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Month: February 2020

When It Rains, It Pours…Then, Tsunami

I think that we have the makings of a pretty amazing comedy!
We can call it, “The Life and Times of An Average Guy.”
It will tell the story of a person who led the most average kind of life you could imagine.
Married; Kids; Soccer; Work…you know, Average.

Then, after nearly 50 years in the Average work force, earning average wages after average daily commutes, this average guy decides it’s time to take his average retirement.

No biggie.

Average.

With a capital “A.”

Then, two months before said retirement he goes for an Average, Routine health exam and all of that Average stuff that he had been accumulating over the Average years of his Average life was suddenly thrown into the spin cycle of the Cosmic Washing Machine.

Shit.

Here’s the latest update.
I wrote yesterday that I had met with the surgeon who is going to perform the necessary surgery to remove the cancer in my colon.
He told me that he is going to put a few holes in my abdomen and remove about 12″ of my colon.
Of course, this is still contingent on the MRI that I mentioned yesterday.
I should be in hospital 3-5 days, or until the newly routed plumbing begins to function.
Then, I was told that I could return to work in 5 weeks.
FIVE WEEKS!!!!
I told them that I just sit in front of a computer all day.
They said, “Oh. Ok, 4 weeks.”

Taken by itself that doesn’t sound too bad. After all, I will be recovering from a major surgery. And, when they put holes in your belly, that can be real painful for a long time.
I get it.

But….

That time restriction takes me right up to my retirement date.
So, what that means is that the 7 weeks that I had planned for is suddenly 2 1/2.
It means that the time I have to train my replacement is cut.
Ok, we can deal with that.
It also means that I won’t have a paycheck coming in for that entire month.
That is more difficult to deal with.

Fortunately, the powers-that-be at the company I work for are going to work with me to see what options are available.

Do you want to know how I feel right now?
No, I didn’t think so.
I’m not even sure how I feel.
I’m being swept forward by a tsunami of Not Average Events that are really screwing up my Very Average Life.

Oh, we’ll get through it.
But, it’s gonna take an Above Average Effort.

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Can Nothing Be Easy?

To state the obvious, this has been an interesting month.
It began with me looking forward to entering the world of the retired in about 8 weeks.
Now, I’m preparing to fight cancer.

Surprise!

On top of that, I’ve been struggling with some kind of virus that’s kicking my butt. I have slept maybe an hour out of the last 36.
Coughing, hacking, and not being able to breathe have helped that.
Then, there’s the stress and anxiety of dealing with the cancer.
Doesn’t lend itself to a restful night’s sleep.

Yesterday, I met with the surgeon who is going to treat me.
We talked about the results of the CT Scan.
That proved to be interesting.
In the report I read, it noted that there were a few small spots on my liver that were too small to identify.
The doc said that these are most likely simply cysts that are completely normal.
But, there’s always a “but,” he wants to be sure.
That means I get to have an MRI before they do the surgery.
Now, if the spots on my liver turn out to be cysts, or some other innocuous thing, then surgery goes on as scheduled.
If, however, they are not then the surgery’s off and we begin chemo.

Yippee.

We won’t know for 2 more weeks.
More waiting and not knowing.

I also saw my cardiologist. He needs to give me clearance to have anesthesia. He ordered a nuclear stress test.
Another layer of Pain In The Ass.

The surgeon’s office gave me a folder full of instructions that I must follow to the letter before the procedure.
I thought prepping for a colonoscopy was interesting.
I ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

By the time I got home from seeing these docs I just wanted to jump up and down and scream, “F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!” and break things.
I’m frustrated, angry, sad, bummed, anxious, scared, and a myriad other emotions.
I know that this is a normal reaction to this kind of, what?, disruption?

No one plans for these things.

It’s part of being human.

We hit bumps in the road. (Or, in this case, the road ends and you fly over the cliff).

I’ll get through this.

But, c’mon already!

Sorry.
This has been my rant for the day.
Hopefully, now I can get some sleep.

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Presence. Always, Presence

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Yeah, I know, that may be understating things just a tad.
On top of the cancer concern I am also battling a sinus thing that has pretty much kicked my butt.

I’m not asking for sympathy or anything.
It’s simply part of walking in this skin suit. We get sick. Big deal; so what?

I do want to share an observation, though.

This morning as I was taking time to sit in the silence and reflect, I realized that I have not taken time to be “present” with God. My normal practice of waking in the early hours of the morning and focusing my heart and mind on Yahweh’s Presence had been interrupted. Hacking; coughing; unable to breathe. These things can be a distraction.

