Breaking the Chains that Bind

But, What If?

Published by mhelbert on February 18, 2020

Folks who know me understand that I have no qualms about asking questions.
Tough questions.
Of anyone.
For any reason.

Most of the time I ask questions in order to evoke reflection.
I’m not really challenging anyone.
I want them to think deeply about what they are saying or doing.
And, questions open up the possibility of discussions.
Discussion is always good.

Especially, for someone like me.

You see, many times I have no idea what I think about something until I actually say it out loud. (Or, write about it. Like now.)
So, in forming and stating questions I am more able to process the internal thoughts that roam free upon the ranges of my mind.

I take this same approach when I speak to, and about, God.
Hey! I heard that collective gasp out there!
“What?!? You question God?”

Sure. Why not?
Do you really think that God is afraid of my questions?
Perhaps I might catch God off guard with something?
One time I said to a pastor of the church I was attending that God is OK with our questions.
His response?
“Well, maybe. But, I wouldn’t push it.”

Push God?

How exactly does a person “Push God”?

Anyway, that said, I want to get to the real reason for this post.
(The mark of a true writer is to be able to write a whole bunch of words before making a point. It boosts word count.)

Most of you know that I’m currently dealing with colon cancer.
It’s like going to a party and receiving a White Elephant gift.
“Ok, now what am I supposed to do with this purple Bobbing Bird?”
Many people have expressed their concern and have said that they will keep me in their thoughts and prayers.
I appreciate this sentiment. It reveals our common concern for others. We’ve all suffered through one thing or another. So, we try to empathize with those who are currently suffering.
So, to all of you, a heartfelt, “Thank You”!

But, what if……

There are a lot of people out there who think that all they need to do is garner enough faith and pray. They think that God will then miraculously heal them.
If they follow the correct procedure, according to their unique reading of Holy Scripture, God is almost obligated to heal them.
“But, God said if I have faith like a mustard seed I can tell this mountain to throw itself into the sea! And, it will! Hallelujah!”
I don’t know about you, but I haven’t seen a lot of heavenly landscaping recently.
These same people have built million dollar industries on the fear of people.
Folks get sick. The diagnosis is dire.
Benny Hinn says, “God will heal you!” as he puts his hands on your head.
The emotions of the moment are overwhelming.
You find yourself being helped to the floor by attendants who work for the scamvangelist.
People in the room and around the world see this and happily reach into their undernourished bank accounts to send money so that “God’s work can continue.”

But, what if……

God doesn’t work that way?

But, what if……

God’s only real promise to us is that,
“I will never leave you nor forsake you”?

But, what if……

God never intended for us to avoid all of the stuff, good and bad, that makes us human?

But, what if……

God understands our suffering and sorrows and will walk with us as we move forward?

I know that some folks will take issue with these thoughts.
Some may even question my faith.

But, what if……

God is not afraid of the questions?

4 Comments

Joy

Published by mhelbert on February 17, 2020

Yesterday morning I went to St. Barnabas, led a Bible class, and went into the sanctuary for the service.
Nothing unusual in that. That’s pretty much been my normal Sunday morning practice since last June.
I walked in and found my seat. Yes, we all have “our” seat, “our” place on the pew. And, heaven help that person who sits there before we get in! Don’t deny it!
“My” seat is at the back of the sanctuary.

The service began as it always does. We stand for a hymn while the priest and acolytes walk to their places at the front of the church.
A couple of prayers were offered. Then we sat down to listen to the readings that were selected for this particular morning.

As I sat there, I gazed around at the people who were all sitting in “their” seats. Their faces were all pointing toward the lectern where someone stood, reading words from our Holy book.

My heart became suddenly light.
Joy welled up within me as I watched these people.
Around 150 people had chosen to come here.
They chose to spend their time on this gloriously sunny morning in February together!

Later in the service as I knelt by the altar rail to receive communion, as the host was on my tongue, I looked back out over all of those people.

I smiled.

I thanked God for all of them. Every child. Every woman. Every man.

Why, I wondered, had they chosen to come here?
Why St. Barnabas and not St. Mattress?

