Midnight.
Sleep eludes.
It runs and hides from the Maelstrom of my Mind
Menacing.
Thoughts.
Images.
Emotions.
Rushing, Churning.
“When will it stop?!”
Awake and restless.
Like a Horizontal Square Dance,
“Toss to the left; Turn to the right.
Sit up straight; Awake all Night.”
“Please, Yahweh, Let Sleep, Blessed Sleep
fall upon me.”
Yet, here I am still.
Waiting.
Hoping.
Praying.
“Please, help.”
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To state the obvious, this has been an interesting month.
It began with me looking forward to entering the world of the retired in about 8 weeks.
Now, I’m preparing to fight cancer.
Surprise!
On top of that, I’ve been struggling with some kind of virus that’s kicking my butt. I have slept maybe an hour out of the last 36.
Coughing, hacking, and not being able to breathe have helped that.
Then, there’s the stress and anxiety of dealing with the cancer.
Doesn’t lend itself to a restful night’s sleep.
Yesterday, I met with the surgeon who is going to treat me.
We talked about the results of the CT Scan.
That proved to be interesting.
In the report I read, it noted that there were a few small spots on my liver that were too small to identify.
The doc said that these are most likely simply cysts that are completely normal.
But, there’s always a “but,” he wants to be sure.
That means I get to have an MRI before they do the surgery.
Now, if the spots on my liver turn out to be cysts, or some other innocuous thing, then surgery goes on as scheduled.
If, however, they are not then the surgery’s off and we begin chemo.
Yippee.
We won’t know for 2 more weeks.
More waiting and not knowing.
I also saw my cardiologist. He needs to give me clearance to have anesthesia. He ordered a nuclear stress test.
Another layer of Pain In The Ass.
The surgeon’s office gave me a folder full of instructions that I must follow to the letter before the procedure.
I thought prepping for a colonoscopy was interesting.
I ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
By the time I got home from seeing these docs I just wanted to jump up and down and scream, “F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!, F#@K!” and break things.
I’m frustrated, angry, sad, bummed, anxious, scared, and a myriad other emotions.
I know that this is a normal reaction to this kind of, what?, disruption?
No one plans for these things.
It’s part of being human.
We hit bumps in the road. (Or, in this case, the road ends and you fly over the cliff).
I’ll get through this.
But, c’mon already!
Sorry.
This has been my rant for the day.
Hopefully, now I can get some sleep.
Here we are. It’s Monday again. You know, that day that comes after a weekend.
It happens every week about this time.
Folks bemoan it, “Oh, man! I gotta get up and go to work! I wanna Sleep!”
Others are a tad more bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, “Yay! A new week! Let’s Go!!!”
For most of us, it’s just another day in a long string of days that sort of blur together.
This Monday marks one week since I had that colonoscopy thing that revealed cancer.
And, I really don’t know how or what to feel about that.
The first couple of days my gut was tied up in knots. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My mind racing all over the place.
“What’s next?”
“How do I fight this?”
“Why me?”
I didn’t fall into that category of people who try to deny the reality of their illness.
I was ready to put up my fists and kick some ass.
But, I was in that Betwixt and Between place of knowing and not knowing.
I knew something was not right…but, not for sure.
The doc said that it was probably cancer.
Probably.
I waited four days in that place until I got the official word.
Yep, cancer.
Now, even though I now know kind of what I’m up against, I still must wait.
I had a CT Scan to see if the cancer has spread.
Waiting on results.
I have a date with a surgeon.
Waiting for that day.
Living in this Twilight World is hard.
My heart goes out to those of you who have already experienced this.
It’s no longer day.
It’s not quite night.
It’s something else.
So, no, I don’t know how I should feel right now.
After the initial shock I guess that I just feel numb.
Not denial. Just numb.
Not angry. Still numb.
Not really anxious. Numb again.
As an aside, this is really an interesting dive into what’s involved with being human.
I’ll post more thoughts on that later.
For now, I do appreciate your consideration during this time.
Those whom I trust I know will walk with me.