Yahweh, however, had still been Present with me.

Yeah, I know all of the so-called spiritual sayings and platitudes that folks like to riff on. “God is an ever present help in time of trouble” is a favorite among the uber-spiritual.
We say that to folks who seem to struggle with their problems and their relationship with God.
“Buck up, Buddie! God’s still with you! Could you pass the mustard, please?”

How many of us have taken the time to sit with that idea?
Have any of us really contemplated what it actually means when we read or hear, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”?

To be clear, I don’t think for a nanosecond that this Presence of God resembles anything like the Cosmic Killjoy who is just watching, waiting for us to screw up.
“Busted! I know what you were thinking! Ten demerits and a trip to Hell for you!”

Nor, do I think that Yahweh is sitting behind a Judge’s bench waiting expectantly to pass judgement on everything that we have done or thought.

Unfortunately, that’s what so many of our Sisters and Brothers have been taught. God uses the same technology as Santa Claus. “I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. I know if you’ve been bad or good…”

In this picture, God is a Cosmic Voyeur just waiting for us to screw up so that we can get what we so richly deserve.
Punishment.

No, No,No!!!!

I can’t say No enough times to that image of Yahweh.

Sitting this morning with my pen in hand, jotting thoughts into a book that no one will ever read, (at least not while I’m still breathing), I had an over-powering sense of Yahweh’s Presence.
As I confessed that I had neglected my own presence with God, I was assured that God was, and always will be, Present.

I was not condemned nor convicted of any wrongdoing.
Yahweh did not chew me out for my absence.
I wasn’t sent to the corner for a time out.

No.

Yahweh lovingly assured me that nothing, no illness or other distraction, would or COULD distract God’s Presence from me.

Sit with that thought for awhile.
Please.

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Words Are Important

I’ve written about this before.
In the movie, “Brother Sun; Sister Moon,” there is a line spoken by the character of St. Francis that goes something like, “Words. I used to believe in words.” The implied meaning being that words no longer have meaning to him.
While, in the context of that story I can see what that screenwriter was trying to do, elevate action above mere talk, I find that I can’t necessarily agree with the sentiment.

Words are important.
They convey meaning from speaker to hearer.
Words can start and end wars.
They can also sooth and calm those who are distressed.

So, I place a great deal of importance on words.
As a wannabe Wordsmith, I try to choose the appropriate words and fashion them in such a way that the idea I am trying to communicate is done with clarity and meaning.

I know that it’s hard in this day of Instant Messaging and e-mail to put much stock in clear communication. We want to hit that ‘Send’ button as quickly as possible. It’s our texting version of trying to get a word in “edge-wise.” We want to make sure that ours is the last word spoken. After all, our own opinion is the best and most important.

It concerns me, then, how those to whom we look for information and enlightenment are so bad at using Words. (Yeah, I’m looking at you @BetsyKling! “Nother” is NOT a word!)
We have become a semi-literate culture that emasculates the language. Then, we wonder why we are misunderstood.

I admit that I don’t always get words right. I may choose one that is not clear in meaning. I may string together sentences that don’t make sense.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t see the importance of clear communication.

That brings me to the actual topic of this post.
(Yeah, I know, you are all waiting for me to make a real point. Here it comes.)

Yesterday, I received the preliminary results of a CT Scan that I had done last week.
The docs wanted to see if the cancer in my colon had spread, or metastasized, to any other part of my body.
The report reads, ” NO DEFINITE METASTATIC DISEASE IN THE ABDOMEN OR PELVIS.”

At first blush, this is a beautiful statement. The cancer is still contained in the original location. Cool! Let’s go in there and pull that sucker out!
Let’s do it NOW!!!

But, our language is strange sometimes.
Look closely at the above statement from the report.

What, exactly, does “DEFINITE” mean?
To me, that’s a qualifier.
It tells me that there may, in fact, BE some kind of spreading that they simply are not able confirm definitively.

See how words work?

I really wish that they would have written, “No Metastatic Disease Present.”
Or, even, Yes, there is evidence of it.

Now, my mind is thrust back into the land of Not Knowing.

Maybe this is normal for people who are diagnosed with a disease like cancer.
Our minds may simply kick into gear and continually ask, “But, what if?”

I guess we’ll find out for sure soon.
I meet with a surgeon later this week to determine what next steps must be taken.

Until then, I guess there’s no definite resolution to this.

