Category: Shame

More Letters To Julia – 2/20/2020

Published by mhelbert on February 20, 2020

Good Morning, Julia!
How are you doing? I hope all is well in sunny New Mexico!
It’s been pretty sunny here recently. But, bloody cold!

Anyway, I was debating whether or not to share this with you. It’s kinda dark. And, you know how we humans hate airing our own dirty laundry in public!
(But, we really like getting other folks’ nasty BVDs out there!)

This is especially difficult for me because I have a public image that may cause folks to think I’m some squeaky-clean holy guy who has his shit all together.
Yeah, really! Who? Me?

The truth is that I don’t.
I never have.
I’m as flawed as anyone else.
Probably more than most.

For a lot of years I hung out with someone who I thought was a good friend.
He used lots of different names.
“Jack,” “Tullamore Dew,” and my favorite, “Jameson.”

Of course, these are all whiskeys.
Whiskey…the Water of the Gods…they say.

And, I jumped right into that with both feet.
I think that I spent the better part of a decade, maybe more, doing my best to drown my head; my heart; my liver.
I didn’t worry too much about it, though.
I wasn’t what you’d call a ‘Mean Drunk.’
In fact, my mother once told me that I was more fun to be around when I’d had a few.

And, I probably was. I don’t know. I really don’t remember too much about that.

People say that drinking causes people to become different. That they change under the influence.
We really don’t.
What alcohol does is release the beasties that already live within.
They get to run around and play and cause all sorts of havoc.
But, they are what’s in our heart.
I did a lot of really, really stupid stuff when I drank.
Because, when allowed to run free, those things that live within are really, really stupid and self-destructive.
When people told me that I had a drinking problem I would tell them, “Not really. I drink. I get drunk. I fall asleep. See? No problem!”

But, it was a problem.
I’m very fortunate that I didn’t kill anyone when I got in my car to drive to the store for more.
I’m fortunate that I didn’t kill myself when I fell down stairs or passed out on the floor.
I’m really fortunate that I didn’t destroy every important relationship that I had.
That there were still people who, although stressed to the max, still stood with me during that time.

To them, “Sorry” doesn’t say enough.

But, I’ve been alcohol free for well over two years.
I have to thank my doc for helping me treat my Alcohol Use Disorder.
(Yeah, it’s a thing.)
It took a long time to Break those Chains that had me bound and sinking into the abyss.

I shared this, I think, because I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can Break the Chains that Bind.
Addictions are big, heavy links that are forged over time. Links are added every day that we live with them.
We don’t need to stay imprisoned, though.
Freedom is just one step away.

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From Generation to Generation

Published by mhelbert on February 5, 2020

It’s odd how certain thoughts and ideas pop into your head.
Churning and turning over and over and over….
See how the myriad facets of that thought present their varying colors and perspectives. Sewing themselves into the fabric of your mind.
Amazing!

What does that have to do with anything?
Well, this morning my mind wandered to how one generation’s life and experience influence those that follow.
I know that this is something that we in the West don’t often consider.
We think that each person is an individual who is capable of building her life on her own. Through hard work and grit people can slough off any and all encumbrances and create a successful life…for themselves.

But, is that an entirely accurate idea?

I’m not so sure.

My Dad’s mother died when he was very young. His father remarried.
Eventually, his father, an alcoholic, left them and moved away. So, he was raised by his step-mother.
It was late in his life when he told me anything about that time in his life.
His step-mother was truly a bitch. She abused him in passive-aggressive ways that left lasting scars.
As a result, he withdrew into himself.
He became known to others by his quietness. His high school yearbook noted that he didn’t say much, but what he said was profound.
He never experienced true intimacy with anyone.
Yeah, he had a special relationship with my mom. His love was as deep as the ocean. His devotion to her unwavering. But, even with her, he held his feelings close to himself. It seemed that only after his mind began to fail him toward the end of his life that he began to open that long-closed box that contained his heart.
Nature and Nurture.
Joined to create a New Thing.
Dysfunction.

As I wrote before, I was adopted.
I was torn from my mother and placed in an institution.
I was given to my adoptive parents while still and infant.
But, damage was done.
All of the experts agree that attachments are necessarily created, bonds of love and trust, at this early age.
Although my adoptive parents cared for me, gave me their name, and provided stability and security for me, they will always be at best High Level Foster Parents.
It seems that only those who do the adopting consider that their new child is truly theirs. No one who keeps these stats and stories ever really asks those who were adopted. No one seems to really consider our insight into our own lives.
I don’t want to take anything away from my mom and dad. They loved me and supported me in their way. I will always have deep gratitude for the life they provided and the sacrifices that they made.
But, the ability for me to make intimate links with anyone was diminished. If not totally destroyed.
I withdrew into myself.
I tried to emulate Mr. Spock. Suppressing my emotions, stuffing my feelings, became my ultimate goal.
We all know that’s an impossible task.
Rather, my emotions raged like a class 5 hurricane. They found no true or constructive outlet. So, as I worked to contain the storm within, damage was done.
Nature and Nurture.
Joined to create a new thing.
Dysfunction.

