Category: Rants

God Is Not A Prude

Published by mhelbert on November 7, 2019

I don’t know why this thought popped into my brain.
But, it did.
Yesterday during my quiet time in the morning this showed up.
So, like so many other times, I tried to simply let the thought wash away and got back to prayer.
And, like so many other times, this thought persisted.
I can take a hint.
I let the idea swim around in my mind while I brought it to God.

I’ve known for a long, long time that nothing we humans can do will surprise God.
Especially since the Incarnation, God has had a pretty good handle on the foibles we humans share.

Example?

Ok…

God has heard the word “Shit” before.
God is not shocked at that.
Nor, is God offended by it.
It’s a word.
And, a pretty damned good one, too!
See what I did there?
Yeah, God’s not too concerned about that word, either.

In fact, the more that I’ve gotten to know God, the less I find really does cause offense.
At least, among the things that seem to get people all bent out of shape.

You see, we humans like to set boundaries and elect gatekeepers to keep the inside of our little world all pure and white.
The gatekeepers, then, define what is acceptable and unacceptable.
And then?
Surprise! They tell us that God is the One Who sets the standards for our boundaries.
God is the One Who tells us what is pure and impure.

And, people actually believe that shit!

But, like I said, God is not surprised.
Nor, I think, overly concerned about what we think is boundary-worthy.

Let me get back to that boundary and gatekeeping thing.

If God is not taken by surprise by what we say or do.
And, if God is really intimate with how humans think.
Then, why are we so freaked out by how people dress or act with one another?

I know, that was quite a shift from language to clothing.

But, it all has to do with purity and who sets the boundaries.

And, that’s key.

Who doe set the boundaries?

It doesn’t take too much work to see the answer to that.
Cultural boundaries are set by those who wield the power.
And, those people are almost always men.

Yep, men.
We can narrow that down even more. They are men who are members of the dominant culture.

Now, of course women’s voices have been raised in the past.
The Women’s Temperance Unions of the 19th century are an example.
It’s important to note, though, it was male leadership who put temperance and blue laws into effect. Maybe, just to keep the peace at home?

Anyway…

Men are the ones who have asserted their dominance by setting boundaries that seek to control the culture. That includes things like what women wear; how women decide what’s best for themselves and their bodies; what women are allowed to do and where they can go.

If you noticed a common feature in those examples, go to the head of the class. (For those of you who didn’t…IT’S WOMEN!)

Men have asserted their power and control over women for as long as written history tells us. And then they tell everyone that this is what God wants.
“We have no choice but to obey!”

But, is God concerned about things like this?

I’m gonna say NO.
I really don’t think that God is concerned with our purity laws and rules.

In fact, I think that God is more concerned about the lack of love that the boundary makers and gatekeepers have toward others.
I think that God is concerned about the systems that we humans have developed in order to control others.
I really think that if God can be pissed off, that would do it.

But, I’m not sure that God is angered by our piss-poor treatment of one another.
I truly think that God is saddened by it.
God has tried to get our attention for ever.
God has come right out and Told us what God considers important.
And, guess what?
Our piddly little rules about purity aren’t in there.

What is?

Justice for widows, orphans, and strangers.
Hospitality. Caring for those who get trampled along the way. Using wealth for the benefit of everyone, turning the other cheek.

Oh! And, how about this one…
Do to others what you would want them to do to you!!!

God gave us two things to use in setting boundaries.
1. Love God. And, do it with everything ya got!
2. Love your neighbor as you would love yourself.

That’s not too difficult to understand, is it?
How about let’s allow what God has actually revealed to us as important guide us in how we treat each other and the world around us?

I think those boundaries would work pretty well.
Because, Everyone would be on the inside.

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Ideabola

Published by mhelbert on October 30, 2019

“Burn!” cried the mob as the book pyre blazed in the night.
“Death to Infidels; heretics; free thinkers!”

Death?
Books can die?

This sentiment seems to be making a resurgence in some parts of the world. I mean, it’s never really been far from us.
The some churches still believes that Harry Potter poses an existential danger because of the whole witches and wizards thing.
At other times books that some so-called authority deemed ‘subversive,’ (re. Doesn’t agree with my opinion), have been collected and set ablaze as a public rebuke to anyone who might harbor similar positions.