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It’s Monday, Only Different

Here we are. It’s Monday again. You know, that day that comes after a weekend.
It happens every week about this time.
Folks bemoan it, “Oh, man! I gotta get up and go to work! I wanna Sleep!”
Others are a tad more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, “Yay! A new week! Let’s Go!!!”

For most of us, it’s just another day in a long string of days that sort of blur together.

This Monday marks one week since I had that colonoscopy thing that revealed cancer.

And, I really don’t know how or what to feel about that.

The first couple of days my gut was tied up in knots. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My mind racing all over the place.
“What’s next?”
“How do I fight this?”
“Why me?”
I didn’t fall into that category of people who try to deny the reality of their illness.
I was ready to put up my fists and kick some ass.

But, I was in that Betwixt and Between place of knowing and not knowing.
I knew something was not right…but, not for sure.
The doc said that it was probably cancer.
Probably.
I waited four days in that place until I got the official word.
Yep, cancer.
Now, even though I now know kind of what I’m up against, I still must wait.
I had a CT Scan to see if the cancer has spread.
Waiting on results.
I have a date with a surgeon.
Waiting for that day.

Living in this Twilight World is hard.
My heart goes out to those of you who have already experienced this.
It’s no longer day.
It’s not quite night.
It’s something else.

So, no, I don’t know how I should feel right now.
After the initial shock I guess that I just feel numb.

Not denial. Just numb.
Not angry. Still numb.
Not really anxious. Numb again.

As an aside, this is really an interesting dive into what’s involved with being human.
I’ll post more thoughts on that later.
For now, I do appreciate your consideration during this time.
Those whom I trust I know will walk with me.
The rest? I hope that they will be moved to care for themselves and their loved ones.

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“Think” Is Not A Dirty Word

I’m not going to post every day about my health. I know, I know, you’re all waiting with bated breath to find out the next tidbit of information about my new war with cancer.
I will continue to update that regularly.
But, this is my blog and I get to decide what to write about.
And, today I want to spend a little time to talk about ‘Thinking.’

Specifically, thinking in the context of the Church.

I’ve shared some about my current journey with the community at St. Barnabas and the Episcopal Church.
I have been walking with them for almost a year and a half.
And, I am enjoying the journey a lot.

This morning I was talking with someone who has been a regular at the Sunday morning Bible Study that I help out with. She shared that she had never attended any kind of Sunday School before. For whatever reason, they never interested her. This study, though, seems to have piqued her curiosity. She stated that what I bring to the study is a desire to make people think.
As we continued to talk she mentioned that Thinking seemed to be what inspires me to lead this way. That I seem “at home” here because of that.

I thought for a second.
You know, she was right.
One of the things that I really appreciate about the Episcopal Church is that it is not afraid of ‘thinking’ people. It’s not afraid of questions. And, more importantly, it’s not afraid of Paradox or Ambiguity.

I think that lies at the heart of how the Church should truly be.

I have been in churches where the leadership tells parishioners how and what to think. Several years ago one pastor told us that, although he couldn’t tell us how to vote from the pulpit, if we wanted we could see him after the service and he would be happy to convey that information. The scariest part of that would have been if anyone actually took him up on it.
These church leaders try to make themselves out to be the chosen oracles of God on Earth. People are expected to hear their words as Gospel.
Yeah, I know, many of them pray before they speak that only the words that God would desire should come out of their mouths. At best, this is a false humility that anyone with a brain should see through. The pastor is going to say whatever was prepared, God’s words or not.
The biggest problem with that is that all of the words that are spoken after such a prayer are then regarded as God Ordained. After all, God allowed them to be spoken! Right?
Wrong.
On so many levels that’s wrong.
But, that’s a subject for another post.

What I want to emphasize here is that churches with authoritarian leadership want everyone to accept what they say as the Certain Words and Position of God.
No questions will be accepted.
No other opinions are welcome.
God said it, (through them); I believe it, (Cause they said so); That settles it, (got no choice!).

The Episcopal Church, however, is not like that at all. While there are boundaries, as there should be, anything within those bounds is up for discussion. I am welcome to think for myself and assert my own thoughts on any number of topics regarding God, Jesus, the Church, and anything else that presents an interest to me.
Perhaps more importantly, I am allowed to give others the same grace and latitude to think and believe as they are led by God’s Spirit.
After all, isn’t that what this is all about?
Being led by God’s Spirit?
Trusting that God speaks through the multitude and not simply the ordained?

“Think” is Not a dirty word.

“Think” is a Gift from God that we are obligated to do.

“Think” is how we emulate God whose Image we are.