Those are two generations in which similar circumstances created similar narratives.

My brain goes to these places as I try to come to grips with dysfunction, not only in my own life, but in my family and among my friends.
There is something to the idea of generational influence. For good or ill; better or worse.
These are things that we have absolutely no control over. They have been handed to us by those who came first.

We can, however, make choices on how to engage these things.
I know that I will never be able to experience a truly intimate relationship with anyone. There are too many issues deeply embedded in my soul to allow that.
But, I can push myself to learn new ways to deal with that.
The first and perhaps most important way is to be honest with myself about these things.
Second, I can learn to forgive those who preceded me. Both the one who gave me away and the ones who took me in.
They are no more perfect than I am. I have to be able to extend them the grace to be human.
Third, and perhaps most important, I must learn to forgive myself.
Because I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, my own “sin,” it’s easy to find myself swimming in an ocean of guilt and shame.
That’s hard.
The guilt and shame were truly earned.
But, I can’t…I mustn’t…live there.
That compounds hurt upon hurt.
That leads to death.
Spiritual; emotional; physical.

We give too little consideration for anything beyond the tiny sphere in which we live.
We think, mistakenly, that we are an individual who is a self-contained entity with no ties to anything outside of ourselves.

That’s a lie.

Don’t believe that for an instant.

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Random Thought for a Friday

Published by mhelbert on September 27, 2019

In the car for my morning commute, my mind sometimes wanders into strange and mystical places. Today I found myself considering a strange word. One that is tossed about without a second thought. A word that I think may be one of the most misunderstood, and frequently ignored, in our language.

That word is “Vow.”

Merriam-Webster defines it:

“a solemn promise or assertion

specifically: one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition.“

As I considered this word, I began to wonder why we use it. Some religious sects use it to bind individuals into some kind of ‘priesthood’ or other religious community like a monastery or convent. This, they claim, binds the person into service, (servitude?), for life. (Sometimes with devastating effect. But, that’s another story.)

Others swear vows of chastity until a certain time or event, like marriage. There are those who “swear off” alcohol, tobacco, or other substances that they consider harmful to their life and well-being.

Some courts of law require that witnesses get “sworn in,” vowing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

But, my mind led me to consider those vows that one may make at a young age that are considered binding for life. Because, I don’t really think that these are either helpful or realistic in real life.

It’s been said by people way smarter than I am that the only thing that is completely constant is change. People grow. Environment changes. Opinions are altered over time. Our journey is not static by any means.

So, if as a young man I swear to abide by certain vows, when I grow older and the world in which I live moves on, I may find myself stuck between growing with the world or holding on to some words that I spoke in a different time and place. I am not talking about ‘fairness.’ As in, that wouldn’t be fair. No, I’m talking about reality.

In recent years there has been a lot of news about certain clergy abusing others. Others who are usually most vulnerable to abuse. The shame and condemnation that are felt by all involved can be horribly devastating. Here is a person who Swore and Oath, who Made a Vow! Look at what has happened!

Now, not only is the innocent victim traumatized by this and may never recover fully. But, the Vow has been shown to be false and meaningless.

My question is, why make it in the first place?

Jesus, himself, told people NOT to swear or make oaths. He said that folks should simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when asked whether they would do something. Yet, we continue to insist on swearing and making oaths that there in no way can possibly be honored until death. The world doesn’t sit still for anyone.

Would it not be better to enter into a community or vocation or some other institution with intent to follow and live according to whatever conventions are in place until such time as the world turns? Then, with all seriousness and consideration be able to say, “It’s time. Time for me to move on. Time for me to move away from the temptations that plague me and deal with who I am and what I am Now called to do. And, most importantly, to be able to do that with honor and dignity. To be blessed by those who we’ve shared a short season with. To grow with the world without the shame and guilt that comes from “breaking the Vow.”

Yeah, I think that would be much better.

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White Evangelicals, Why??

Published by mhelbert on June 3, 2018

Recently, I’ve begun to reevaluate what I’m doing with this blog thing. What I considered thought provoking proved to be less than sparkly. Some of the more poetic ‘ditties’ have garnered a slightly better response. Overall, I’m discouraged.

But, Hey! That’s never stopped me from forging ahead. So, it won’t now. Maybe.