But, books are not ideas.
They may, at best, be the vessels in which ideas travel.
Ideas, though, are by their very nature untouchable.
And, incurable.

Ideas are like a virus that spreads by getting inside of a person at a cellular level, invading and capturing the minds of those who are exposed to them.

Ideas become a part of a person’s DNA. They are, by nature, invasive.

Yet, not foreign.

Not harmful.

In fact, they can produce vitality and health in those who harbor them deep within their hearts and minds.

Ideas CANNOT be stopped by destroying the vessels that carry them.

Even if those vessels are living, breathing human beings.

That, too, has been tried. How many “heretics” have been burned; fed to lions; hanged; drowned?

And, yet, the ideas live on.

“But,” some say, “ideas can lead people astray! They can put a person in harm’s way!”

Astray?
NO! Emphatically, NO!
Ideas may open our minds to other ideas.
They may cause our minds and hearts to grow 2 sizes larger.
They may make us more empathetic.
But, astray? Nuh uh.

Ideas are what make us humans in the first place.
They are the engine that pushes us forward.

Yes, ideas can also give some people reason to hurt, maim, or destroy.
But, it will also be an idea that counters those who would act in that way.

Ideas are like a virus.
They will infect us.
They will change us.

The question that remains is, how will we embody these ideas?
How will we live in a world where Ideas live, thrive, and yes, Infect?

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Security? I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Security!

Published by mhelbert on October 24, 2019

Today’s Tuesday.
Yesterday, well, that was Monday.
And, I didn’t post anything.
Sorry if the 2 of you who actually visit here missed me.
But, I was unable to write.
Not because I was too busy with other tasks. That’s never really stopped me before. If I have something that needs to crawl out of my brain and onto the Internet, Well By Gawd, I’m gonna get it out there!
No, I had different impediments. Stuff that does, in fact, keep the crawly stuff locked up inside.
First, I haven’t been sleeping well. And, Sunday into Monday I was working on about 5 hours. That’s after weeks of maybe 6 hours on average. My mind simply said, “Nope. Not thinking today. And, there’s nothing you can do about. Nya Nya Nya.”
And, my mind was right. There was nothing gonna shake any words loose.
The other thing happening was that I was an emotional wreck. My mind said it was too tired to write, but, Hoo Boy, not too tired to race around like a squirrel on crack. I could not have put two cogent thoughts together if my life depended on it. Thankfully, it didn’t.

So, what’s going on?

I’ve shared a little bit about the journey that I’m presently walking. Emotions, Passions, Thoughts, you know, all that sensitive artist kind of crap. And, I have to tell you, this journey is fraught with all kinds of pits and obstacles and beasties and such.
But, it is a journey that I must undertake. Now. At this time in my life.

I’m finding that with all of the hope that I had earlier in life to embody Mr. Spock from Star Trek, I am too human. My emotions leak all over me like the oil pan of one of my old cars used to leak all over my driveway. And, these emotions can be just as much of a sticky mess and hard to clean up. Maybe, harder.

I’ve discovered that I am hyper-insecure. As I look back over my life and look deeply into my heart, I have always been like that. I fear rejection, for sure. More importantly, I think that I fear not being accepted.

So, I push for responses that might give me a glimmer of hope that you, (whoever that is), might give me that I’m not the waste of skin that I feel that I truly am.
I say and do things that we both will regret. Not because I’m a creep or some narcissistic boor. But, because I’m afloat in a sea of doubt surrounded by the dense fog of uncertainty.

Now, some shrink may look at me and say something about how I must have felt rejection when another child was brought into my childhood home. Mom and Dad had to set me aside so they could include the newly added soul.
Or, they might say that there is a hidden memory and wound from being given up by my birth mother for adoption. Lord knows I’ve heard that before.

Or, maybe, just maybe this is how I’m wired. Nothing broken. No wounds or hurts. It’s just part of my Melancholic personality type.

Honestly, I don’t know where the roots of insecurity lie. Don’t know if it’s even important to know. The fact is, this is where I am and I need to deal with it.

Deal with it?
What’s that mean?

Hell, I don’t know.
Fix it?
Heal it?

Learn to embrace it and live with it?
Maybe, someday be able to celebrate it?

I honestly don’t know.
And, I may, (re. Probably), never know.

I do know, however, that I am what I am and that’s all that I am.
So, the journey continues.

