All of us go through periods when the light seems to be far off and obscured. We spend time in introspection wondering what ever happened to the joy and innocence that existed so very long ago. Anger, frustration, hurt and shame seem to be constant companions. How in the world did my life turn out like this? This question is one that I’ve been asking myself. Why have I taken every opportunity to shoot myself in the foot? I look in the mirror and really don’t like the person staring back at me.
I approached God about this. “Why,” I asked, “haven’t things ‘worked together’ for my good?” Now, I know that some will ask me why I’m counting lemons when there are so many cherries around. So, yes, I’ll concede that not all things are a downer. But, those things are external. What I’m talking about here are the internal things. The feelings and emotions, thoughts and dreams that make us human seem to have fallen in the desert where they shrivel and die.
Then God began to show me the flaws and imperfections, some deadly, that existed throughout the Cosmos.
Tectonic shifts, volcanic activity, super-novas, meteors and asteroids crashing into planets and each other. The universe is a very dangerous place. Yet, look at the beauty that can spring forth from these ashes. Beautiful islands and majestic mountains are created by the natural ebb and flow of the earth’s molten core. Great nebulae expanding out from some great cosmic explosion. From these new stars or planets may even be birthed.
Then God said, “I love all of this! The forces, great and small, that work together to create and recreate reveal the life that I have shared with all things. Yes, some of the forces destroy. Yet, even in death there is the seed for new life. You are no different. With the darkness and struggle you find yourself in is a spark that promises creation of new things.”
Has this changed how I feel? No. It has, however, given me something to consider. Perhaps, in time I’ll be able to fully embrace who I have become and not mourn the loss of innocence. Perhaps, not. That’s tomorrow’s concern. I’m having enough difficulty dealing with here and now.
I really don’t know if any of this makes sense. Or, if it’s just more ramblings of a mad man. But, I suspect that I’m not alone in all of this.
Definitely not alone in that musing. While I am not UNHAPPY in the place I find myself now, I wonder also at the path I’ve wandered to get here, and a lot of that involves amazement at my own stupidity. Maybe that’s a normal part of aging. I don’t know as let’s face it, I’ve never been this age before; yet I know folks who seem (at least externally) to be completely untroubled by such questions. Maybe certain types of folks – those of us who are already prone to introspection – have a harder time with midlife and Wondering Why.
Thanx for sharing, Sis! Yeah, that could be that some of us are blessed, (cursed?), with and introspective bent.
However, that doesn’t alleviate the feelings that seem to well up from some place deep with my very core of being.