Anyway, I have decided that the coverage of religious things from a scholarly point of view is not a happening thing. That will slowly fall away.

However…

When religious issues cloud common decency, I may need to write something.

Ok, religious issues ALWAYS cloud common decency. And, most of the time common sense as well. I promise to try to be selective about which issues I choose to wrangle.

Today is one of those days.

Pew Research did a survey that asked how people in the U.S. feel about admitting refugees to this country. Politically, the results were predictable. Twenty-six percent of Republicans think that the U.S. bears a responsibility to admit foreign refugees. Dems; 74%.

No surprise.

The Pew people also asked the question to various folks based on religious/non-religious affiliation.

This is the response that I want to focus on.

White Evangelical Protestants responded in lockstep with the Republican Party. Twenty-six percent of these respondents said that the U.S. has no responsibility to offer help to refugees. Another way to view it, 68% of Bible-believing, Hallelujah-ing, self-proclaimed followers of Jesus Christ Almighty say that refugees from foreign countries shall have NO succor here!

None! Nada! Nyet!

While I am disheartened by this, I am not surprised. In the late 1970’s, early 1980’s, White evangelicals climbed into the Republican bed when Jerry Falwell, Sr. decided that the government could, and should, legislate morality. And they’ve been rolling around under the sheets ever since. So, the fact that the poll results are pretty much identical between the two demographics is predictable.

Many people, (and when I say many, I mean MANY), have tried to analyze this. The question; Why do so many people who claim to follow Jesus Christ, friend to the outcast, turn their backs on outcasts? How can people who hold up their sacred text as inerrant and infallible suddenly forget about the hundreds of references to caring for widows, orphans, and foreigners?

I’m not going to rehash what these people conclude. You can Google it yourselves.

What I want to do is look at this from a slightly different angle.

White evangelicals in the U.S. feel that this country was founded on some non-existent ‘Judeo-Christian ideal. From the Puritans’ “City on a Hill” to the founding fathers’ so-called Christian bias, the U.S. is God’s country! It belongs to White Jesus come hell or high water! Just ask pseudo-historian David Barton. On second thought, don’t ask him. He’s a lying moron. But, you get the picture.

With that foundational belief it’s entirely understandable that White evangelicals would want to do whatever they possibly can to keep the country ‘pure.’ Can’t have any of those Muslim infidels dirtying up the pool now, can we. Oh, and those brown people from south of the border? No, no! Unclean! Put bells on them to warn everyone that their ‘uncleanness’ is coming. Ewwww!

I can understand this. People in general want to protect themselves and their loved ones from perceived threats. It’s human nature. Quarantine the people with measles. I get it.

But, what can we learn from their sacred text about this? Is there something written that can shed some light on what Jesus, himself, might think?

I think that there is.

In the Gospel according to Mark there is a passage that gets little attention except for those who want to keep wayward children in check. The passage is in chapter 7. I’m providing a link rather than inserting the entire passage. Mark 7:1-15.

To set the stage, Jesus’ disciples were having a quick bite to eat. They apparently just picked up food and started scarfing it. Jewish tradition, however, required that people take time to ceremonially wash their hands and the utensils before eating. The Pharisees and other religious folks were appalled. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! Jesus, what are your disciples doing?!?! Why, they’re breaking our taboo! They are putting unclean food into their mouths! Oh, the shame!”

Jesus took this opportunity to teach an important lesson.

First, he called out their hypocrisy. “Oh, yeah! Y’all want to call this out? This is simply a tradition that has been handed down by people. What about how you flaunt what Moses actually handed to us from God Almighty? You have taught people to break the Law of Moses when it comes to honoring their parents. Moses said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and, ‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.’ But you say that if anyone declares that what might have been used to help their father or mother is Corban (that is, devoted to God)—then you no longer let them do anything for their father or mother.”

I want to focus on that word, “Corban.” It is a carry-over word from the Hebrew Scripture. In its simplest form it refers to an offering or gift made to God. However, as time moved forward, the idea began to develop that Corban could be claimed over anything that represented a sacrifice. In this way a person could be called Corban. They would then, for all practical purposes, be dedicated to God. Their lives would move from the secular to the sectarian. Other objects, including money, could also be Corban. This would exclude the item from ANY secular use. It was wholly dedicated to God. So, when the Pharisees taught that money that could be used for the secular purpose of helping parents was declared Corban, that money became unusable for that help. It went into the Temple coffers, period, end of discussion.

Jesus in effect told them that they were guilty of transgressing the Law of Moses by insisting that their own man-made traditions took precedence over that Law.

In a similar way, the tradition of washing had been elevated to a binding activity. The Pharisees taught that anything that was eaten by unwashed hands from unwashed bowls actually made the person who ate “unwashed,” or unclean.