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Engage!

LOS ANGELES – JANUARY 8: Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION episode, “The Hunted.” Season 3, episode 11. Original air date, January 8, 1990. (Photo by CBS via Getty Images)

First, I want to say Thank You for your gracious outpouring of support. I do appreciate it a lot.

The main reason that I want to share what’s happening with me with all of you is to emphasize the importance of screening and preventive measures. Colon cancer is extremely common. And, it’s one of the most treatable cancers. That is, if it’s caught early enough. (Hopefully, mine has. We’ll see next week.)
Yet, even though these facts are true, many, if not most, people will never get tested.
I don’t mean those mail-in poop-scoop tests that are advertised on T.V. While any action is good, the only truly accurate way to detect the illness is by colonoscopy.
You may say, “Ewww! They stick a camera up your butt!!!”
Well, yeah they do.
They also give you versed. That alone may be worth the test.

People complain about the costs involved.
Those without health insurance are afraid.
Right now, I believe that the basic test is considered a Wellness Visit. So, there’s no copay and whatever insurance you do have covers the entire cost.
Now, if there’s any kind of treatment that must be done, like pathology or any complications, you may be liable for that.

But, what are the consequences of NOT getting tested?

Actually, for a lot of folks there will be none.
They will never have any issues at all.
Good for you all!
You’ll also never know for sure, will you?

For the rest of us?
Colon cancer kills.
That’s the alternative of not getting tested.
By the time symptoms become too great to ignore, it’s likely too late to treat successfully.

So, the point of all of this?

If I am one of the fortunate who can be successfully treated and become cancer free, then I hope this story encourages you to see a doc soon. Especially, if you are high risk.
Ask your doc what that means or do a simple Google search on risk factors.
Then, we can celebrate my success together.

If, however, I find that things have turned sour and I’m not one of the successful ones, then I hope that what I share will: 1) Still encourage you to get screened. DO IT!!! 2) share with you the inevitable part of our human journey that none of us gets a pass on.

In any case, I really hope to be encouraging through all of this.
If my experience helps anyone else avoid this, then Yay!
And, I expect that sharing this will be therapeutic for me.
Processing the whirlwind of facts and feelings can be overwhelming. Sharing these, writing them down, helps me to sort through them and manage them more effectively.

So, if you would be so kind, Follow this blog for updates.
Feel free to comment your own thoughts and feelings. Particularly, if you’re impacted by something yourself.

So, now, let’s get started! In the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard…

“Engage!”

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Surprise! Look What We Found!

I shared a few weeks ago that I will soon be joining the ranks of the Retired. After nearly 50 years working in commercial printing, I’m hanging up my computer. I will be spending more time with, well, this computer.
We have been working to prepare for this. Getting the finances squared away; signing up for medicare; gloating about it to my co-workers. You know, all of the important stuff.

And, things seem to be progressing nicely.

But, as with most things in life, the things that we don’t see are the ones that tend to impact us most.
We try our best to prepare for every contingency. What if the water heater blows up the day after I retire? Can we pay for a new one?
Check!
How about the car?
Check on that, too!

How about your health?
Well, I’ve got that dicey cardiac thing pretty much under control. So, yeah, Check!

What about your cancer?

Wha?!? Who?!?
What cancer?

The cancer that’s been growing in your colon, dummy!

But, I don’t have any cancer!!!
I eat right and exercise and don’t engage in high risk activities!
I even get regular colonoscopies to make sure that nothing’s happening!

Well, you did skip a year and a half.
Right?
You were supposed to have a scope in 2018. But, no, there was something else going on. And, the previous two scopes had been clear. Nothing to worry about. Right?

Wrong!

This past Monday I went in for my routine, but belated, colonoscopy. I wrote a bit about it here.
Afterwards, the Doc came in to give us the results.
There were a few polyps. No biggie. They snip them off and we’re good to go.
There was something else, though.
A mass in the ascending colon.
They took a biopsy and sent it to pathology.
The doc, however, was pretty sure what we were looking at.
Cancer.

Yesterday I received the results of the pathology.
Yep, suspicions confirmed.

Not how I had planned to begin my retirement.
Hell, not in any plans for anything at all!
But, there you go.
The things you don’t see are the ones that can derail you.

What now?

Today I go for a CT Scan to see if this bugger has spread.
Hopefully, no.
We have hopefully caught it early enough that it is self-contained.
If it has not spread, then next week I meet with a surgeon to go over how they will remove it.
The best case is that they will take it out and I will live happily ever after. The way things are going, though, I’m not overly confident.