In the early mornings, when all is quiet, I sit at my desk and seek God.
During this time I lift my hopes, dreams, concerns, and desires to the Heavenly Dwelling of Yahweh.
Daily, I remember the people of St. Barnabas.
Our priest and leadership.
Those who serve faithfully in myriad ways.

And, I always ask Yahweh to make St. Barnabas Church a beacon of Love, Hope, and Acceptance.
A lighthouse in the storms that rage, unseen, around and in each and every one of us.

Are these many people I watched yesterday, with all of their faults and foibles, all of their wounds and scars, all of their hopes for tomorrow, a result of prayers like mine?

Perhaps.

I can’t know for certainty.

What I do know, however, is that when I sat in that place, with all of those people, I felt God’s pleasure.

When It Rains, It Pours…Then, Tsunami

Published by mhelbert on February 14, 2020

I think that we have the makings of a pretty amazing comedy!
We can call it, “The Life and Times of An Average Guy.”
It will tell the story of a person who led the most average kind of life you could imagine.
Married; Kids; Soccer; Work…you know, Average.

Then, after nearly 50 years in the Average work force, earning average wages after average daily commutes, this average guy decides it’s time to take his average retirement.

No biggie.

Average.

With a capital “A.”

Then, two months before said retirement he goes for an Average, Routine health exam and all of that Average stuff that he had been accumulating over the Average years of his Average life was suddenly thrown into the spin cycle of the Cosmic Washing Machine.

Shit.

Here’s the latest update.
I wrote yesterday that I had met with the surgeon who is going to perform the necessary surgery to remove the cancer in my colon.
He told me that he is going to put a few holes in my abdomen and remove about 12″ of my colon.
Of course, this is still contingent on the MRI that I mentioned yesterday.
I should be in hospital 3-5 days, or until the newly routed plumbing begins to function.
Then, I was told that I could return to work in 5 weeks.
FIVE WEEKS!!!!
I told them that I just sit in front of a computer all day.
They said, “Oh. Ok, 4 weeks.”

Taken by itself that doesn’t sound too bad. After all, I will be recovering from a major surgery. And, when they put holes in your belly, that can be real painful for a long time.
I get it.

But….

That time restriction takes me right up to my retirement date.
So, what that means is that the 7 weeks that I had planned for is suddenly 2 1/2.
It means that the time I have to train my replacement is cut.
Ok, we can deal with that.
It also means that I won’t have a paycheck coming in for that entire month.
That is more difficult to deal with.

Fortunately, the powers-that-be at the company I work for are going to work with me to see what options are available.

Do you want to know how I feel right now?
No, I didn’t think so.
I’m not even sure how I feel.
I’m being swept forward by a tsunami of Not Average Events that are really screwing up my Very Average Life.

Oh, we’ll get through it.
But, it’s gonna take an Above Average Effort.

2 Comments

Can Nothing Be Easy?

Published by mhelbert on February 13, 2020

To state the obvious, this has been an interesting month.
It began with me looking forward to entering the world of the retired in about 8 weeks.
Now, I’m preparing to fight cancer.

Surprise!

On top of that, I’ve been struggling with some kind of virus that’s kicking my butt. I have slept maybe an hour out of the last 36.
Coughing, hacking, and not being able to breathe have helped that.
Then, there’s the stress and anxiety of dealing with the cancer.
Doesn’t lend itself to a restful night’s sleep.

Yesterday, I met with the surgeon who is going to treat me.
We talked about the results of the CT Scan.
That proved to be interesting.
In the report I read, it noted that there were a few small spots on my liver that were too small to identify.
The doc said that these are most likely simply cysts that are completely normal.
But, there’s always a “but,” he wants to be sure.
That means I get to have an MRI before they do the surgery.
Now, if the spots on my liver turn out to be cysts, or some other innocuous thing, then surgery goes on as scheduled.
If, however, they are not then the surgery’s off and we begin chemo.

Yippee.

We won’t know for 2 more weeks.
More waiting and not knowing.

I also saw my cardiologist. He needs to give me clearance to have anesthesia. He ordered a nuclear stress test.
Another layer of Pain In The Ass.