To you, White evangelicals…

It’s nice the way that you set aside the commandment of God for your own hypocritical traditions. You say, “This land was given to us by God. It is Corban! How can we offer it to these ‘others’?

Yet the commandment of God is clear. “Care for those who are lost and hurting. Love them as you love yourself. Is this not the greatest commandment after love of God?”

Pull your heads out of your collective backsides and see the Light! What you call ‘Corban’ causes destruction and death!

Is this how your god behaves? It’s no wonder people are walking, no, running from your pews!

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Wednesday Morning Musing

Published by mhelbert on November 8, 2017

I just finished reading “The Ocean at the End of the Lane” by Neil Gaiman.

Near the end he wrote the following:

”I said, “You don’t have to take me home. I could stay with you. I could wait until Lettie comes back from the ocean. I could work on your farm, and carry stuff, and learn to drive a tractor.”

She said, “No,” but she said it kindly. “You get on with your own life, Lettie gave it to you. You just have to grow up and try and be worth it.”

A flash of resentment. It’s hard enough being alive, trying to survive in the world and find your place in it, to do the things you need to do to get by, with out wondering if the thing you just did, whatever it was, was worth someone having..if not died, then having given up her life. It wasn’t fair.”

When I read those words I felt the bitter sting of my own resentment. Not toward any other person. But, resentment toward myself. For, I too, know of someone who performed a similar sacrifice on my behalf. A sacrifice that I am ashamed to say that I have not ‘grown up and been worth it.’

I’ve allowed myself to be turned from the path I was given to trod.

“Be sensible.”
“Don’t be selfish.”
“Remember, you now have a family to support.”
“Go ahead and do that. But, remember, it’s ONLY a hobby. It can never be a real vocation.”
“Sit still and do this task.”
“You wrote this? Is there something wrong with you?”
“Get a hair cut!”
“Follow these rules and you’ll find true peace and happiness.”

“Jesus didn’t die so that you could do whatever you want!”

Didn’t he? What then was the purpose? So that I could live forever in some so-called paradise where I would still need to follow those rules? A place somewhere ‘out there’ where I would still need to conform to someone else’s idea of who I am?

No.

I don’t believe he did.

Someone wrote that Jesus once said, “ I came that life they may have, and abundantly they may have (it).” (Sometimes when translated word for word, Greek sounds kinda like Yoda talking!) If that’s true, what then constitutes that ‘abundant’ life?

Some say that giving in to the expectations that others have placed on us is that way. It’s a challenge that all caring humans must accept and engage in. Follow the rules; meet their expectations and the reward will be worth it.

Will it?

Others may respond with, “We must follow those rules so that an ordered society can flourish. It’s not about YOU! It’s about the greater good!”

Uh huh, yeah, I get it. My dreams, that part of me that should grow up to show that the sacrifice was worth it, should be suborned for the sake of others. So that by my sacrifice others will have this same obligation placed on their shoulders. Then they can do the same and the obligation for the greater good can spread exponentially throughout the world. Is THAT what you mean?

IS THAT THE ABUNDANT LIFE?

If it is, I am truly not interested.

Yes, I get it that we have responsibilities. We need to eat and pay the bills. We need to nurture and protect those whose lives are intertwined with our own. I’m not debating that at all. And, I do think that there is meaning and fulfillment in meeting those responsibilities.

But, what about nurturing and protecting that person who lives within me? That person for whom the sacrifice was made? Does that person get relegated to row ZZ in the upper deck? That’s what we’re taught. Isn’t it?

And, all the while I shrink. My spirit atrophies. I become a shriveled shell shackled and shamed into being someone I was never meant to be.

All of this tells me that, no, I haven’t been able to “be worth it.” Everything has been done with an eye to making someone else happy. That has led to some pretty harsh lapses. It seems that when we don’t care for ourselves, something inside eventually rebels and life can go to hell in a particle accelerator at nearly the speed of light. Then that shell becomes more than shriveled and shackled. It becomes shattered.

So, what now?
Where does someone turn for redemption?
For fulfillment?
For a glimpse of the ‘abundant life?’

I know that it may sound trite. But, I think that the only place to turn is to that person who offered that original sacrifice. I think that to touch the heart and mind of that person is key to unlocking the prison in which the true “me” lives. Or, the true “you.”

For me, it’s past time to break out and move forward. Sunday a Bishop of our Anglican church spoke. He shared several stories about people who asked God what they should do with their lives. They listened. They moved forward. They didn’t become rich and famous. Some would say they weren’t even all that successful. But, they lived their calling. They grew up and showed that the sacrifice made for them was truly worth it.

