I’ve got to share that the last 3 months have been rough. I don’t know why. Things were going great as I worked my way through the Ignatian Exercises. Then…Lent. The Exercises took on the texts of the last week of Jesus’ life. Then, the crucifixion. Everything went dark. All of my experiences prior to this had been wonderful. Then, the heavens became bronze.
That’s where I’ve been for the last few months.
I want to share a journal entry from 7/8/14. Please know that I am not usually very open with my feelings. I’ve been ‘bitten’ for this more than once. But, I don’t think that I’m alone.
“Still wish that this sojourn would end. I feel so much shame & anger that life suck.
Is this all there is?
Internal suffering that just won’t end?
I look for peace & solace in the written word & in drink.
Yet, both are selfish.
Or, so I’m told & told & told…
There’s no peace for me with people or stuff.
God seems far off & somewhat aloof.
I do wonder sometimes if there truly is a God.
But, then I can’t believe that this life is all that there is.
I remember past experiences where God seemed to be real.
Was the God? Or, just my mind?
The prophet Albus Dumbledore once said, “ Of course it’s all in your mind! That doesn’t mean it’s not real!”
In my mind I can travel to distant lands. Hell, I can travel to distant galaxies
I can imagine the multi-verse. Fairies, gnomes and other mythic creatures fill my senses with withes & sounds no other person can sense.
So, why am I held hostage by this life filled with “reality”? When will I actually believe & act on what I see as reality?
Seriously, bro, you sound so much like me in this post it’s scary…except for the depth of the feelings. Right at this moment, for me, there’s no anger or shame or anything quite so strong…just a general numbness and exhaustion. I’m too darn tired to feel much of anything.
I can say this, though… You are not alone in what you feel. The “dark night of the soul” is not a unique experience (other than how each person experiences it); saints through the ages all describe similar times. I know it’s not exactly consolation while this lies heavy on your heart, but at the least you’re in good company.
And ya gotta admit that fairies and elves are fun…