Right now I am consumed by conflicting emotions. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how I SHOULD feel!
I know there are folks out there who have experienced exactly what I am. I don’t want to be a whiner and do the whole, “Woe is me!” thing. Especially when you are dealing with far worse.

But, we each process things in our own way.

My way is going to be to process it here.
I want to share this experience.
Well, not SHARE it. I can assure you that you do not want this!
I want to share my experience with you.
What’s happening physically?
The tests and the doc’s reports and surgery.
All the good stuff that cancer patients get to have.
What’s going on emotionally?
What thoughts and feelings are racing around in my head…my body.
It looks to be a roller coaster ride that rivals anything at Cedar Point.
What is this doing to form me Spiritually?
Where is Yahweh in all of this?
IS Yahweh in ANY of this?

So, for the next little while I’m going to write about these things.
Sure, I’ll still write the other stuff, too.
But, this is important right here; right now.

I invite you to come along with me on this journey!
Lord knows that I can’t walk it alone.
Your company is appreciated.
I also encourage you to share this and invite others to come along.
This is part of our shared human experience.
So, Please, share on your social media, at the dinner table, with co-workers…anyone and everyone.

Hopefully, in a little while I’ll be able to share with you OUR victory over this thing.

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Generations Lost

Yesterday I reflected a bit about how nature and nurture can conspire to bring about dysfunction. See here. There is no doubt that we all carry baggage that was put upon us by those who came before us. Nor is there any doubt that we will pass some kind of burden to those who follow.
What is important is that we recognize that for what it is and accept our own responsibility in the process.
And, I think for most people who, like me, belong to the dominant culture there can be a real possibility that we can have a pretty good and fulfilling life.

But, what if the damage was not within a couple generations?
What if those who were hurt were not damaged by their own human frailty?
What if that hurt was imposed on them by forces well beyond their own abilities to cope?

Imagine with me that you are out on an errand. Perhaps shopping for food to feed your family.
Suddenly, men with guns walk out of the shadows and force you into a van.
They take you to some private dock by the ocean where they chain your hands and feet and force you onto a small ship.
Onboard, you find several hundred others like you. They are chained and packed together like so much cargo.
For, that’s exactly what you all are.
Cargo.
After several weeks at sea, and after much sickness, hunger, thirst, and death, you finally make landfall.
Forced from the ship you are taken to a warehouse.
There, men who look nothing like you and who speak a strange language that you cannot understand are pointing and shouting.
Some of them come up to you and force your mouth open so they can inspect your teeth. They poke and prod you in places that are private.
Humiliated, sick, hungry, and without hope, you soon find yourself in another vehicle that takes you to a large factory where you are put to work.
Long hours and little food become your life.
After some time, you find a person with whom you begin a relationship.
Those with whom you work and live celebrate as you and your new-found partner begin a life together.
Soon, children are born.
There is Joy, albeit guarded. You are still held captive. Those who lord it over you make sure that you never forget that you have no rights…no life…outside of the work.
Then, one day, your partner and children are gone.
They have been sold in order to pay a debt.
Your heart is ripped from your chest as you wail and mourn this loss.

Now, multiply that for generations over more than 200 years.

How great is the damage that has been done to generation upon generation.

And, we dare say, “That’s all in the past! Get over it!”?

Or, say you and your people have lived in a certain place for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. You have culture with deep roots in the soil, in the lakes, in the trees, and in the other creatures who share the land.
One day a group of strange people with weapons enter your village.
They tell you that the land you are living on no longer belongs to you.
You must move or be destroyed.
They force you and all of your people to travel by foot for days upon days upon weeks.
Many of your friends and family fall by the wayside. Unable to keep up they are simply jettisoned by your captors as so much refuse.
Eventually, you are released into a new land that looks nothing like where you came from. Your life, your culture, your heart is gone.
After awhile, others come along and tell you that your God is no God. That you must accept their god or you will be destroyed.
More of your life ripped from you and trampled under foot.
Soon, others come and gather the children.
They take your sons and daughters, your lifeblood; your hope; your future and take them away to boarding schools.
These are places where the dominant culture says that they will, “kill the Indian and save the man.”
Your language and culture are systematically destroyed in front of your eyes.
And, there is not a thing that you can do about it.

We DARE say to these people, “Oopsie! Sorry! But, you’ll get over it. Just get a job and start earning a living. Then you can be happy! Just like us!”

How deep are the hurts for these Generations Lost?