I hope that I can follow them. I hope when it’s all said and done the One Who sacrificed can look at me and say, “Yeah, it was worth it.”

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Frustrated with Where This Road has Taken Me

Published by mhelbert on November 4, 2014

Last week I wrote in my journal for the first time in nearly 4 months. I think that’s the longest I’ve gone in 3 years. I don’t know why I stayed away so long. I enjoy putting words to paper. It gives me a safe place to share my thoughts. Somewhere that I can vent my anger and frustration and communicate with God and my soul.

I also noticed that I have found my frustration with my job, again. For at least the last half-year I’ve experienced a lot of ambivalence toward it. I mean, I haven’t been happy doing it. But, well, I really haven’t given a shit about it, either. I get up; I go to work; I come home. In the words of the famous sage, Garfield, “Big, fat, hairy deal.”

I found myself spending way too much time imbibing in my favorite adult beverage. Yeah, the pain and frustration diminished. But, so did my health.

So, what’s different now? I’m not sure, actually. I suppose part of it has to do with the season of my life. I’m pushing 60 and, looking back, I can’t see all that much that’s been positive. Yeah, there have been moments. The birth of my kids and watching them grow into incredible people. I’ve experienced some joy, (re. a little here; a little there), making music. But, by and large my life has been one bad decision after another. Shame, anger, frustration…these have all been my closest companions. Now, sitting at the cusp of another decade on this big, blue marble dancing in space, I’m not sure that I know who I am or what I’m doing here.

Some may simply blow this off as some kind of ‘mid-life crisis.’ Maybe it is; maybe not. I’ve been in the same industry, doing roughly the same thing, for 45 years. And, it was not my first choice for a career. I entered it as a convenience since my dad was in the same industry and opened some doors for me. My true love was making music. And, while my parents bought me my first guitar, they also made it very clear that playing would only ever a be a hobby. There was simply no future in music. So, it basically became a hobby. Because, you know, you’ve got to make everyone else happy.

As I entered into high school my interest in Christian ministry was piqued. I decided to go to Malone College in Canton, Ohio to begin walking the path to the pastorate. However, a month before I was to leave, I decided to go into the workforce. I had been working all that summer, had a new car and some money in my pocket. So, why bother with college? (Another bad decision.)

So, why am I sharing this? Well, I think that I’m not alone. I think that there are a lot of folks out there that experience depression, frustration, anger and regret because their lives have been something less than they expected. As teens and young adults we had great aspirations. I had the great fortune to grow up in one of the most idealistic times in history, the 1960’s. We witnessed, and were a part of, tectonic shifts in western culture. We were going to lead the world into a new reality that encompassed equality and justice. We fought against the horrific debacle that was Viet Nam. We pulled at the scaffolding that held up the political machines that oppressed African-Americans, women and other marginalized people. The so-called ‘establishment’ was vulnerable and we went after that vulnerability.

Since then, however, I’ve watched nearly all of those who stood with me for justice and equality join in the very establishment that we worked to get past. They have embraced the same white, privileged, patriarchal way of life that has placed it’s heel on the necks of the marginalized.

So, here I am. Looking back at lost purpose, missed opportunities and many, many bad decisions. I guess that I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel. Or else, I wouldn’t be writing things like this. Things to stir up shit. Things to make complacent people think about their own place in the cultural cosmos.

What do you think? Has your life been what you once dreamed it would be? What suggestions do you have for moving forward? Or, am I a total loon that has missed the point? I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

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Thoughts for a Wednesday Morning

Published by mhelbert on July 2, 2014

All of us go through periods when the light seems to be far off and obscured. We spend time in introspection wondering what ever happened to the joy and innocence that existed so very long ago. Anger, frustration, hurt and shame seem to be constant companions. How in the world did my life turn out like this? This question is one that I’ve been asking myself. Why have I taken every opportunity to shoot myself in the foot? I look in the mirror and really don’t like the person staring back at me.

I approached God about this. “Why,” I asked, “haven’t things ‘worked together’ for my good?” Now, I know that some will ask me why I’m counting lemons when there are so many cherries around. So, yes, I’ll concede that not all things are a downer. But, those things are external. What I’m talking about here are the internal things. The feelings and emotions, thoughts and dreams that make us human seem to have fallen in the desert where they shrivel and die.

Then God began to show me the flaws and imperfections, some deadly, that existed throughout the Cosmos.

Tectonic shifts, volcanic activity, super-novas, meteors and asteroids crashing into planets and each other. The universe is a very dangerous place. Yet, look at the beauty that can spring forth from these ashes. Beautiful islands and majestic mountains are created by the natural ebb and flow of the earth’s molten core. Great nebulae expanding out from some great cosmic explosion. From these new stars or planets may even be birthed.