The surgeon’s office gave me a folder full of instructions that I must follow to the letter before the procedure.
I thought prepping for a colonoscopy was interesting.
I ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

By the time I got home from seeing these docs I just wanted to jump up and down and scream, “F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!” and break things.
I’m frustrated, angry, sad, bummed, anxious, scared, and a myriad other emotions.
I know that this is a normal reaction to this kind of, what?, disruption?

No one plans for these things.

It’s part of being human.

We hit bumps in the road. (Or, in this case, the road ends and you fly over the cliff).

I’ll get through this.

But, c’mon already!

Sorry.
This has been my rant for the day.
Hopefully, now I can get some sleep.

7 Comments

Presence. Always, Presence

Published by mhelbert on February 12, 2020

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. Yeah, I know, that may be understating things just a tad.
On top of the cancer concern I am also battling a sinus thing that has pretty much kicked my butt.

I’m not asking for sympathy or anything.
It’s simply part of walking in this skin suit. We get sick. Big deal; so what?

I do want to share an observation, though.

This morning as I was taking time to sit in the silence and reflect, I realized that I have not taken time to be “present” with God. My normal practice of waking in the early hours of the morning and focusing my heart and mind on Yahweh’s Presence had been interrupted. Hacking; coughing; unable to breathe. These things can be a distraction.

Yahweh, however, had still been Present with me.

Yeah, I know all of the so-called spiritual sayings and platitudes that folks like to riff on. “God is an ever present help in time of trouble” is a favorite among the uber-spiritual.
We say that to folks who seem to struggle with their problems and their relationship with God.
“Buck up, Buddie! God’s still with you! Could you pass the mustard, please?”

How many of us have taken the time to sit with that idea?
Have any of us really contemplated what it actually means when we read or hear, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you”?

To be clear, I don’t think for a nanosecond that this Presence of God resembles anything like the Cosmic Killjoy who is just watching, waiting for us to screw up.
“Busted! I know what you were thinking! Ten demerits and a trip to Hell for you!”

Nor, do I think that Yahweh is sitting behind a Judge’s bench waiting expectantly to pass judgement on everything that we have done or thought.

Unfortunately, that’s what so many of our Sisters and Brothers have been taught. God uses the same technology as Santa Claus. “I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake. I know if you’ve been bad or good…”

In this picture, God is a Cosmic Voyeur just waiting for us to screw up so that we can get what we so richly deserve.
Punishment.

No, No,No!!!!

I can’t say No enough times to that image of Yahweh.

Sitting this morning with my pen in hand, jotting thoughts into a book that no one will ever read, (at least not while I’m still breathing), I had an over-powering sense of Yahweh’s Presence.
As I confessed that I had neglected my own presence with God, I was assured that God was, and always will be, Present.

I was not condemned nor convicted of any wrongdoing.
Yahweh did not chew me out for my absence.
I wasn’t sent to the corner for a time out.

No.

Yahweh lovingly assured me that nothing, no illness or other distraction, would or COULD distract God’s Presence from me.

Sit with that thought for awhile.
Please.

Words Are Important

Published by mhelbert on February 11, 2020

I’ve written about this before.
In the movie, “Brother Sun; Sister Moon,” there is a line spoken by the character of St. Francis that goes something like, “Words. I used to believe in words.” The implied meaning being that words no longer have meaning to him.
While, in the context of that story I can see what that screenwriter was trying to do, elevate action above mere talk, I find that I can’t necessarily agree with the sentiment.

Words are important.
They convey meaning from speaker to hearer.
Words can start and end wars.
They can also sooth and calm those who are distressed.

So, I place a great deal of importance on words.
As a wannabe Wordsmith, I try to choose the appropriate words and fashion them in such a way that the idea I am trying to communicate is done with clarity and meaning.

I know that it’s hard in this day of Instant Messaging and e-mail to put much stock in clear communication. We want to hit that ‘Send’ button as quickly as possible. It’s our texting version of trying to get a word in “edge-wise.” We want to make sure that ours is the last word spoken. After all, our own opinion is the best and most important.