Can we not have empathy?
Cultures and lives were destroyed because of greed and lust for power.
And, now we wonder why there is rampant drug and alcohol use within these communities? We seem utterly surprised when some of these people rise up with guns and harm themselves and others.
How blind must we be to think that after all that these Human Beings have been through that they can simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get on with life?

I have no answers. My people have created this mess. So, I actually have no rights to even suggest answers.
The healing can only begin when we stop talking and start listening.
Listen to those who are hurt by generation upon generation upon generation of abuse, mistreatment, death…genocide.
Let them guide us in how we should, or even IF we should, be part of the solution.

One thing that we can do, though, is to stop trying to tell these People how they should feel and act. It is Their pain, not ours. It was their lives and cultures that were ripped from them.
Not Ours.

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From Generation to Generation

It’s odd how certain thoughts and ideas pop into your head.
Churning and turning over and over and over….
See how the myriad facets of that thought present their varying colors and perspectives. Sewing themselves into the fabric of your mind.
Amazing!

What does that have to do with anything?
Well, this morning my mind wandered to how one generation’s life and experience influence those that follow.
I know that this is something that we in the West don’t often consider.
We think that each person is an individual who is capable of building her life on her own. Through hard work and grit people can slough off any and all encumbrances and create a successful life…for themselves.

But, is that an entirely accurate idea?

I’m not so sure.

My Dad’s mother died when he was very young. His father remarried.
Eventually, his father, an alcoholic, left them and moved away. So, he was raised by his step-mother.
It was late in his life when he told me anything about that time in his life.
His step-mother was truly a bitch. She abused him in passive-aggressive ways that left lasting scars.
As a result, he withdrew into himself.
He became known to others by his quietness. His high school yearbook noted that he didn’t say much, but what he said was profound.
He never experienced true intimacy with anyone.
Yeah, he had a special relationship with my mom. His love was as deep as the ocean. His devotion to her unwavering. But, even with her, he held his feelings close to himself. It seemed that only after his mind began to fail him toward the end of his life that he began to open that long-closed box that contained his heart.
Nature and Nurture.
Joined to create a New Thing.
Dysfunction.

As I wrote before, I was adopted.
I was torn from my mother and placed in an institution.
I was given to my adoptive parents while still and infant.
But, damage was done.
All of the experts agree that attachments are necessarily created, bonds of love and trust, at this early age.
Although my adoptive parents cared for me, gave me their name, and provided stability and security for me, they will always be at best High Level Foster Parents.
It seems that only those who do the adopting consider that their new child is truly theirs. No one who keeps these stats and stories ever really asks those who were adopted. No one seems to really consider our insight into our own lives.
I don’t want to take anything away from my mom and dad. They loved me and supported me in their way. I will always have deep gratitude for the life they provided and the sacrifices that they made.
But, the ability for me to make intimate links with anyone was diminished. If not totally destroyed.
I withdrew into myself.
I tried to emulate Mr. Spock. Suppressing my emotions, stuffing my feelings, became my ultimate goal.
We all know that’s an impossible task.
Rather, my emotions raged like a class 5 hurricane. They found no true or constructive outlet. So, as I worked to contain the storm within, damage was done.
Nature and Nurture.
Joined to create a new thing.
Dysfunction.

Those are two generations in which similar circumstances created similar narratives.

My brain goes to these places as I try to come to grips with dysfunction, not only in my own life, but in my family and among my friends.
There is something to the idea of generational influence. For good or ill; better or worse.
These are things that we have absolutely no control over. They have been handed to us by those who came first.

We can, however, make choices on how to engage these things.
I know that I will never be able to experience a truly intimate relationship with anyone. There are too many issues deeply embedded in my soul to allow that.
But, I can push myself to learn new ways to deal with that.
The first and perhaps most important way is to be honest with myself about these things.
Second, I can learn to forgive those who preceded me. Both the one who gave me away and the ones who took me in.
They are no more perfect than I am. I have to be able to extend them the grace to be human.
Third, and perhaps most important, I must learn to forgive myself.
Because I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, my own “sin,” it’s easy to find myself swimming in an ocean of guilt and shame.
That’s hard.
The guilt and shame were truly earned.
But, I can’t…I mustn’t…live there.
That compounds hurt upon hurt.
That leads to death.
Spiritual; emotional; physical.

We give too little consideration for anything beyond the tiny sphere in which we live.
We think, mistakenly, that we are an individual who is a self-contained entity with no ties to anything outside of ourselves.

That’s a lie.

Don’t believe that for an instant.

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