Then God said, “I love all of this! The forces, great and small, that work together to create and recreate reveal the life that I have shared with all things. Yes, some of the forces destroy. Yet, even in death there is the seed for new life. You are no different. With the darkness and struggle you find yourself in is a spark that promises creation of new things.”

Has this changed how I feel? No. It has, however, given me something to consider. Perhaps, in time I’ll be able to fully embrace who I have become and not mourn the loss of innocence. Perhaps, not. That’s tomorrow’s concern. I’m having enough difficulty dealing with here and now.

I really don’t know if any of this makes sense. Or, if it’s just more ramblings of a mad man. But, I suspect that I’m not alone in all of this.

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Who’s Your Best Friend? Pt. 2

Published by mhelbert on October 14, 2013

This is the second part of a series about the possibility of women and men building ‘best friend’ relationships. As I reflect and write about this topic I find that it continues to morph and grow into something more than a simple yes or no can address. Yes, there will be a part three. And, at this point probably a part four. We’ll see where God takes us.

Last week I began writing about relationships between women and men here. Particularly, on the possibility of them being ‘best’ friends. I stated some of the common objections to these relationships. And, I began to deconstruct some of those objections as having their origins in a particular, privileged male view of sexuality. I pointed out how this view demeans and silences women, as well as reinforces the image of how poor, weak men are bound to be ensnared by the sexual wiles of women. I feel that view of sexuality is pretty much crap talk. I’m not about to go along with any position that unfairly labels women as sluts or gives men a pass on their own, personal faults. What I am going to do today is try to unpack some of the issues regarding cross-sex relationships.

When I was a young boy most of my best friends were other boys. We played in the woods and climbed trees. We raced bicycles and played baseball. We prided ourselves as being true ‘He Man Woman Haters.’ However, I knew who the fastest kid in our class was. And, she could beat any one of us boys in a foot race. When teams for kickball were chosen, I tried to make sure she was on my team. In the classroom I spent more time with the girls because they were smarter than most of my guy friends. It always helped to be on their team during spelling and math contests. Many times outside of class boys and girls played together. (That is, as long as the girls didn’t want to play house. Yuk!) The point is kids know how to be friends with anyone, regardless of gender. But, something happened as we got older. Our bodies began to change. Hormones started messing with us. Parents and other adults started telling us that boys and girls needed to start preparing for marriage. Physical pressure, peer pressure and social pressure built to the point of bursting. I’m surprised anyone survives this! All of the sudden…the innocence is gone. Now, we have to learn a whole new way of relating to one another. The girl who once was one of my best friends has become a sexual object. Not because we chose that path. But, because others defined it for us.

I want to be clear about something before I continue. In this series I’m not addressing casual or professional acquaintances. These relationships are viewed as completely necessary and acceptable by most people. I am writing about the possibility for women and men to have relationships in which their hearts are knit together. In which they become kindred spirits who support and encourage one another. In essence, they are best friends in every sense that implies. However, they remain just friends.

Impossible? I don’t think so. Let’s take time to look at some of the issues.Please note that these are serious issues. Many good people and relationships have been shipwrecked because of them. So, I do not take them lightly. I do, however, want to place them within a context that may, perhaps, shed some light on them and offer hope to people who may feel lost and hopeless.

In my last post I shared a video clip from the movie, “When Harry met Sally.” Billy Crystal’s character said that it was impossible for women and men to be friends because ‘the sex part’ always gets in the way. I think there’s some truth in that statement. Whether it’s always an issue, I’m not sure. I do know that in many cases physical attraction and desire are potential deal breakers. I don’t want to belittle this issue, but I think that we need to understand that ‘the sex part’ is totally natural. As I wrote before, we are sexual beings. However, we tend to obsess over this. Especially, in the purity culture, sexuality is whispered about or it is ignored. This sentiment seems to have its roots in how the early church incorporated the Christian scriptures and Greek philosophy, particularly Plato. That view divides the unseen ultimate concept of things from their physical representation on earth. The physical is always something ‘less than’ the ultimate, non-physical reality. The church began to understand that the spiritual reality, therefore, is something to be sought after. The physical, or the ‘flesh,’ was something to be despised. Spirit=Good; Flesh=Bad. However, the folks who wrote the First Covenant did not seem to view humanity like this. Theirs was a wholistic view of people. It looked more like this: Flesh+Spirit=Soul. This view honors the whole person. We can accept and embrace ourselves as God’s image bearers in God’s Good Creation. I truly believe that grasping this is the first step in freeing ourselves from the prison of shame and false modesty. That freedom is necessary for openness and friendship to be established between women and men. Freedom can be won when a person admits and owns their sexuality. When I confess that, yes, I am attracted to this person, I don’t have to hide it or deny it. I can embrace it. After all, this ‘sexual’ me is part of who I am…who God has formed me to be. By not giving into shame and obsessing over my human nature I don’t empower it. I can simply admit that it’s there and move on. I do not have to gratify it. It took me a long time and some monumental failures to learn this. And, it wasn’t until I realized that one of my best friends is a woman that I began to understand that embracing who I am is one of the greatest safeguards against pursuing ‘the sex part.’