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Broken??? Nope.

Published by mhelbert on October 22, 2019

Have you ever had one of those moments of clarity when suddenly, as if and epiphany, various and discordant seeming thoughts coalesce into a complete image?

No?

Nor have I.
But, this morning as I was quietly sitting in my office, dark except for the light of a few candles, I began to put some pieces together about who I am that I’ve only seen as disparate thoughts, now here; now gone.
I mentioned in some earlier posts that I’ve been doing some much needed introspection. It’s much needed because I think that over years and decades we become immune to the passions and voices that at one time helped to form us into the people that we now are. Some people refer to this as “adding baggage.”

So, I’ve been taking an inventory of sorts. I began to recall memories from as far back as I can. It seems that “helping” my dad build a fence when I was 4 yrs. old is one of the earliest.
Part of doing this kind of exercise is to look for patterns and triggers that may provide clues to why I am who I am today. It can be an interesting and fun endeavor, to be sure.

But, the overarching “Why?” for taking this path may be more problematic.

You see, it begins with the assumption that something Must Have Gone Wrong at some time. Because, I am obviously broken and in need of repair.
At least, that’s the impression that I’ve been given by people around me. Including, and especially, those closest to my heart.

So, the introspection became a forensic investigation. I was a sleuth looking for clues of a crime that I surely must have committed. Else, why am I like I am? If I had not done something wrong, taken a turn when I should have gone straight, then I would have turned out much differently. (re. ‘Better.’)

Well, I haven’t found anything that stands out.
I’m beginning to think that I never really did.

That fact has been the result of many different thoughts, feelings, and memories that I have sorted through. And, continue to sort.

I found that in this world that seems to be established as one where there are Round Holes and Square Holes, I’m a bit of a rhomboid.
I will obviously not fit into a Round Hole. I don’t care if it’s a circle, and egg, or an oval. My harsh, straight-line corners won’t allow that.
I won’t fit into a Square Hole, either. I don’t have the requisite right angled corners for that.
I am, what Lewis Black might say, “askeeeeewwwww.”

That’s all well and good.
It helps me reconcile myself to myself.”
“Hello, Mike? Meet Mike!”

Where the rub comes, though, is when others can’t seem to get past my Rhomboidishness. They think that in a world with only Round and Square Holes someone like me is an aberration. I MUST BE BROKEN!
So, they get out the saws and the sandpaper and go to work on fixing me.
They don’t realize that all they are doing is destroying who I truly am.

For most relationships, I can simply walk away. They don’t ‘get’ me, whatever that means. And, I really don’t have the time nor need to deal with them.

But, if you want to know me.
If you want to be with me.
If you want to Love me.
Well, be forewarned.

Because, if you think that you will ‘fix’ me, then we are headed for a relationship in which neither of us will be happy and both will be frustrated.

I wrote before that I must echo the wise words of the old sage, Popeye:
“I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”

I’m tired of trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of my own.
Selfish?
Ok, if that’s how you want to view it.

I, however, see it as Self-Preservation with a Hope to Flourish.

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When Sleep Eludes

Published by mhelbert on October 21, 2019

I’ve had a hard time sleeping recently. I don’t know why. It could be lots of different things that conspire against me to keep me awake. I can fall asleep initially OK. But, I awaken several times during the night. And, I find that those are the times when I find it bloody near impossible to reclaim my repose.

My mind just won’t shut the hell up.

Thoughts appear, disappear, reappear…it’s frustrating.

But, sometimes a fruitful thought arises out of the mists of frustration.
This past weekend held one of those times.

I woke up a tad past midnight Sunday A.M.
Got up and walked around a bit. Then, lay back down.
As I lay there, hoping and praying to find my way back into my dreamscape, a kernel of an idea began to germinate in the, now fully awake, fertile soil of my imagination.

Some time ago the priest at the church I attend had asked if I might be willing to share a homily. (That’s ‘sermon’ for the non-liturgical set.) I told him that I would give it some thought. I’m pretty much a newbie there and have yet to become a confirmed member. I took his request seriously. I’ve found over the years that people like him seem to have a sense of things that I many times miss. So, I tend to listen when they speak.
As I considered things, an idea began to develop. I chewed on it a while. Then, set it aside because I decided that if I was to share anything I would wait until after my November confirmation. Then, probably, wait until after Advent and Christmas. No hurry to develop those nascent ideas.