The rest? I hope that they will be moved to care for themselves and their loved ones.
I shared a few weeks ago that I will soon be joining the ranks of the Retired. After nearly 50 years working in commercial printing, I’m hanging up my computer. I will be spending more time with, well, this computer.
We have been working to prepare for this. Getting the finances squared away; signing up for medicare; gloating about it to my co-workers. You know, all of the important stuff.
And, things seem to be progressing nicely.
But, as with most things in life, the things that we don’t see are the ones that tend to impact us most.
We try our best to prepare for every contingency. What if the water heater blows up the day after I retire? Can we pay for a new one?
Check!
How about the car?
Check on that, too!
How about your health?
Well, I’ve got that dicey cardiac thing pretty much under control. So, yeah, Check!
What about your cancer?
Wha?!? Who?!?
What cancer?
The cancer that’s been growing in your colon, dummy!
But, I don’t have any cancer!!!
I eat right and exercise and don’t engage in high risk activities!
I even get regular colonoscopies to make sure that nothing’s happening!
Well, you did skip a year and a half.
Right?
You were supposed to have a scope in 2018. But, no, there was something else going on. And, the previous two scopes had been clear. Nothing to worry about. Right?
Wrong!
This past Monday I went in for my routine, but belated, colonoscopy. I wrote a bit about it here.
Afterwards, the Doc came in to give us the results.
There were a few polyps. No biggie. They snip them off and we’re good to go.
There was something else, though.
A mass in the ascending colon.
They took a biopsy and sent it to pathology.
The doc, however, was pretty sure what we were looking at.
Cancer.
Yesterday I received the results of the pathology.
Yep, suspicions confirmed.
Not how I had planned to begin my retirement.
Hell, not in any plans for anything at all!
But, there you go.
The things you don’t see are the ones that can derail you.
What now?
Today I go for a CT Scan to see if this bugger has spread.
Hopefully, no.
We have hopefully caught it early enough that it is self-contained.
If it has not spread, then next week I meet with a surgeon to go over how they will remove it.
The best case is that they will take it out and I will live happily ever after. The way things are going, though, I’m not overly confident.
Right now I am consumed by conflicting emotions. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how I SHOULD feel!
I know there are folks out there who have experienced exactly what I am. I don’t want to be a whiner and do the whole, “Woe is me!” thing. Especially when you are dealing with far worse.
But, we each process things in our own way.
My way is going to be to process it here.
I want to share this experience.
Well, not SHARE it. I can assure you that you do not want this!
I want to share my experience with you.
What’s happening physically?
The tests and the doc’s reports and surgery.
All the good stuff that cancer patients get to have.
What’s going on emotionally?
What thoughts and feelings are racing around in my head…my body.
It looks to be a roller coaster ride that rivals anything at Cedar Point.
What is this doing to form me Spiritually?
Where is Yahweh in all of this?
IS Yahweh in ANY of this?
So, for the next little while I’m going to write about these things.
Sure, I’ll still write the other stuff, too.
But, this is important right here; right now.
I invite you to come along with me on this journey!
Lord knows that I can’t walk it alone.
Your company is appreciated.
I also encourage you to share this and invite others to come along.
This is part of our shared human experience.
So, Please, share on your social media, at the dinner table, with co-workers…anyone and everyone.
Hopefully, in a little while I’ll be able to share with you OUR victory over this thing.
Where do feelings come from?
Are they the result of millions of years of adaptation? A stew-like chemistry experiment that has never ended, that just keeps going and going and going….?
They allow us to fear danger and cleave to love. They are at the same time self-serving and self-giving.
Feelings are a Paradox.
Or, perhaps as some insist, Feelings are God-created and God-given. A gift to the Cosmos to be cherished. And, crushed. Because we can’t have those feelings running rampant in the Universe, now, can we? Besides, they are fleeting and cannot be trusted with things like truth and reality. Only faith in an invisible God can provide those.
If from God, then, does God feel? Does this Supreme Being express Supreme Passion?