There is another potential hazard that I think is vital to understand. It is, perhaps, even more important than this one. But, you’ll have to wait for part three for that.

How do you feel about your identity as a sexual being? Is it possible to accept and embrace ourselves as whole persons and share that with others?

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Who’s Your Best Friend? Pt. 1

Published by mhelbert on October 8, 2013

This is part one of a discussion I’ve been considering for quite some time. And, it has been one of the most difficult pieces that I’ve attempted to address. At this point I can only say that there will be at least a part two. Maybe, more. I will publish part two next week.

A couple of months ago I read a post over at Rachel Held Evans’ blog. It was a guest post written by Alise Wright entitled “Not ‘Just’ Friends -Thoughts on cross-sex friendship.” Alise has her own blog here. The piece was a critique of the common assumption that when women and men get together, they cannot possibly be friends because the ‘sex thing’ will always rear its hoary head. I read the post and comments. I chased several links through many other similar posts by other authors. And, I noticed that this topic was addressed mostly from a women’s perspective. Other than a few comments, I did not find any posts written by men about this. While I thought this was a tad odd, I was not surprised. I find that, in a broad generalization, men are somewhat reluctant to discuss matters that touch on ‘cross-sex’ friendships. So, I thought that I would offer some reflections from my very male perspective.

I can only speak to those of us who live in Western culture. For much of the world, gender roles are specifically delineated. For instance, in parts of the Muslim world, women are totally segregated from men. Different clothing and different rules for appearing in public are written into civil law. In these instances the kinds of relationships I want to discuss are simply not possible.

However, in the West we are not subject to such strictures. Overtly, there is an understanding that women and men are equal and, therefore, are able to seek whatever companionship and camaraderie they desire. (Although, covertly there is still a long way to go before ours is a truly egalitarian culture.) But, are we able to simply ‘be friends’?

The embedded clip from the movie “When Harry Met Sally” is actually a pretty accurate assessment of what many people think. In the circle that I’ve been a part of for the last 30 or so years people will swear by this. It’s the gospel. Men and women cannot be trusted to be together outside of state and church sanctioned wedlock. And, to be quite honest, I have experienced the difficulties and consequences of relationships like this. They can be extremely precarious. As I was training for various ministry positions and even at seminary, we were often told that the best rule to protect oneself and one’s reputation was to simply avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex. (Or, with someone who is the gender that one is attracted to.) This ‘necessary’ precaution would provide a barrier against ‘impurity’ or even the appearance of impropriety. In practice this would mean that pastors and counselors could not meet with these people behind closed doors. Or, at the very least, windows should be installed so that nothing could be hidden from view. Meetings with cross-sex colleagues and coworkers should be avoided. And, never, ever was it appropriate to go to lunch or spend non-official time with them. These rules were put in place to protect individuals from following their inherent ‘lust’ from spilling out and contaminating everyone.

This way of thinking has naturally grown out of what has become known as the ‘purity culture.’ In this culture two characteristics predominate. The first characteristic is that women are Jezebel seductresses who dress and act in ways that are designed to capture men’s imaginations and cause them to stumble and fall. Members of this culture decry the way women dress, particularly in the summer or in warm climates. I heard one church leader say from the pulpit that he hated summer for that very reason. This position not only objectifies women in a negative way, it opens the door for shaming that always demeans and silences women. The second characteristic is not unlike the first. This suggests that men are weak, carnal beasts who cannot control the sexual lusts and desires that the seductress women cause them to have. (Please note, it’s the women who bear the onus of this charge, not the men.) Both of these characteristics diminish people and marginalize them. The scriptures tell the story of humans created in the ‘image of God,’ as eikons who represent God on Earth. Granted, humanity is fallible. We are not far removed from other animals. We are, in a word, sexual beings. But, to reduce us to the two characteristics mentioned above is to caricaturize people. It also tends to cause folks to obsess over the issue of sexuality. Much like telling your child not to eat the cookies, continually telling people that they must avoid any kind of behavior that may smack of impropriety may, in fact, draw them into it. I think that there must be a better way to address cross-sex relationships. A way that not only honors marriage and family, but that allows people to express their love and friendship freely and without all of the baggage of the ‘purity culture.’