Well, it seems that my brain decided a different tack was in order.
So, while I lay awake this past Sunday A.M., the idea grew and developed into a full-blown message ready for harvest.
Of course, everything that people think in the middle of the night seems like a grand masterpiece of rhetorical genius.
This was no exception.
I probably lay there for 2 hours rehearsing that thing over and over and over in my mind.
Finally, I had to say STOP!
There were things that I needed to do Sunday A.M. that were to begin at 5 A.M.
Sorry, laying awake until 2 wasn’t helping.

But, the foundation was laid.
I spoke with the priest after the service to let him know of my intent.
He smiled. I think he knew that I’d eventually figure out that his request was a good and necessary one.
Yeah, we’ll see how he feels afterwards! ;o)

Perhaps, I’ll share some of these thoughts here over the next while.
Throw them against the wall and see what sticks.

For now?
I just wanted to share a bit about the processes that my troubled, over-tired brain takes as it decides to drive.
Good stuff sometimes grows in there.

But, right now?

I really need a nap!

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For Love of Self and Beast

Published by mhelbert on October 13, 2019

I mentioned in other posts that I’m trying to get to know myself a wee bit better.
Emotions; passions; the hidden bits and pieces that we human folks work so hard to keep locked up.
I don’t know why this has become something of a necessary project with me.
Perhaps, the effort of keeping the beasties at bay is just becoming to tiring for me.

We all do it.
It’s nothing new.
Bill Shakespeare wrote in the play As You Like It, “All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players…”
If we’re honest with ourselves, we KNOW that’s absolutely true.

The ancient Greeks used masks in their dramas to indicate, not only who the character was, but also what kind of character it was.

We still do this today.

As I sat this morning in prayer, I talked to Yahweh about this. I said, “This is me.” Then, quoting the great sage Popeye, I told God, “I am what I am, and that’s all that I am.”
Then, I told God, “It’s Yours. All the darkness and the beasties that are within.”

Now, such confession is well-known in Churchy circles. Folks beat their breasts and cry out to the Void, “O, Lord! I am a Sinner! Please forgive me and take my life for Your Glory!”
Or, something like that.

These folks then get to make some new masks.
Masks of piety and righteousness.
Masks that allow them to communicate spiritual-sounding platitudes while concealing the reality.

The Beasties still live.

But, the masks allow us to appear as something we really aren’t.
We can say, “It’s not about the money at all. It’s about the Ministry!“
Or, “God gave me this book so that He can use it for His Glory!”
(Whatever that really means.)
I could go on and on and on, ad nauseum. But, I’m sure that you get the point.

We are, for the most part, False.

Let that sink in for a moment.

In virtually all of our social dealings, we put on personas that we think will fool those around us and portray as as ‘good’ and ‘virtuous.’
Hell, no one want to appear in negative light! It’s human nature!

And, it keeps the peace and allows us to actually interact with one another without strangling each other.
So, masks do serve a social purpose, I guess.

Where the real rub lies, though, is when we actually start to believe that what the masks portray is the true reality.

I’m not a selfish S.O.B.! Look, I deny my own needs every single day! I am “Altruistic Man”! Yippee!

Not only do we delude ourselves, we try to delude God.

(Spoiler Alert: God’s not fooled.)

Yet, we continue to think that if God just gives us an injection of Holy Spirit we will, in fact, become that other person. We believe that somewhere deep down inside there really is a Divine spark that will transform us into a person saturated with and dripping with Godly virtue.

Not happening, is it?

I mean, when we take off the mask we’re still ourselves. Aren’t we?
We’re still selfish and carnal and angry and, and, and…

We are not going to become anything that we have not always been.

Human.

And, that’s OK!

God never asked us to become “Virtue Person,” or “Spiritual Person.”

We are asked to be honest.
With ourselves. With others. With God.
Because, God loves us as we are. Dirt under our fingernails and everything.
We have no reason to hide. No need to be anything other than who we are.
Period.

Maybe, we should all just sit back and get to know ourselves. To accept and love ourselves.

God does.