It concerns me, then, how those to whom we look for information and enlightenment are so bad at using Words. (Yeah, I’m looking at you @BetsyKling! “Nother” is NOT a word!)
We have become a semi-literate culture that emasculates the language. Then, we wonder why we are misunderstood.

I admit that I don’t always get words right. I may choose one that is not clear in meaning. I may string together sentences that don’t make sense.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t see the importance of clear communication.

That brings me to the actual topic of this post.
(Yeah, I know, you are all waiting for me to make a real point. Here it comes.)

Yesterday, I received the preliminary results of a CT Scan that I had done last week.
The docs wanted to see if the cancer in my colon had spread, or metastasized, to any other part of my body.
The report reads, ” NO DEFINITE METASTATIC DISEASE IN THE ABDOMEN OR PELVIS.”

At first blush, this is a beautiful statement. The cancer is still contained in the original location. Cool! Let’s go in there and pull that sucker out!
Let’s do it NOW!!!

But, our language is strange sometimes.
Look closely at the above statement from the report.

What, exactly, does “DEFINITE” mean?
To me, that’s a qualifier.
It tells me that there may, in fact, BE some kind of spreading that they simply are not able confirm definitively.

See how words work?

I really wish that they would have written, “No Metastatic Disease Present.”
Or, even, Yes, there is evidence of it.

Now, my mind is thrust back into the land of Not Knowing.

Maybe this is normal for people who are diagnosed with a disease like cancer.
Our minds may simply kick into gear and continually ask, “But, what if?”

I guess we’ll find out for sure soon.
I meet with a surgeon later this week to determine what next steps must be taken.

Until then, I guess there’s no definite resolution to this.

4 Comments

It’s Monday, Only Different

Published by mhelbert on February 10, 2020

Here we are. It’s Monday again. You know, that day that comes after a weekend.
It happens every week about this time.
Folks bemoan it, “Oh, man! I gotta get up and go to work! I wanna Sleep!”
Others are a tad more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, “Yay! A new week! Let’s Go!!!”

For most of us, it’s just another day in a long string of days that sort of blur together.

This Monday marks one week since I had that colonoscopy thing that revealed cancer.

And, I really don’t know how or what to feel about that.

The first couple of days my gut was tied up in knots. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My mind racing all over the place.
“What’s next?”
“How do I fight this?”
“Why me?”
I didn’t fall into that category of people who try to deny the reality of their illness.
I was ready to put up my fists and kick some ass.

But, I was in that Betwixt and Between place of knowing and not knowing.
I knew something was not right…but, not for sure.
The doc said that it was probably cancer.
Probably.
I waited four days in that place until I got the official word.
Yep, cancer.
Now, even though I now know kind of what I’m up against, I still must wait.
I had a CT Scan to see if the cancer has spread.
Waiting on results.
I have a date with a surgeon.
Waiting for that day.

Living in this Twilight World is hard.
My heart goes out to those of you who have already experienced this.
It’s no longer day.
It’s not quite night.
It’s something else.

So, no, I don’t know how I should feel right now.
After the initial shock I guess that I just feel numb.

Not denial. Just numb.
Not angry. Still numb.
Not really anxious. Numb again.

As an aside, this is really an interesting dive into what’s involved with being human.
I’ll post more thoughts on that later.
For now, I do appreciate your consideration during this time.
Those whom I trust I know will walk with me.
The rest? I hope that they will be moved to care for themselves and their loved ones.

“Think” Is Not A Dirty Word

Published by mhelbert on February 9, 2020

I’m not going to post every day about my health. I know, I know, you’re all waiting with bated breath to find out the next tidbit of information about my new war with cancer.
I will continue to update that regularly.
But, this is my blog and I get to decide what to write about.
And, today I want to spend a little time to talk about ‘Thinking.’

Specifically, thinking in the context of the Church.

I’ve shared some about my current journey with the community at St. Barnabas and the Episcopal Church.
I have been walking with them for almost a year and a half.
And, I am enjoying the journey a lot.