Feelings are Good. No, wait! Feelings are Bad! No, wait! Feelings are complicated.
Emotions are elusive; effusive. Wisps of vapor that may cumulate and become cumulonimbus thunderheads filled with pervasive power that pummels our hearts casting a wide swath of destruction.
But, also cleansing the atmosphere of our heart. Refreshing. Reclaiming. Rousing us to reach for the mountaintops, even for the stars of heaven.
Why do we try to suppress feelings? Something so basic, yet absolutely intrinsic to who we are as Humans?
After so many years hiking through the wilderness of this life, I think, maybe, perchance, (I’m really not sure), that I am finally beginning to see and grasp something, some understanding (?), of this indwelling power. For, emotions…Feelings…are as important and necessary for our existence as the air we breathe. When stuffed and hidden, we suffocate, wither, and die. Such has been my experience.
But, maybe, just as the withered plant revives when given the life-giving water that courses through its chlorophyll laden veins, I, too, may revive and find life as I open myself to that emotive well-spring of my heart.
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“You know that I don;t love you,” she said. Her dark brown eyes gazing intently into my blue ones.
“Yes,” said I. “And, I don’t love you.”
As we continued to look into each other’s soul, my mind wandered down a long, dark hallway. At the end there was a door the color of the sky just before the darkening clouds rush in from the West.
Behind the door, a room like someone’s attic. It was filled with boxes written upon with “Kitchen,” or “Master Bdrm.” There were old lamps and even a broken down old refrigerator. All of these coated in a thick layer of dust accumulated over many years of lying here.
Hidden.
Unwanted.
Forgotten.
A sudden movement caught my eye. I glanced to my left and saw a tiny flash of light. I walked toward it, moving some old box, “Misc. Junk.” I looked down and saw a small creature. It reminded me of a firefly that floated silently above the floor. But, this was no insect. It had arms and legs. There was a face framed by golden hair cut short in a sort of bob cut.
I was caught, captivated, enthralled at this sight. “I’ve never seen anything like you!” The creature flew up so that we were face to face. Her radiant smile, (for the creature was surely a “Her”), spoke to my heart in ways that words cannot possibly express.
“I have been here for a very long time,” she said. “I have waited these many long years hidden among the dusty clutter of your heart. Waiting for this moment.”
With that she dove into my chest.
What warmth! The heat spread from my chest to my arms, my legs. It surged like a tsunami to by mind.
And, then I knew.
Suddenly, I was back sitting across from her. Her brown eyes still gazing into mine.
And, I saw a light within those eyes.
“We say there is no love. Yet, our eyes,” says I, “our eyes say Yes.”
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Yesterday was interesting. And, not because anything out of the ordinary happened.
I had lunch with the Rector of the church I’ve attended since September.
But, before I left to meet Fr. Alex, I watched “Ghosts of Christmas Eve” with
The Trans Siberian Orchestra. I really like TSO. Being a musician I appreciate
what the arrangers did. Especially, since I cut my musical teeth on Prog Rock from
the early 70s, the mash-up of classically inspired shredding guitars is a favorite.
So, when the first scene opened I found it strange that my emotions began to surface.
In fact, until late in the program it took a concerted effort to not sit there and bawl like
a baby. Now, I’ve had music affect me emotionally before. Certain passages and sequences
of notes charge me up. Chills and constricted arrector pili muscles appear on my arms.
Yesterday was different, though. And, honestly, I have no clue why. The script and acting
in the program were mediocre at best. Contrived and frivolous at worst. Was it simply
the music? I don’t think so. The wave of emotion began well before the music really took off.
Maybe, it was the idea of the young runaway spending Christmas Eve in a run down old
theater. The old story goes that no one should be alone on Christmas. As I write this, I’m
still not sure what the deal was.
But, I’m kinda glad for it. It proves, once again, that I am not Mr. Spock. I do have emotions
that surface and cause me to reflect. And, in spite of everything, I am connected to other
people and the World at large in ways that are not always predictable.
Maybe, that’s a good thing.