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Lost Potential

Published by mhelbert on October 4, 2019

There is a myth that states that people only use about 10% of their mental resources. That idea has fueled many science fiction books and movies. I’m reminded of an old episode of the Outer Limits where David McCallum was the subject of an experiment. In the episode human evolution was sped up. He developed enhanced mental abilities. We all knew that because his head grew larger to accommodate the increased brain mass.

Even though the myth about brain usage persists, I think that many of us do have a piece of us that is woefully underutilized. And, I think that this deficiency is a tragedy.

Human Potential.

Yep. Simple.

Let me share a little of what I mean using myself as an example. Note: I’m not saying that everyone falls into this. But, it certainly is common.

I am what some folks would call a “Creative.” I guess that means that I have an artistic side that hangs over my belt, or something. One person I knew would refer to those like me as ‘sensitive musicians.’ He used that as a pejorative. In fact, people who aren’t artists or musicians or writers or whatever do tend to hold us up to some degree of ridicule. (Actually, I think they fear us. But, that’s another story.)
Believe me, we are acutely aware of the criticisms aimed at us. For some reason we are especially susceptible to these critiques.
So, many times when presented with the option of living inside of our imaginations where we build worlds and launch symphonies or keeping some sort of peace with normal people, we simply acquiesce and do nothing.

Lost potential.

There are other times when our minds are so full that our heads and hearts feel like they’re going to explode. But, so many times we’re just not allowed to open the tap and let the pressure out. Eventually, the effects of stuffing our creativity turns us into mannequins. We’re not much good for anything except gathering dust and hanging clothes on.

Again, potential…Poof!

In my case, I get to come home every night and plop my skinny butt into a chair and watch television. Now, that doesn’t sound like a terrible thing, right? I work all day and some think that it’s a nice thing to get home and chillax. You know, unwind after a long day and all of that stuff.
The problem is that I really hate the television. It can pretty much turn into a mind-numbing activity that I’m pretty sure was invented by aliens to lull us into a comfortable stupor so that they could show up and take over the world.
But, I take part in this daily exercise in futility for one reason. To keep the peace.
Like so many other creatives, we don’t do well with conflict. I avoid it like the plague.
But, at what cost?
Well, there’s the obvious cost of my own piece of mind and happiness.
There may be a larger cost that no one ever really considers.

The loss to societies and cultures.

What do you think the world would look like if Michelangelo had given into critics?
“Sorry, Pope Julius, it’s not a good time for me. Too many demands on my time. After all, I have to watch the water in the river flow past. Nothing better than that.”

What would I do if given the chance?
Write? Make music? Think? All of these?
No, these things don’t look like they would produce a lot.
Is the loss of these things worth the cost of keeping the peace?

I don’t know.

I guess we’ll never know.
I have to watch the news now.

Lost potential.

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Random Thought for a Friday

Published by mhelbert on September 27, 2019

In the car for my morning commute, my mind sometimes wanders into strange and mystical places. Today I found myself considering a strange word. One that is tossed about without a second thought. A word that I think may be one of the most misunderstood, and frequently ignored, in our language.

That word is “Vow.”

Merriam-Webster defines it:

“a solemn promise or assertion

specifically: one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition.“

As I considered this word, I began to wonder why we use it. Some religious sects use it to bind individuals into some kind of ‘priesthood’ or other religious community like a monastery or convent. This, they claim, binds the person into service, (servitude?), for life. (Sometimes with devastating effect. But, that’s another story.)

Others swear vows of chastity until a certain time or event, like marriage. There are those who “swear off” alcohol, tobacco, or other substances that they consider harmful to their life and well-being.

Some courts of law require that witnesses get “sworn in,” vowing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

But, my mind led me to consider those vows that one may make at a young age that are considered binding for life. Because, I don’t really think that these are either helpful or realistic in real life.

It’s been said by people way smarter than I am that the only thing that is completely constant is change. People grow. Environment changes. Opinions are altered over time. Our journey is not static by any means.

So, if as a young man I swear to abide by certain vows, when I grow older and the world in which I live moves on, I may find myself stuck between growing with the world or holding on to some words that I spoke in a different time and place. I am not talking about ‘fairness.’ As in, that wouldn’t be fair. No, I’m talking about reality.

In recent years there has been a lot of news about certain clergy abusing others. Others who are usually most vulnerable to abuse. The shame and condemnation that are felt by all involved can be horribly devastating. Here is a person who Swore and Oath, who Made a Vow! Look at what has happened!