This morning I was talking with someone who has been a regular at the Sunday morning Bible Study that I help out with. She shared that she had never attended any kind of Sunday School before. For whatever reason, they never interested her. This study, though, seems to have piqued her curiosity. She stated that what I bring to the study is a desire to make people think.
As we continued to talk she mentioned that Thinking seemed to be what inspires me to lead this way. That I seem “at home” here because of that.

I thought for a second.
You know, she was right.
One of the things that I really appreciate about the Episcopal Church is that it is not afraid of ‘thinking’ people. It’s not afraid of questions. And, more importantly, it’s not afraid of Paradox or Ambiguity.

I think that lies at the heart of how the Church should truly be.

I have been in churches where the leadership tells parishioners how and what to think. Several years ago one pastor told us that, although he couldn’t tell us how to vote from the pulpit, if we wanted we could see him after the service and he would be happy to convey that information. The scariest part of that would have been if anyone actually took him up on it.
These church leaders try to make themselves out to be the chosen oracles of God on Earth. People are expected to hear their words as Gospel.
Yeah, I know, many of them pray before they speak that only the words that God would desire should come out of their mouths. At best, this is a false humility that anyone with a brain should see through. The pastor is going to say whatever was prepared, God’s words or not.
The biggest problem with that is that all of the words that are spoken after such a prayer are then regarded as God Ordained. After all, God allowed them to be spoken! Right?
Wrong.
On so many levels that’s wrong.
But, that’s a subject for another post.

What I want to emphasize here is that churches with authoritarian leadership want everyone to accept what they say as the Certain Words and Position of God.
No questions will be accepted.
No other opinions are welcome.
God said it, (through them); I believe it, (Cause they said so); That settles it, (got no choice!).

The Episcopal Church, however, is not like that at all. While there are boundaries, as there should be, anything within those bounds is up for discussion. I am welcome to think for myself and assert my own thoughts on any number of topics regarding God, Jesus, the Church, and anything else that presents an interest to me.
Perhaps more importantly, I am allowed to give others the same grace and latitude to think and believe as they are led by God’s Spirit.
After all, isn’t that what this is all about?
Being led by God’s Spirit?
Trusting that God speaks through the multitude and not simply the ordained?

“Think” is Not a dirty word.

“Think” is a Gift from God that we are obligated to do.

“Think” is how we emulate God whose Image we are.

2 Comments

Engage!

Published by mhelbert on February 8, 2020

LOS ANGELES – JANUARY 8: Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard in the STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION episode, “The Hunted.” Season 3, episode 11. Original air date, January 8, 1990. (Photo by CBS via Getty Images)

First, I want to say Thank You for your gracious outpouring of support. I do appreciate it a lot.

The main reason that I want to share what’s happening with me with all of you is to emphasize the importance of screening and preventive measures. Colon cancer is extremely common. And, it’s one of the most treatable cancers. That is, if it’s caught early enough. (Hopefully, mine has. We’ll see next week.)
Yet, even though these facts are true, many, if not most, people will never get tested.
I don’t mean those mail-in poop-scoop tests that are advertised on T.V. While any action is good, the only truly accurate way to detect the illness is by colonoscopy.
You may say, “Ewww! They stick a camera up your butt!!!”
Well, yeah they do.
They also give you versed. That alone may be worth the test.

People complain about the costs involved.
Those without health insurance are afraid.
Right now, I believe that the basic test is considered a Wellness Visit. So, there’s no copay and whatever insurance you do have covers the entire cost.
Now, if there’s any kind of treatment that must be done, like pathology or any complications, you may be liable for that.

But, what are the consequences of NOT getting tested?

Actually, for a lot of folks there will be none.
They will never have any issues at all.
Good for you all!
You’ll also never know for sure, will you?

For the rest of us?
Colon cancer kills.
That’s the alternative of not getting tested.
By the time symptoms become too great to ignore, it’s likely too late to treat successfully.

So, the point of all of this?

If I am one of the fortunate who can be successfully treated and become cancer free, then I hope this story encourages you to see a doc soon. Especially, if you are high risk.
Ask your doc what that means or do a simple Google search on risk factors.
Then, we can celebrate my success together.

