect that sharing this will be therapeutic for me.
Processing the whirlwind of facts and feelings can be overwhelming. Sharing these, writing them down, helps me to sort through them and manage them more effectively.

So, if you would be so kind, Follow this blog for updates.
Feel free to comment your own thoughts and feelings. Particularly, if you’re impacted by something yourself.

So, now, let’s get started! In the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard…

“Engage!”

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Surprise! Look What We Found!

Published by mhelbert on February 7, 2020

I shared a few weeks ago that I will soon be joining the ranks of the Retired. After nearly 50 years working in commercial printing, I’m hanging up my computer. I will be spending more time with, well, this computer.
We have been working to prepare for this. Getting the finances squared away; signing up for medicare; gloating about it to my co-workers. You know, all of the important stuff.

And, things seem to be progressing nicely.

But, as with most things in life, the things that we don’t see are the ones that tend to impact us most.
We try our best to prepare for every contingency. What if the water heater blows up the day after I retire? Can we pay for a new one?
Check!
How about the car?
Check on that, too!

How about your health?
Well, I’ve got that dicey cardiac thing pretty much under control. So, yeah, Check!

What about your cancer?

Wha?!? Who?!?
What cancer?

The cancer that’s been growing in your colon, dummy!

But, I don’t have any cancer!!!
I eat right and exercise and don’t engage in high risk activities!
I even get regular colonoscopies to make sure that nothing’s happening!

Well, you did skip a year and a half.
Right?
You were supposed to have a scope in 2018. But, no, there was something else going on. And, the previous two scopes had been clear. Nothing to worry about. Right?

Wrong!

This past Monday I went in for my routine, but belated, colonoscopy. I wrote a bit about it here.
Afterwards, the Doc came in to give us the results.
There were a few polyps. No biggie. They snip them off and we’re good to go.
There was something else, though.
A mass in the ascending colon.
They took a biopsy and sent it to pathology.
The doc, however, was pretty sure what we were looking at.
Cancer.

Yesterday I received the results of the pathology.
Yep, suspicions confirmed.

Not how I had planned to begin my retirement.
Hell, not in any plans for anything at all!
But, there you go.
The things you don’t see are the ones that can derail you.

What now?

Today I go for a CT Scan to see if this bugger has spread.
Hopefully, no.
We have hopefully caught it early enough that it is self-contained.
If it has not spread, then next week I meet with a surgeon to go over how they will remove it.
The best case is that they will take it out and I will live happily ever after. The way things are going, though, I’m not overly confident.

Right now I am consumed by conflicting emotions. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how I SHOULD feel!
I know there are folks out there who have experienced exactly what I am. I don’t want to be a whiner and do the whole, “Woe is me!” thing. Especially when you are dealing with far worse.

But, we each process things in our own way.

My way is going to be to process it here.
I want to share this experience.
Well, not SHARE it. I can assure you that you do not want this!
I want to share my experience with you.
What’s happening physically?
The tests and the doc’s reports and surgery.
All the good stuff that cancer patients get to have.
What’s going on emotionally?
What thoughts and feelings are racing around in my head…my body.
It looks to be a roller coaster ride that rivals anything at Cedar Point.
What is this doing to form me Spiritually?
Where is Yahweh in all of this?
IS Yahweh in ANY of this?

So, for the next little while I’m going to write about these things.
Sure, I’ll still write the other stuff, too.
But, this is important right here; right now.

I invite you to come along with me on this journey!
Lord knows that I can’t walk it alone.
Your company is appreciated.
I also encourage you to share this and invite others to come along.
This is part of our shared human experience.
So, Please, share on your social media, at the dinner table, with co-workers…anyone and everyone.

Hopefully, in a little while I’ll be able to share with you OUR victory over this thing.

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