Now, not only is the innocent victim traumatized by this and may never recover fully. But, the Vow has been shown to be false and meaningless.

My question is, why make it in the first place?

Jesus, himself, told people NOT to swear or make oaths. He said that folks should simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when asked whether they would do something. Yet, we continue to insist on swearing and making oaths that there in no way can possibly be honored until death. The world doesn’t sit still for anyone.

Would it not be better to enter into a community or vocation or some other institution with intent to follow and live according to whatever conventions are in place until such time as the world turns? Then, with all seriousness and consideration be able to say, “It’s time. Time for me to move on. Time for me to move away from the temptations that plague me and deal with who I am and what I am Now called to do. And, most importantly, to be able to do that with honor and dignity. To be blessed by those who we’ve shared a short season with. To grow with the world without the shame and guilt that comes from “breaking the Vow.”

Yeah, I think that would be much better.

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Broken?

Published by mhelbert on September 19, 2019

STOP!

I’m not an object that you can “fix”!

I am who I am. So, deal with it or go away!

I’m not interested in your boundaries. “Who is right? Who is wrong?”

It just doesn’t matter to me.

So, get off it!

You look at me as a problem to be solved. A piece of broken pottery that, maybe with a little Super Glue, you can build me into something that makes sense to you.

Sorry, but NO!

I AM NOT BROKEN!

I AM!!!

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Introspection

Published by mhelbert on September 12, 2019

I’m getting older.

Ok. That’s no surprise to anyone. We all are.

But, as I approach retirement sometime next year, I’ve spent considerable time in self-reflection. I search within to see if there actually has been any purpose to this life of mine.

I find little there.

Yeah, I followed the path that stretched before me. A path, by the way, that was mapped and defined by minds and wills other than my own. I have had my shares of humanity’s ubiquitous ‘Ups and Downs.’ Clearly, nothing out of the ordinary. I experienced many things that others have not. Some good; some not so much. Overall, my time walking this life has been functional, yet nondescript.

I have not had to struggle like so many in the world. Creature comforts have been available to me. I don’t need to walk 5 miles to a common well in order to have water to drink. There are several taps in my house that readily deliver that life sustaining liquid. Nor, am I required to sit and beg or dive into dumpsters for food. My local Mega Mart has everything that I could possibly want or need to satisfy the grumbling in my gut. Clothes, shelter, family…all of the things that seem to define the so-called American Dream have materialized before me.

So, what do I lack? For I must lack something.

In all of my travels and experiences I have never truly experienced happiness.

Maybe, happiness is simply overrated. I was told many years ago that as a Christ follower I should have something called ‘Joy.’ They said that happiness is nothing but a counterfeit version of Joy. We should not seek that at all.

But, when in every waking moment it feels like I have a Dementor from the world of Harry Potter sitting on my shoulder, well, something is amiss.

People I talk to about this don’t understand. They look at the stuff I have and the things that I’ve experienced and tell me that I should be glad.

Yet, the emptiness, the sadness remain.

“See a doctor and get some medication because what you describe sounds like simple depression that can easily be treated.”

Nope. Been there; done that. Medication doesn’t help. It only flattens my emotions until I feel nothing at all. Better to feel pain than everlasting numbness.

“Jesus is the answer to all of your problems.”

I’m sorry to say that’s simply not true. Contrary to what so many in the fundagelical world say, there is no God Shaped hole in us that only Jesus can fill. But, there does seem to be something that is missing. But, God isn’t it.

“Eat, drink, and be merry,” Qoheleth encourages. For what else is there for humanity to enjoy? Well, I can do one of those three things. Drinking is off the table because, well, I’m a recovering alcoholic and that wouldn’t be a good thing. Be merry? Well, that’s kind of the point of this post. Being merry eludes me.

Now, before anyone decides that I must be broken and that you are the one person in the world appointed to fix me.

Don’t. Please.

I’m not broken.

Sad? Yes.

Lonely? Ok.

Unsatisfied? Definitely.

But, this is how I feel. And, yes, feelings matter.

I have no intention of throwing in the towel and surrendering to despair. I also have no intention of lying to myself about my own reality.

Yeah, I’m getting older. But, as Dylan Thomas wrote,

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I intend to follow his lead.

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