If, however, I find that things have turned sour and I’m not one of the successful ones, then I hope that what I share will: 1) Still encourage you to get screened. DO IT!!! 2) share with you the inevitable part of our human journey that none of us gets a pass on.

In any case, I really hope to be encouraging through all of this.
If my experience helps anyone else avoid this, then Yay!
And, I expect that sharing this will be therapeutic for me.
Processing the whirlwind of facts and feelings can be overwhelming. Sharing these, writing them down, helps me to sort through them and manage them more effectively.

So, if you would be so kind, Follow this blog for updates.
Feel free to comment your own thoughts and feelings. Particularly, if you’re impacted by something yourself.

So, now, let’s get started! In the words of Captain Jean-Luc Picard…

“Engage!”

2 Comments

Surprise! Look What We Found!

Published by mhelbert on February 7, 2020

I shared a few weeks ago that I will soon be joining the ranks of the Retired. After nearly 50 years working in commercial printing, I’m hanging up my computer. I will be spending more time with, well, this computer.
We have been working to prepare for this. Getting the finances squared away; signing up for medicare; gloating about it to my co-workers. You know, all of the important stuff.

And, things seem to be progressing nicely.

But, as with most things in life, the things that we don’t see are the ones that tend to impact us most.
We try our best to prepare for every contingency. What if the water heater blows up the day after I retire? Can we pay for a new one?
Check!
How about the car?
Check on that, too!

How about your health?
Well, I’ve got that dicey cardiac thing pretty much under control. So, yeah, Check!

What about your cancer?

Wha?!? Who?!?
What cancer?

The cancer that’s been growing in your colon, dummy!

But, I don’t have any cancer!!!
I eat right and exercise and don’t engage in high risk activities!
I even get regular colonoscopies to make sure that nothing’s happening!

Well, you did skip a year and a half.
Right?
You were supposed to have a scope in 2018. But, no, there was something else going on. And, the previous two scopes had been clear. Nothing to worry about. Right?

Wrong!

This past Monday I went in for my routine, but belated, colonoscopy. I wrote a bit about it here.
Afterwards, the Doc came in to give us the results.
There were a few polyps. No biggie. They snip them off and we’re good to go.
There was something else, though.
A mass in the ascending colon.
They took a biopsy and sent it to pathology.
The doc, however, was pretty sure what we were looking at.
Cancer.

Yesterday I received the results of the pathology.
Yep, suspicions confirmed.

Not how I had planned to begin my retirement.
Hell, not in any plans for anything at all!
But, there you go.
The things you don’t see are the ones that can derail you.

What now?

Today I go for a CT Scan to see if this bugger has spread.
Hopefully, no.
We have hopefully caught it early enough that it is self-contained.
If it has not spread, then next week I meet with a surgeon to go over how they will remove it.
The best case is that they will take it out and I will live happily ever after. The way things are going, though, I’m not overly confident.

Right now I am consumed by conflicting emotions. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how I SHOULD feel!
I know there are folks out there who have experienced exactly what I am. I don’t want to be a whiner and do the whole, “Woe is me!” thing. Especially when you are dealing with far worse.

But, we each process things in our own way.

My way is going to be to process it here.
I want to share this experience.
Well, not SHARE it. I can assure you that you do not want this!
I want to share my experience with you.
What’s happening physically?
The tests and the doc’s reports and surgery.
All the good stuff that cancer patients get to have.
What’s going on emotionally?
What thoughts and feelings are racing around in my head…my body.
It looks to be a roller coaster ride that rivals anything at Cedar Point.
What is this doing to form me Spiritually?
Where is Yahweh in all of this?
IS Yahweh in ANY of this?

So, for the next little while I’m going to write about these things.
Sure, I’ll still write the other stuff, too.
But, this is important right here; right now.

I invite you to come along with me on this journey!
Lord knows that I can’t walk it alone.
Your company is appreciated.
I also encourage you to share this and invite others to come along.
This is part of our shared human experience.
So, Please, share on your social media, at the dinner table, with co-workers…anyone and everyone.

Hopefully, in a little while I’ll be able to share with you OUR victory over this thing.

10 Comments

Breaking the Chains that Bind Posts