In my next post I will share some of my thoughts and reflections about how we may have and enjoy these relationships. I would also like input from readers.

How do you view cross-sex relationships? Do you think that it is even possible to have them and not engage the ‘sex thing’? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

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Therefore, What God has Joined Together…Sometimes Gets Broken

Published by mhelbert on August 2, 2013

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” These words written by the apostle Paul to the folks who followed Jesus in Rome are included in his description of what a community of people who are being transformed from those who live according to the rules of human culture into a spiritual community. These people, he stated, were in actuality part of a single ‘body.’ They were a unified whole in which each part was dependent on the others for their very existence. This is a way of viewing our interdependence with others that has, for the most part, been lost to Western culture. It has been also lost in the one place that one would expect to find it…the Church.

We followers of Jesus have been known for a long time as one of the few groups who shoot their own wounded. When life gets tough and some of us struggle to move, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, we often accuse, shame, and shun that person. I’ve seen this happen in others. And, I’ve experienced it personally.

Please understand that my intention is not to bash anyone. I know these people. I have been these people. They have good hearts and desire more than anything to serve God. But, we all get caught up in a righteous fervor from time-to-time that makes it difficult to get past the letter of the law to the graciousness that God has exampled for us in Jesus.

With that being said, I am going to turn my attention to divorce. I am not going to quote statistics other than to mention that the divorce rate among people who follow Jesus is pretty much the same as those who do not. Some say that anywhere from one third to one half of all marriages end in divorce. Whatever polls are used, that adds up to a lot of hurting people.

How should we respond to this? Should we follow the letter of the Scriptural prescription? Jesus made it very clear that divorce was not God’s intention for people. He is recorded as saying, “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” There’s nothing ambiguous about that statement. Divorce is not an option that God desires. Many people in the church read this statement written by Matthew and conclude that divorce is therefore a sin. God said it. I believe it. That settles it. But, what does that look like in real life?

I had a friend many years ago who was in an abusive marriage. At times she feared for her safety. She and her husband went to church leaders for help. Much of what they received in counsel was that the husband needed to learn to love her sacrificially, just as Jesus loves the church. And, the wife had to submit to her husband no matter what. That meant that she was told to stay with him, abuse or no. At one time she became so afraid that she left to find a safe place to stay. She was commanded by the church leaders to return to her husband. Confused, hurt, and shamed she acquiesced and like a good little wife, went back.

After time, however, the fear and tension in that home became too much to bear. She moved out and began divorce proceedings. Shortly after this she received a letter from the church leadership stating that if she and her husband moved forward with a divorce they would be considered to be actively sinning and would no longer be welcome in the church. They did divorce and are now both remarried and seem to be doing very well.

The reason that I used this example is to demonstrate, what I feel, is a pastoral fail. Again, I don’t intend this to be a personal attack on any particular group of people. This kind of Biblicist action takes place in many churches. The thought being that if Jesus has apparently condemned some action or behavior, we must condemn it, also. After all, the Bible is God’s word and we don’t want to go against that.

Ok, well, let’s take a look at how Jesus handled a situation where the letter of the law, God’s word, was called as a witness. In the Gospel according to John there is a story about a woman who was caught in the act of adultery. A group of religious leaders dragged her before Jesus and explained, rightly, that the law demanded that she be stoned to death. After all, Torah was God’s word. Jesus realized that. At no point did he deny that Moses had written that adultery was a capital offense. He could have simply agreed with those men and righteously condemned the woman. But, he did not do that. Instead, he turned the issue into an opportunity to show all of the people that we are all fallible and subject to error. In essence he said, “Let the person who is without sin throw the first stone.” No one came forward. In fact, all of the accusers turned and walked away. In the end, no one was left to condemn her. Jesus, then, said, “I do not condemn you either.” He sent her on her way with an encouragement to stop sinning.

Jesus did not do away with the law. He set it aside in order to pour out compassion on a hurt and confused woman. He reinterpreted the text in the context of real life with real people who have real needs. Yes, the Bible is clear on Jesus’ feelings about divorce. We, however, need to recognize that what Jesus said is an ideal. How we apply that must be tempered with compassion. One commentator wrote, “Only an unjustifiable Biblicism will force the idealism of New Testament ethics in a cruel and heartless manner by an adamant insistence upon the teaching of this passage, (Mat.19:3-12), as merely a collection of detailed laws.”

Whatever position on divorce someone takes, we as people who desire to follow Jesus must look closely at the things that Jesus did, not just the words that he spoke. As the quote at the beginning of this post states, we must show empathy, not judgment when our sisters and brothers are hurting. We are, after all, sewn together in a glorious tapestry of humanity. Each joined to the other in the love of God through Jesus.

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